Fun With Netflix Viewer Reviews: The Criterion Collection Edition

It’s time yet again for the article that’s easy for me and fun for you- Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews! For volume 11, I’ve decided to focus on people writing funny Netflix viewer reviews specifically for films in the Criterion Collection. These are presented completely unedited. Even when you think I might have edited something in or out of the copy, I assure you that I have not.

3women3 Women (1977)
What the @#$%? Repetitive, exasperating, mind-numbing experiment gone wrong. You will search in vain for any meaning or edification.We see two fairly good actresses, who were taken advantage of in their youth, to perform in a B (minus) movie. Altman must have been on drugs.

Boudu Saved From Drowning (1932)
The character Boudu is a mean spirit who should have been allowed to drown. He is not true to human nature in any way. His character is alien. Renoir goes out of his way to show us Boudu’s fine physique even though he should be near starving. Boudu searches for his lost dog but seems to have had little affection for it. Boudu has a jolly laugh as he insults the neglected wife of his benefactor and destoys her dining room. What lesson can we take from this film other than no good deed goes unpunished.

The Killing of a Chinese Bookie (1976)
This movie was about 45 minutes too long, the acting weak, the dialogue stinted and the action missing. No drama, no laughs. I wish I had that 2 hours and 15 minutes of my life back.

Editor’s note: One of my favorite, common Netflix viewer review tropes is “I want ______ hours of my life back!”

Port of Shadows (1938)
Another boring, over-rated, over-analyzed, nihilist wrist slitter with no points of interest or entertainment value. Movie critics and students of cinema will love it, everyone else beware.

Umberto D

If you love Umberto D., like Martin Scorsese does, apparently you are a pseudo-intellectual who drinks Chardonnay.

Umberto D. (1952)
If you are a pretentious pseudointellectual, then you will *adore* this movie. Not only is this movie half-a-century old, but it’s foreign too! Try not to knock over your Chardonnay as you excitedly fumble with your mouse to give Umberto D five stars. At its core, this movie is about a happy little dog who manages to prevent his obnoxious old master from offing himself. Presumably we’re supposed to sympathize with the main character whose pride prevents him from doing anything that might improve his situation. I can understand being too prideful to beg for money, but what about getting a freaking job? The guy has enough energy to chase his mutt all over Rome, but he can’t bag groceries? Or does his “pride” prevent him from doing so? He can pawn off his belongings, fake illness to stay in the hospital, make pathetic attempts to hit his friends up for money, but getting a job is out of the question? With some critically acclaimed movies, you come away with a feeling, an idea, or a perspective that you’ve never experienced before. With Umberto D, you come away with an uncomfortable feeling deep in your stomach. Then you realize, it’s just gas.

Slacker (1991)
Movie should have been titled LOSERS. One dimensional characters who ramble on and spew verble vomit from their mouths. Many examples why kids should stay in school and get an education. 23 November 2009

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Charming, satirical look at family life? Nah. Nothing more than a low-level Japanese language lesson.

Good Morning (1959)
Very very boring. The only thing I found interesting was listening to the language since I am taking Japanese 203.

Smiles of a Summer Night (1955)
I expected to laugh but instead was bored throughout this 2 1/2 hour movie. What a waste of time. The characters loves are all over the place similar to american tv soap opera style with partners swapping all over the place. Nothing to learn nor admire, just a bunch of fickle hearted people.

I Am Curious: Yellow (1967)
Bad news ,boring dumb film. This is the worst film I have seen in years,the sex in the film does not bother me.There is no acting the actoress an the film were babed from the early sixtys I was in school an wanting to see yello, boy i am glad i missed this bomb.Lyman Nayman is a fat oversex sedish girl who belongs in a hor-house some where in Russia. T>REED

12 Angry Men (1957)
There are actually 2 versions of the film “12 Angry Men.” The one I watched initially was the most recent remake with Jack Lemmon and George C. Scott, both equally giving a very convincing performance. This one I would give 5 stars. However, upon learning that it was a remake, naturally I had to see the original 1957 film starring Henry Fonda and Jack Klugman. Unfortunately, it didn’t hold candle to the 1997 version. Maybe it’s because I can relate to the more modern approach of cinematography offered by the latter. That and the fact that the 1997 cast were multi-cultural made it seem more “real” for me. But upon viewing the original, 15 minutes into the film, I decided to turn it off. It just didn’t move me like the remake. When you get a chance, grab the newer version and make your own comparison.

