One of my favorite daily reads is Goregirl’s Dungeon, a site run by someone who loves horror films more than anyone I know. And the content is always reliable and accurate. So a few weeks back, I reached out to see if Goregirl would write an article for me since I could never supply the kind of content she does. Graciously, she accepted. Goregirl’s Dungeon is run by- of course- Goregirl. That means that it’s a site that lives up to its titular promise, which separates it from the films on this list.
I am sure when John asked me if I would like to contribute something to The Droid You’re Looking For he was expecting something horror-oriented, as horror is my primary focus at Goregirl’s Dungeon. I, however, was aching to do something that was not specifically horror-related. An episode of The Simpson’s put an idea in my head that has been rattling around in there for years. In this particular Simpsons episode Nelson proclaims his dissatisfaction with his viewing of Naked Lunch. This is the result…
BLOODY PIT OF HORROR
It is a good thing this film features a body builder who dons bright red tights, a Zorro-like mask, a little red hood and a big tacky old medallion to adorn his well-oiled manly chest because there is no bloody pit.
Pecker is the nickname of the central character, so called because he “pecks” at his food. I can not help but feel I was intentionally misled here.
THEATER OF BLOOD
If I am not at least up to my ankles in blood, then you, sir, do not have a theater of blood.
When a person sits down for the evening expecting porn…
HOW GREEN WAS MY VALLEY
Again, when a person sits down for the evening expecting porn…
THE EARTH DIES SCREAMING
The earth does not die screaming.
KITTEN WITH A WHIP
A serious lack of kittens.
FASTER PUSSYCAT KILL! KILL!
Again, no cat.
CAT O’NINE TAILS
Films that feature “cat” in the title are excessively misleading. No cat o’ nine tails…and no cats for that matter.
LIZARD IN A WOMAN’S SKIN
While the lizard would be in a woman’s skin and therefore difficult to recognize I saw no proof of this claim.
THE HILLS HAVE EYES
The hills did not have eyes.
I SAW THE DEVIL
They don’t say “a” devil they say “the” devil now deliver me my lord Satan!
This film is not about happiness.
Calling a guy Batman suggests that he is part “bat” and part “man”; this guy is a rich dude in a costume.
EYES WITHOUT A FACE
Technically the character does have a face.
THE HOUSE THAT DRIPPED BLOOD
I questioned the ability of an inanimate object to bleed but they promised me a house that dripped blood.
I suppose it would be pretty shocking to see a bunch of dead Nazis emerging from the water; but when a person is expecting giant electric eels and surfers the Nazis seemed anti-climatic.
KNIFE OF ICE
My lifelong dream of a horror film featuring a killer whose weapon of choice is a knife of ice has been shattered.
DOG DAY AFTERNOON
Apparently films featuring “dog” in the title are as excessively misleading as “cat”.
THE HOUSE WITH LAUGHING WINDOWS
You can’t just paint a damn mouth on a window and say it is laughing. I feel cheated.
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST
It is not about birds.
FULL METAL JACKET
Granted it seemed pretty impractical; I guess that is why Kubrick decided not to use it.
No raging bulls in sight.
GOOD WILL HUNTING
What the Hell? The character’s name is Will Hunting?
This is a film about a savant who has an uncanny ability with numbers; should he not have had the ability to make it rain?
I guess you need to be a heroin addict to spot them.
THE NEVERENDING STORY
No list of “Films that Don’t Deliver on Their Titular Promises” is complete without this one.