Having a young child means that you occasionally have to watch- or re-watch- some movies that you might not enjoy. Your dislike for a certain movie takes a big back seat to the fact that your 2-year old isn’t screaming their eyes out because they have one movie that can always soothe their inner-savage beast. Before you know it, you’ve seen Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968) 100 times in a few months and you start to notice every single flaw that the movie has. Such has been the case for my best friend Jeff, whose 2-year old son, Doolin, loves Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. He recently shared this hilarious email/pseudo review of the movie that he sent to his wife, Ashley (the proprietor of Eat Me in St. Louis). Enjoy! Hopefully it leaves you with a chittyting grin.
I’ve edited this, but only very mildly. The rest is verbatim from Jeff.
The second 1/2 of Chitty is weird. I get that it is supposed to be a story sequence, but the story/dream sequence is over half the movie, easily lasting an hour and a half. Once they get to Vulgaria? Bulgaria? Whatever, it gets even weirder.
They passed a law against children. Did they pass a law against sex? I somehow doubt it, more on this later.
The king’s army captures Chitty. If this car is so special that it can drive itself and fly, and swim, and eject bitches from the back seat, how did it get captured by a bunch of noob soldiers? More on this later.
The child catcher- he can “smell children”. He is creepy looking as fuck. This is a legitimized child molester. He actually throws them in a dungeon. Fucking weird.
The kids are completely fooled by the lollipops, ice cream, all free today? WTF. Didn’t your crackhead dad tell you not to talk to strangers, especially ones promising free shit if you get in the back of his wagon? Especially ones who look like the same fucking child molester that was creepy and scary and trying to catch your dumb ass minutes before? Weird. WTF.
There is a colony of kids living under the castle. They somehow have a way in to the castle. The adults, who passed a law (?) against children a) don’t even know where the children went, b) don’t have a way to the caves? But the townspeople know about it.
The king and queen choochie face/huggy bear? Those two are fuckin’. She’s in a french maid outfit, and he is chasing her around the room and bed. The only thing you can’t see is his ginormous boner. Actually, I haven’t looked yet. Maybe you can. No kids? No fuckin’. And if I ever called you “Choochie Face,” I’m pretty sure it would creep you out enough to deny sex for a week or two, not get you ready. The fact that she likes it? Creepy.
Coratacus and Truly dressed up as weird toys to gain entry to the king’s birthday. A) Creepy ass looking toys. B) What kind of fucking weirdo actually likes those toys? C) The king’s guests can’t see this coming a mile away? Weird.
The kids take over the kingdom. There are soldiers who never fire a single gun. This is promoting children soldiers, and giving them the belief that untrained kids with rocks and sticks and clubs can beat an army with guns. That has to be the worst army in history. They gave up the castle without firing a single shot. They even catch the child molester, and all they do to him is make him swing in a net like a go-go dancer. He is most likely getting off on that, by the way. Better look out below, kids.
The last 20 minutes are just a crappy cover up of the previous freak show, most likely by a new writer, because the old one got fired for dropping too much “AVOID!”. Speaking of which, if you would like to avoid adult nightmares, I would not watch this movie on anything harder than alcohol or weed.