Here in America, we have a four-day weekend coming up while we all eat like gluttons (more than usual) on Thanksgiving. I’ll be taking a few days off, but I have a tasty snack to tide you over during the weekend- a very special Don’t Watch It, John! about the worst movie ever made featuring turkeys- Blood Freak (1972). What is the Don’t Watch It, John! series, you ask?
The idea behind the Don’t Watch It, John! series is to find cinema that’s so rotten, so foul, so incredibly fetid that no other human being would dare recommend it to another human being. So why on earth would I watch this stuff? I like to think of myself much like Colonel Nathan Jessup in A Few Good Men. We live in a world that has horrible movies, and those horrible movies have to be kept from potential viewers. Who’s gonna do it? You? You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That someone watching Blood Freak (1972), while tragic, probably saves lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You want me on that wall, you need me on that wall, protecting you from the cinematic horrors of the world.
What is Blood Freak? The IMDb plot description:
A biker comes upon a girl with a flat tire and offers her a ride home. He winds up at a drug party with the girl’s sister, then follows her to a turkey farm owned by her father, a mad scientist. The father turns the biker into a giant turkey monster who goes after drug dealers.
Who stars in this cinematic monstrosity? Blood Freak stars nobody of note. According to the IMDb trivia section, the star of the film (Steve Hawkes) was asked about the film years later, and he referred to it as “a sad chapter in my life.”
The Stats: Blood Freak comes in at 3.2 out of 10 amongst IMDb users. Only two Rotten Tomatoes critics have reviewed it, and both have labeled it rotten. Surprisingly, 46% of RT users who have graded it rated it fresh.
The Review: I’ll cut right to the chase. Blood Freak serves as a powerful public service announcement about the dangers of combining genetically altered marijuana with genetically altered turkey. You see, the triptophan and the THC combine and will apparently turn you into a murderous turkey-headed monster thirsting for the blood of “weed addicts.” This is a phrase used in the film. So please, I beg of you, heed the warning and don’t combine genetically altered weed with genetically altered turkey.
I can say with 100% certainty that this film features cinema’s first and only turkey-headed guy-on-Christian woman sex scene (or… any woman, for that matter). This leads the woman to ponder what the kids would look like. And it also raises some serious philosophical questions. Would the girl lay an egg? Should turkey-headed guys be allowed to reproduce, since the subsequent child would be scarred for life? I should probably see if Noam Chomsky will watch Blood Freak and weigh in.
For what it’s worth, amazingly, the only breasts in this film were covered in feathers and waddle. Further questions? Here’s the trailer, which speaks volumes. Actually, this trailer shows pretty much the whole film.