College Football Coaches as Movie Directors

This week marks the beginning of the 2012 NCAA football season. My next 14 Saturdays will feature at least a few hours parked in front of a TV watching college football. It’s a dirty secret I don’t talk about much at TDYLF- I’m a huge college football fan, and my enthusiasm for the sport has kicked into hyperdrive this year with my beloved Missouri Tigers making the jump to the SEC. Naturally, college football has been on my mind a lot in the last few weeks. And I’ve realized there are a lot of parallels between college football coaches and movie directors.

Steve Spurrier, South Carolina
Spike Lee. Both are brash and outspoken, both were critically acclaimed in the 1990s, and both have had a lot of mediocrity since. In Spurrier’s defense, he has rebounded from the mediocrity.

Kirk Ferentz, Iowa
Terrence Malick. Several hours of mind-numbingly slow material, followed by critical acclaim and success

Bo coach football. Bo win games. Gigli look funny. Me, Bo, see Gigli.

Bo Pelini, Nebraska
Ben Affleck. The dopey look on Pelini’s face practically screams “I’m dumb enough to think Gigli is a good idea”. And yet, he has crafted a lot of success since stepping up to the big job in 2007.

Chris Petersen, Boise State
Wes Anderson. Massive independent acclaim, rarely taken seriously by those who vote for the most prestigious awards (BCS and Oscar voters)

Bill Snyder, Kansas State
Clint Eastwood. Each would win landslide victories amongst their peers if held to a  “Most Likely to Tell Someone To Get The Hell Off Their Lawn” vote.

Gary Patterson, TCU
Jim Jarmusch. Just like Petersen/Anderson, except Patterson/Jarmusch have been at it longer.

Mike Leach, Washington State
David Lynch. Leach’s offenses run up surreal numbers, and the pirate has developed a cult following.

Les Miles, LSU
The Coen brothers. The work is unconventional but at the end of the day, it wins awards like national championships and Oscars.

Charlie Weis, Kansas
Joel Schumacher. Few have produced as poorly with so much money (Schumacher) or talent (Weis) at their disposal.

Rich Rodriguez, Arizona
P.T. Anderson. Their work isn’t exactly similar, but Rich Rodriguez seems like the NCAA football coach most likely to create something successful that ultimately involves a lot of drugs and porn stars, a la Boogie Nights.

Frank Beamer, Virginia Tech
Martin Scorsese. Scorsese put together a lot of Oscar contenders before he finally won one, but he was very good for a very long time before that. I suppose that means that in Beamer’s career, he’s somewhere around the college football team equivalent of Kundun or Gangs of New York.

Lane Kiffin, USC
Roland Emmerich. Given the keys to Rolls Royce programs (high prestige programs for Kiffin; large budget films for Emmerich) but nobody really knows why

Mark Richt, Georgia
Peter Weir. Four best director nominations without a win, and completely overshadowed by his peers sounds a lot like a guy with five top-10 finishes, two in the top-5, and nary a shot at a national championship.

Dabo Swinney, Clemson
The Farrelly brothers. Nobody will ever accuse them of being geniuses but they each have the good sense to surround themselves with a great supporting cast.

Bobby Petrino, Formerly Arkansas
Michael Bay. Petrino is noted for his explosive offenses, much like Bay is noted for his offensive explosions. Each are viewed by hardcore fans of their medium as unsavory characters.

Bob Stoops, Oklahoma
Werner Herzog. Werner Herzog once ate a shoe to prove a point. He didn’t even mind that it was filmed and made into a movie. He refuses to deal with nonsense, which was no doubt the source of his battles with Klaus Kinski. Sound like anyone you know, Sooner fans?

Chip Kelly, Oregon
Quentin Tarantino. Kelly’s balls-to-the-wall offense and west coast cool jive perfectly with Tarantino’s.


Filed under Humor, Movies

11 responses to “College Football Coaches as Movie Directors

  1. I know nothing about football… sorry John

    I am back by the way… making a big effort to get things working again

  2. I’m lost here because I don’t know any of these guys but I think those who can relate will get a good kick because you seem to have put a good thought on it.

  3. surroundedbyimbeciles

    Welcome to the SEC! On Friday, I’ll be heading to Atlanta to watch Tennessee. It’s football time.

    • I can’t wait. Enjoy that trip and good luck against NC State.

      I’m still feeling my way around who to like and dislike in the SEC. Right now, the dislikes are Alabama, South Carolina, and Arkansas (from the Mizzou angle). I’m sort of pulling for Georgia as long as they don’t play Mizzou.

  4. goregirl

    You can find “the movie” in just about anything! Despite knowing nothing about college football I was amused by your Lane Kiffin/Emmerich comparison/comment… “but nobody really knows why”. Honestly, there are very few directors I dislike more than Emmerich. The Day After Tomorrow and Godzilla are two of my most loathed films of all time EVER!! I would rather watch Manos: The Hands of Fate back to back for 24 hours than re-watch Emmerich’s Godzilla once.

    haha…also enjoyed Mike Leach as Eraserhead.

    • Leach as Eraserhead was fun. The look on his face was perfect for that photo.

      Is it weird that I’m excited to eventually see Manos? All I can find is the MST3K version, though.

  5. The guy who met Kevin Meany

    I also know nothing about college football unless you are referring to the real football (soccer). I refuse to watch films made after 1968, that are in color, and do not have subtitles. I prefer Earl Grey tea to coffee. Sometimes I put my junk between my legs and pretend I’m an ugly woman. Finally, this Bobby Petrino character you mentioned sounds like a shady character.

  6. I am a huge college football fan and this is perfect, spot on! a Heisman Winner! Great work, man. M-I-Z!

    • Z-O-U!

      Do you think you’ll get to any games? It’s going to be a little tough this year with tickets sold out so far in advance. I’m aiming for the Vandy game.

      • I don’t think i will make a Conference game this year. A bit too steep for me price wise, but i would like to make a Non-Conference game. I am also looking forward to the basketball season, wouldn’t mind making a couple of those games. You ready for Georgia next weekend? It’s gonna be amazing! Go MIZZOU!

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