Fun With Netflix Viewer Reviews: Volume 8

It’s time yet again for the article that’s easy for me and fun for you- Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews! Here’s volume seven of people writing really funny Netflix viewer reviews. These are presented completely unedited. Even when you think I might have edited something in or out of the copy, I assure you that I have not.As always, understand that I don’t always disagree with the negativity surrounding some of these movies, but there’s always at least one thing in these reviews that I find amusing.

Rudy (1993)
Who knows maybe those Domers wouldn’t have been destroyed by USC yet again. For Pete (Carroll’s) sake, even Touchdown Jesus knows this is just sappy South Bend propaganda. Next to Texas, ND is the most overrated team in college football history. The fact is, Notre Dame is only good for one thing now: helping SC crown yet another Heisman winner. I mean come on, everyone knows Frodo Baggins can’t play football. I liked him in Goonies though. By the way, that Faverau guy used to be quite the chubby bastid no? Use this only if you have trouble sleeping at night. Watching Rudy, is a lot like taking a Vallium, except cheaper. I’m still waiting for the Mack Brown epic, “How to cry your way into a BCS game.” Until then, if you want to watch a movie about football, rent “Remember the Titans” or “Friday Night Lights.”

I hope this person never sees Bergman’s The Rite.

Cries and Whispers (1972)
I felt this movies was perverse and immoral; initially it was diificult to follow. Once it approached the lesbian scene I did not continue to watch it.

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
Superman IV is good for me. Richard Donner just make this sequel to make everyone like Superman and not Batman.I meant why not go for batman but when it was 1989, people start watching Batman (1989). I Don’t Know why would everyone watch DC movies back then

White Christmas (1954)
Where else can you get the message of a Christ-less Christmas mixed in with American patriotism? In Hollywood! While not much of a religious-Righter, I can’t help but be unsettled by the absolute secularity of this “Christmas” film. More so, the patriotic tie-in to America’s role in WWII makes thisholiday classic something only an island-mentality American would love. After all, what’s Christmas without snow? Ah, those poor Christians in tropical countries! Not only aren’t they American, they also don’t have snow. Thank God that America has a monopoly on world power AND snowy, New England Christmases! Oops…forgot to mention…Bing CAN NOT sing. He has more portamento than a drunken bartender. (Is Bing short for something? Bingo? Binge?) And Rosemary is incapable of completing a phrase without including some melismatic humming. Save this one for Mystery Science Theatre 3000!

Somewhere in the universe, there’s a guy or gal protecting the sanctity of this movie. That person is a hero. A very crazy hero.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
THIS VERSION SEEMS TO BE THE PRINT OF THE FILM WHERE THE FILM BROKE AT THE BEGINNING AND THEY DIDNT SPLICE IT, SO THERE IS NO OPENING CREDITS EXCEPT FOR THE ACTORS CREW PEOPLE ECT THE NAME OF THE FILM ISNT SEEN AT THE BEGINNING. THIS VERSION IS THE ONE RELEASED ON THIS DVD. There are 3 versions, this one only on DVD so far, one shown on a PBS UHF station in which frames were stopped still, and some cheap 80’s words were printed over the screen while the theme played on. the 3rd version, that I saw on “Cinema Insomnia” has the original theme all in tact. The name of the film is all in tact in that copy. What is going on here? READ MY REVIEW FIRST!!!

Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)
The film is an example of cheap pathetic psychology. Maybe when it was released it was something. But since then, we’ve been there, done that! The movie ends with “him” telling her that she hides the truth even from herself, that she locked herself in cage and she is afraid to get hurt. Amazingly, she realizes that that is the truth!!! She goes back to him, in the rain, they live happily ever after! Done!

The Seven Year Itch (1955)
Seventeen minutes in and this is a weird movie. The guy is driving me crazy. Like another member wrote, the guy seemes mental. Not in a funny way. I’ll go back and watch the rest becasue of the cute blond girl playing the lead.

Editor’s note: The “cute blond girl playing the lead”… you mean Marilyn freakin’ Monroe?!?!

This is apparently a thing that’s in Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders.

Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders (1989)
Not nearly enough boobies to save this movie. It had some funny moments, but unless you are into beastiality, bodily fluids, or poop, it’s really not as good as the first one. The best acting job was done by the guy who played the mad scientist “Bator”. Everyone else was mediocre at best.

Sullivan’s Travels (1941)
As drama, it is just silly. As comedy, it falls flat. I couldn’t figure out what perspective the director wanted the viewer to take. I hit the eject button after 20 minutes.

Editor’s note: My favorites are always the reviews that demolish a movie for how bad it is… and then they confess at the end that they stopped watching after 10, 15, or 20 minutes.

The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)
Twilight fans and angsty Emo teens rejoice! This film is targeted at only you! This movie has the worst protagonist, an mean thankless greedy foulmouth version of peter parker who never seems to learn any life lesson during this film. This movie has the worst character design, the lizard is so cheasily designed/animated that the old godzilla flicks could compete for special effects. This movie has the worst action sequences, unoriginal repetitive pointless fight scenes that you won’t even remember. Do not watch for your own sakes!


16 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

16 responses to “Fun With Netflix Viewer Reviews: Volume 8

  1. Another entertaining read! These are fun posts.

  2. Wow! I’m glad I’ve seen Breakfast at Tiff before readings his/her review because it’s selling the ending a little bit. I hate when people do that! Like if I’m gonna like them because they tell me something I don’t know! It’s like giving up the ending of the Sixth Sense!
    And someone who didn’t finish a film should not be permitted to write about it. I mean I’ve seen Django Unchained’s preview and I think it is a pretentious weird film that is too violent and attacks my morale. But I turned the tv before it ended! Come on!!!

  3. White Christmas is a Holiday institution. Silly Netflix reviewer! Bing Crosby would smack the crap outta him. 😉

  4. So funny.
    And troubling…

    You wonder what compels people to write one of these reviews. Like, are they having an emotional response to the film and they’re misinterpreting it as an intellectual response?

    That Sullivan’s Travels review…ugh. That’s the only movie on this list I care about (I mean, I like Superman IV, but I don’t expect anyone else to). But dismissing a near-perfect film after a few minutes of watching it – makes me hate 2012.

    • I’ll readily admit that I wasn’t so big on Sullivan’s Travels when I first saw it. But now it’s one of my all-time favorites. However, I can promise that the first time I saw it and was “meh” about it, I watched the whole thing.

      I don’t even mind if someone wants to turn off a movie after 10-20 minutes. But shut up about it if you did, or at least be reasonable and give the caveat that you didn’t see the whole thing.

  5. aleksa

    I like how the review of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians manages not to talk about the actual movie at all. Though, loudly.

    • They’re so passionate about movie formats, even when it’s about SC v. the Martians. That’s a level of bizarre dedication that deserves applause. And probably some anti-psychotics.

  6. Anyone who thinks Superman IV is a good movie…obviously knows what makes a good movie.

  7. To be fair the Spiderman one isn’t that far wrong…. I have forgotten how the film ends already

    • Heh… Scott, to tell the truth, including that one was my sneaky way of saying “That review made me laugh because I think it was so completely accurate”.

  8. Rudy review: Huh?
    Cries: Awesome! Jesus.
    Spider-Man: I uhh… kind of agree with (some of) this. Hated that movie.

    Another great addition to this series!

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