I learned a lot of things in college. I learned about Kant, social deviance, world history, American presidents, the sociology of religion… and drinking. Specifically, I learned that any event can be enlivened with a drinking game. Here are some drinking games you can play at the theater during November new releases.
Director Barry Levinson directs this eco-horror. Like a lot of other Levinson films, it takes place in Maryland. To honor Maryland, take a shot of rye whiskey with a crab cake chaser every time the town’s mayor ignores ominous warnings of ecological doom.
This week was apparently turn back the clock week, with 80s stalwarts Barry Levinson (The Bay) and Robert Zemeckis (Flight) directing new releases. To honor the 80s and to dampen fears of alcoholism while you drink during a movie about alcoholism, chug a wine cooler every time alcohol makes someone do regrettable things.
The Man with the Iron Fists
All of the ads insist that The Man with the Iron Fists is “presented” by Quentin Tarantino. His involvement clearly implies that there’s going to be a lot of gore and blood and violence. Drink a bloody mary every time something in the movie reminds you of an obscure movie from the 70s.
Vamps reunites Alicia Silverstone with Clueless director Amy Heckerling. Since Silverstone is most commonly associated with the 90s, chug a Zima every time you think of anything that Silverstone did in the 90s, including her role in The Crush; that Aerosmith video with Liv Tyler; or playing Bat Girl.
It’s a kids movie, so you’re going to have to tread lightly while sneaking booze into the theater. I recommend using a child to help you. Put your flask(s) in the pockets of your child’s oversized coat. Fill it with a horrible punch made of Kool-Aid and Everclear, and drink every time you recognize a video game character.
The obvious choice would be to drag some martinis into the theater. But martinis are for classy people like James Bond, not degenerates who drink in theaters like you and me. Remind yourself that you’ll never be as suave as James Bond by pounding Busch tall boys whenever he does something classy people would do- driving an Aston Martin, courting gorgeous women, eating meals that aren’t fast food, and sleeping in beds.
In Their Skin
This is a movie about a couple who tragically lose their daughter and then go to a vacation house in the woods. The plot description makes it sound a lot like it’s riddled with clichés. But lesser-known horror has a knack for surprising audiences. Drink a celebratory shot of jägermeister if it’s good. Drink two if it’s bad.
Abraham Lincoln lived in the 19th century. People hunted a lot of turkeys in the 19th century, so much so that wild turkeys were endangered by the early 1900s. Live like Abraham Lincoln did by drinking Wild Turkey whenever Lincoln does something you remember reading about in history books when you were a kid.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
Drink milk because you’re probably 12 years old and a young girl needs calcium to help her grow. If you’re not under the age of 15, the only “drinking game” involved will be drinking 20 shots of whiskey so you can blackout and plausibly deny ever seeing the film when people ask you about it later.
Anna Karenina is based on the Leo Tolstoy novel. Obviously, this means you must drink vodka every time someone says “Vronsky”.
Yes, it’s a remake of the 1984 movie starring Patrick Swayze. Yes, they’ve replaced the Russians with North Koreans. Drink some kind of clear hard alcohol and grenadine concoction every time you wonder how the hell Chris Hemsworth ended up in this movie.
Life of Pi
Judging from the trailers, Life of Pi is a rom-com about a classically mismatched pair- a teen boy and a tiger. Also, I think a zebra drowns in the ocean while whales jump around. Because it seems to take place in the ocean, pour yourself a Salty Dog (grapefruit juice and vodka) and take 3.14159 swigs whenever the score is uplifting or whatever, which will probably be a lot.
Rise of the Guardians
Jack Frost, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Sandman, and the Easter Bunny fight to protect the children of the world. It’s like The Avengers, but made up of fun lies that we tell little kids! Tequila is also a lie because you will never be able to do what you think you can do when you drink it. Take a shot of tequila every time you wish that there were kids movies like this one when you were a child.
Guess who this movie is about? It focuses on the portly master of terror’s relationship with his wife as he was making Psycho. Honor history’s most mother-obsessed film by drinking whatever your mom drinks whenever you think of your mom or Hitchcock does something misogynistic.
Killing Them Softly
It’s a crime drama starring Brad Pitt and a bunch of people from Goodfellas and The Sopranos. Drink a bunch of awesome Italian table wine and enjoy what should be an amazing movie.