Fun With Netflix Viewer Reviews: Volume 16

It’s time yet again for the article that’s easy for me and fun for you- Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews! Here’s volume sixteen of people writing really funny Netflix viewer reviews. These are presented completely unedited. Even when you think I might have edited something in or out of the copy, I assure you that I have not.

Eraser (1996)
Put this DVD in my player, pressed power, and then I pressed play. The DVD player said “PLEASE INSERT DISC”, it was like the DVD wasn’t even there. Like it had been erased!!!!

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CONFORM

The Breakfast Club (1985)
John Hughes is evil. He is the enemy of individualism and this film is his clearest expression. The only individual in this story- the artist, the one who dresses creatively, doesn’t wear makeup- must be absorbed like the Borg in “Star Trek TNG.” Finally, in the end, she steps out into a brave new world confident and proud in her new preppy clothes and fresh lipstick. In the world of John Hughes in order to be happy you must CONFORM and are doomed to misery unless you do. Young, impressionable children should not watch this movie.

El Topo (1970)
Attention under-educated, intellectually-lazy American film watchers: this is a “Work of Art.” I know that’s something that you’ve heard of (probably) and want no part of. Just keep moving. For now, you can still stream most of “Da Fast and da Furious” movie franchise.

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The funny thing is, the scathing review of Pleasantville actually makes me want to see it 10 times more than I ever wanted to before reading it.

Pleasantville (1998)
Christians beware!!! Very offensive!! It should have been rated “R”! Teenagers having sex in automobiles with explicit sounds and motion of cars in two scenes. I was shocked! What is happening to this country? I saw the preview and thought it might be cute, but as the Bible says, “In the last days, good will be called evil and evil will be called good.” The kids turn into color when they have sex…when they vandalize and break the law…when a woman has masturbated in the tub…..yucch… there is no sense of morality! I usually check with Spotlight on Christian Entertainment, but the preview looked harmless, so regretfully, I was taken off guard! This is a quote from their review of the movie: “Some vague moral message of ¿pleasant moderation is dull/colorless; any new experience (sexual pleasure, violence, reading, and love) is good/colorful.¿ Utterly unbiblical! We know that true joy is found in knowing and serving our God…” I do not recommend it to anyone! Definitely not to teens…which is sad to say…the stars were teens, so it appears to be marketed to teens. The teen girls is explaining sex to the mother in Pleasantville, as though having sex is THE right and best thing to do when two people “love” each other, when the teen just has had sex with a guy that she had just met!! Llike pre-marital, uncommitted sex is the right thing to do! I actually felt slimed and nauseauted by this movie!

Aguirre: The Wrath of God (1972)
Lured in by some famous movie critic to watch this movie, I must confess that I am appalled by what these so-called professional movie critics will do in order to appear chic. I usually love indie and foreign movies, but this one is the worst piece of junk I encountered in quite a while. The storyline, the editing, and above all, the acting, can take some lessons from any average high school drama class. Don?t waste your time.

Gone in 60 Seconds (2000)
Best movie of 2000 Nicolas Cage is amazing so is Angelina Jolie in this movie. Eleanor is my favorite car and this movie is BA. I would recommend that if your kid is going to watch it then he should be interested in cars and like fast pace awesome movies. If not he will not like this movie. He should be at least 12 years old to atleast understand this amazing movie. All the other actors have nothing on Nicolas Cage in this movie. They should make it were it is an instant movie. Im tired of watching the trailer and I cant find the movie anywhere. And does anybody have any suggestions on where to find the movie Thanks. Ps Best movie ever!

Hidalgo (2004)
THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME AND TIMELESS I LOVE IT! A MUST SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

004213_31Thomas & Friends: Thomas Comes to Breakfast (1992)
where did Thomas go??????………………………………………………..
……………………………………………….
………………..

Jungle 2 Jungle (1997)
I watched this movie the day after my first divorce and it changed my entire life. I sent my 12 year old daughter to bed early I thought deeply about Tim Allen and his handsome features. Jungle 3 Jungle was good, but you can tell it was made in a hurry, just to capitolize on the success of Jungle 2 Jungle. Bottom line: SEE THIS MOVIE. The whole family will love.

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You have no idea how many sleepless nights I’ve had, lying awake in bed wondering what it’d be like if The Karate Kid, Air Bud, and Every Which Way But Loose had a baby.

Funky Monkey (2004)
If you ever wondered what it would be like if Every Which Way But Loose, The Karate Kid, and Air Bud had a baby then this movie is for you. It unabashedly hits for the cycle of family movie cliches… also it stars a monkey.

The Big Chill (1983)
NIce soundtrack. About all this movie has going for it. Sorry, a movie about a bunch of yuppie who turned their backs on their ideals because…well…they’re mature adults? Really? How about because they were all shallow and stupid in college and are even worse now! They were all probably RA’s in college…anyway…and this is what makes most of these characters (save for Tom Berenger) unlikeable. Kevin Kline’s character is unbearable. Mary Kay Place is constantly smoking and she wants to have a child…man, I’d love to see how that brat turns out as it’s pushing 30 as a result. Jeff Goldblum’s character deserves to die. What an obnoxious motherfucker! I’m getting sick just thinking about it. Unless you want to spend two hours cleaning puke off your TV/computer/Gameboy/whatever the hell you’re watching this piece of crap on, please move on.
Editor’s Note: A bit harsh, but I had the exact same reaction to it.


15 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

15 responses to “Fun With Netflix Viewer Reviews: Volume 16

  1. I cannot stop laughing!!! I HATE when I am lured in by some famous movie critic.. What is great about the ‘Gone in 60..’review is that that movie was MADE for that guy. AND Jeff Goldblum’s character is an obnoxious motherfucker! And the ‘Funky Monkey’ review is diabolical!

  2. Dan

    I like The Breakfast Club and don’t think John Hughes is evil, but that review is actually sort of right. Also, I can’t imagine that anyone would be such a big fan of Hidalgo. I can see liking it, but with all caps and exclamation points. Wow!

    • Yeah, it just came off as… crazy. I’m personally not at all a fan of that movie, so I can dig making fun of it, but that guy sounds like he’s way out there.

  3. The guy who met Kevin Meany

    I should repost the movie reviews some of my Facebook friends post. For example, “The Tooth Fairy 2 starring Larry the Cable Guy is hilarious!!” I wrote him back and told him his taste in movies was unparallelled. He wrote back and thanked me.

  4. Oh man, that review of Pleasantville is hilarious! Beware y’all, this film is UNBIBLICAL!

    • Yeah… I mean, to each their own about religion and all that, but it drives me bonkers when it shapes peoples views of everything, up to and including movies.

  5. Eraser: YES!!

    Pleasantville: Oh, dear. Just, wow.

    Aguirre: (sigh)

    The Big Chill: “They were all probably RA’s in college…anyway…” is probably the finest single line of film criticism I have ever encountered.

  6. Do you guys think the lady who sent her kid to bed early so she could “deeply” think about Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor’s handsome features without her dumb kid walking in on her went into the tub in black & white and came out in full technicolor Pleasantville-style?

  7. I want to know where Thomas went, too. Damn.

  8. Ahahaha, another epic selections here John! That Eraser one and Hidalgo had me in stitches!!

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