Game of Thrones was back in the news earlier this week by releasing a new trailer for season three, which begins on March 31. Given the way season two ended- DRAGONS! WHITE WALKERS!- it’s awfully easy to be thrilled about the upcoming season. I’m so thrilled, in fact, that I recently got my obligatory previous season re-watch out of the way, gobbling up season 2 in less than a week. The show’s vast expanse of intriguing characters has made me realize that there are a lot of spinoffs from that show that I’d watch.
The Hodor Variety Hour (a.k.a. Winterfell Idol)
First of all, this gives every other character in Winterfell a chance to put their talents on display each week. Second, and most importantly, it’d be hilariously tied together by a host who would introduce every act- in his best game show voice- “Hodor! Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor. Hodor? HODOR!!!”
Unbeknownst to all but Khal Drogo, the witch contracted by Daenerys in season one actually launched him through a portal wherein he lands on Santa Monica Boulevard in modern-day California. Khalifornication would be a show that would track his exploits beheading annoying L.A. types who dare disrespect the Dothraki warlord.
Joffrey Baratheon Gets the Shit Beat Out of Him for Thirty Minutes a Week
Does the show even need a catchy title? If people are willing to watch ten minute videos on youtube of Joffrey getting slapped around, imagine how much more we could see if a sport was made out of it. Toss him in the forest, chased by Stark bannermen, and let the fun begin. Even his sword, Hearteater, couldn’t save him.
And speaking of people who beat the crap out of Joffrey, no character would be more fascinating in his own weekly show than Tyrion Lannister, a.k.a. the Imp. Given his silver tongue and social acumen, he’d make for a perfect Lannister spy. Each week, he could have a new mission, going from realm to realm in the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, leaving only havoc and prostitutes in his wake.
The White Walking Dead
The idea for these spinoffs started when I joked with my friend Ashley that I would watch an entire Game of Thrones season solely about the background of the white walkers. I haven’t read the books (judge away), so I am completely fascinated by whatever the white walkers are and how they came to be. HBO can call this show whatever they want, just as long as they give the audience a healthy, heapin’ spoonful of white walkers.
Littlefinger and The Spider
One is a smooth-talking brothel owner. The other is cunning, a little creepy, and missing his balls. Put them together and you’ve got a classically mismatched pair of crime-solving detectives in the vein of Simon and Simon, Jake and the Fatman, or some other detective show where one of them is missing his balls. Cue the video for The Beastie Boys’ Sabotage. The best part about these two bouncing around King’s Landing and solving crimes is that they’d never actually arrest any criminals. They’d rather use the knowledge of those crimes for political gain.
Everybody Loves The Hound
Exiled after his behavior at Blackwater, Sandor Clegane (The Hound) seeks and finds a quiet married life in the countryside (insert children/pups joke here). Of course, he can’t escape his lust for murder. In other words, this offers television a chance for a groundbreaking TV show that’s half Dexter, half mediocre sitcom about married life.
Everyone loves a loser, and the Greyjoys are more or less the Chicago Cubs of Westeros. Weekly installments of the Greyjoys trying and failing to enforce “the iron price” on other kingdoms is ripe for schaudenfreude. HBO might as well tack a Benny Hill soundtrack onto their failures.
Real Housewives of King’s Landing
Between Lysa Arryn’s descent into madness, Cersei Lannister’s shrewd political dealings and cynicism, Sansa Stark being treated like a punching bag (both literally and figuratively), and now Margaery Tyrell’s grab for power, King’s Landing has already been host to some epic wife and fiancé diva chicanery. HBO could easily tap into that and create an entire show revolving around the ladies of King’s Landing.
HBO needs an animated feature to tap into the kids market, while expanding the brand for Game of Thrones. Enter Targaryen Babies, a cartoon featuring diapered 3-year old versions of Daenerys with a God complex; megalomaniacal Viserys; a brave but lovestruck Jorah Mormont; and a team of baby dragons that follow Daenerys around and start fires whenever she doesn’t get enough nap time.