Exterminating Angel 600

My favorite part is when they call surrealists lazy because they don’t explain enough… which completely misses the point of surrealism.

The Exterminating Angel (1962)
A movie that only movie snobs can appreciate. Yes I get it, it isn’t supposed to make sense, things are weird and odd just because they are wierd and odd, still that doesn’t mean I need to like it. Acting as with most spanish films of the era was poor and overly scripted and the total lack of meaning to the story is just something I don’t enjoy. I took an upper level Spanish Lit. class in college and we studied surrelism and even then I found the style as an excuse for lazy writing (creating something outrageous and then not explaining it becuase you trapped yourself into a corner and have no explenation). Though it did evoke questions throughout the viewing as with all surrealist work no answers are ever given and that is why it receives such low marks.

If… (1968)
If… “If only I had known that this film was going to suck.” “If only I had followed my gut feeling and not rented this.” “If only the studio that made this crap would have lost the original print in a fire.” I hate this movie!!!


25 Comments

Filed under Movies

25 responses to “Fun With Netflix Viewer Reviews: The Criterion Collection Edition

  1. The most agitating post in the series yet. All these reviews make me so angry. Ripping on Cassavetes, Bergman, Buñuel… what the fuck? Thanks for sharing these John, the one for Yellow made me laugh but the rest made me mad as hell.

  2. WHUTTTT they diss Umberto D,12 Angry Men…No me Gusta…I hate people that commented they found the film interesting because of the language class and the hours back excuse. Nope

  3. Sounds like The Artist borrowed a bit from Umberto D.

  4. Aleksa

    So, I think the “I Am Curious” guy is trying to communicate. What he’s saying, though, I have no idea. As Jules succinctly put it, “English, motherf***er, do you speak it?!”

  5. Dan

    This is my favorite line from this post: “Not only is this movie half-a-century old, but it’s foreign too!” Foreign and old are the worst! It’s like the writer was tricked to watch it and then realized they’d been duped. I thought this was American and from 2012!

  6. Wow, a preference for the 1997 TV version of 12 Angry Men

    • Isn’t that wild? I thought the ’97 one was ok. I don’t have any specific problems with it. But I can’t imagine preferring it to the original.

  7. I drink Chardonnay while watching Uwe boll flicks. His argument is invalid.

    • Haha… I have to ask, have you really seen any Uwe Boll films? I know you were cracking wise but I’m legitimately curious. I’ve never seen one of his movies (I came close to watching Blubberella during a hangover) and I’m curious.

      • Let’s see, I’ve seen Bloodrayne, House of the Dead, Far Cry (I think I gave up 45 minutes in), and Alone in the Dark. The worst of the ones I’ve seen is probably House of the Dead. Bloodrayne is horrible, but at times it’s so horrible it’s hilarious. Far Cry is just plain bad, and it’s unfortunate for Til Schweiger. He was awesome in Inglorious Basterds.

        I just looked up Blubberella.

        “An action comedy centered on an overweight woman whose footsteps cause explosions and whose dual swords are used against anyone who makes fun of her. ”

        I…….I’d watch that.

  8. People are scary arent they??

    There is little hope for the human race

  9. Well when it comes to “Slackers”, the reviewer was dead on. hoohoo heehee..

  10. Confession: I don’t like Umberto D.

    But yea, it seems in most cases people watched these movies expecting something lite and fluffy Hollywood pictures, which, of course, these films aren’t.

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