I don’t really watch The Walking Dead so much as I hate-watch it these days. I realize that I’m part of the problem. But I have also come up with a solution. I know exactly how to save the show. Here’s my plan, in screenplay form, for how to bring the show to a conclusion.
NOTE: I have no idea how to properly format a screenplay. My apologies if you care.
EXTERIOR – A FIELD IN GEORGIA, DAYTIME
RICK and CARL stand, back-to-back, holding guns. CARL is wearing RICK’S SHERIFF HAT. A flock of ZOMBIES is descending all around them. Sun-drenched lens flares consume the scene.
CARL: I hate you, Dad. Mom… mom is dead because of you. Jenny or Judy or whatever that baby’s name was… the one that that just kind of hung around in the prison… It’s gone because of you. You never help me with my teen stuff. Shane was my real Dad.
RICK: Dammit, Corl, sometimes you have to make tough choices to be a man. To be a MAN!
(RICK begins to sob as the groan of approaching zombies becomes louder; the ghosts of SHANE, LORI, T-DOG, ANDREA, HERSHEL, THE GOVERNOR, THAT STUPID ASSHOLE DALE, and THE LION KING’S DAD all appear)
GHOSTS: You killed us all, Rick.
THE GOVERNOR: Well, not all of us.
(OTHER GHOSTS laugh at Rick’s incompetence with THE GOVERNOR)
DALE: Oh hey! Andrea! Let me spend the next hour telling you and everyone else how you should be living your ghost life.
(DALE begins to give shitty advice to everyone, which slowly fades out as LORI breaks from the pack)
RICK: I miss you so much, Lori! I can’t handle the teen Corl anymore. What should I do?
LORI: Rick, you have to let me go. Let me go, Rick.
LORI, interrupting: Let me go.
RICK: I can’t d
LORI, interrupting again: You have to let me go. Let it all go, Rick.
RICK: But Lor
(a distant telephone begins to ring)
LORI: The phone is ringing, Rick. Answer it. Let me go.
RICK: Dammit! Let me finish!
(CAROL, GLENN, MAGGIE, BETH, BOB, TYREESE, MICHONNE, and EVERY OTHER LIVING CHARACTER OTHER THAN DARYL show up, fighting their way through the growing mass of zombies to reach the center where RICK and CORL… uh CARL, and the GHOSTS are hanging out)
CAROL: Hello, Rick. I survived.
(CAROL and RICK exchange an awkward glance; RICK begins to sob harder)
The zombies get closer and closer, and RICK is attacked from behind.
END OF FIRST EPISODE
EXTERIOR – A FIELD IN GEORGIA, DAYTIME
RICK is fighting two zombies.
ZOMBIE #1: GRRRR. GRRROOOAAAAN! GRRRRR
ZOMBIE #2: GRRRRR
(ZOMBIE #2 chomps into RICK’s leg; the other cast members are now busy fighting ZOMBIE HORDES and none of them want to help RICK anyway)
RICK: This is horribly painful and I am in the maximum amount of pain possible! No TV character has ever been in this much pain! No real person has probably ever been in this much pain! Someone save me! Help me, Corl!
EVERYONE ELSE: No.
ZOMBIES #3-20: GROOOOOAAAAAN! GRRRRRRR
(ZOMBIES #3-20 begin to eat RICK)
ZOMBIES #3-20: GRRRR CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP GRRRRR
RICK: Save me, Ghost Wife! I am being tortured in horrible, unimaginable ways!
(the remaining 40 minutes of this episode feature ZOMBIES #1-20 eating RICK in extreme close-up with liberal use of slow-motion)
END OF SECOND EPISODE
EXTERIOR – A FIELD IN GEORGIA, TWILIGHT
(GLENN and MAGGIE are DRY-HUMPING as ZOMBIES attack the remaining crew)
CARL: I’m never going to learn to drive unless we defeat these zombies.
(In the distance, GHOST ANDREA is seen flirting with a MALE ZOMBIE because she has shitty taste in relationships)
(THOSE CREEPY LITTLE GIRLS have joined together with CAROL to fight zombies; CAROL pushes CARL into a horde of ZOMBIES, a diversion that allows CAROL and the CREEPY LITTLE GIRLS to flee away from the battle scene)
CAROL: You see, my children? You have to make sacrifices for the greater good.
GHOST DALE, yelling across the field: Carol! You know that’s unacceptable behavior!
ZOMBIES: GRRRRR GROOOOAAAAAN GRRRRRR
(ZOMBIES bite the CREEPY LITTLE GIRLS; CAROL flees back towards the battle scene, where TYREESE is trying to shoot a ZOMBIE but has the gun pointed sideways somehow)
CAROL: Tyreese! You have to point the gun forward! Let me help you!
(CAROL takes the gun from TYREESE and shoots him)
CAROL: It had to be done. For the greater good. I always do stuff for the good of all.
(MICHONNE, CAROL, BOB, BETH, and FIVE REMAINING NAMELESS CHARACTERS THAT WE’VE ALL CARED LESS ABOUT THAN EVEN THE MAIN CHARACTERS stand together in the middle of the field, with GLENN and MAGGIE DRY-HUMPING just below them)
BOB: Well, this is it, everyone.
(BOB pulls out a bottle of whiskey and begins to chug; camera whip-pans to the back of the throng of ZOMBIES surrounding the crew, where SEVERAL ZOMBIE HEADS are flying through the air)
CAROL: What is that? I hope it’s for the good of everyone!
ZOMBIE: GRRRR GRRRROOOAAAAN GRR
(zombie head flies off as DARYL appears through the throng with a KFC SPORK, which he has been using to lop off ZOMBIE HEADS)
DARYL: Die, zombies! Die!
(DARYL pulls out a FLAMETHROWER and roasts all of the remaining ZOMBIES)
CAROL: We have survived, but at what cost?
BOB: I think I’m going to be sick.
(BOB vomits from alcohol consumption; DARYL looks to the sky and sighs, audibly)
DARYL: I finally know what I must do.
(DARYL lifts his FLAMETHROWER and roasts EVERY REMAINING CHARACTER on the show)
FADE TO BLACK
INTERTITLE: Daryl survived in the Georgia woods for 5 more years, subsisting on rats and cans of beans and sometimes a sly dish he called Beany Rat Salad.