Who Would Win in a Fight?

I’ve been posing the question “Who would win in a fight?” for years, and it’s been a lot of fun. It’s a pretty simple game. Choose two people or groups who are bound by any sort of similarity, and ask “Who would win in a fight?” involving the two people or groups. You can solve age-old questions this way. Namely, you’re solving the question of who would win in a fight between two very similar people or groups. The only rule to remember here is that they’re fighting. You might like Option A more than Option B, but do you really think they’d win if it came to fisticuffs? Here are some examples of how the game works, with movie personalities, and my own answers.

The Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz vs. The Oompa Loompas from Willy Wonka
I actually posed this one for Ask the Lamb and got some great answers. Personally, I think the only real advantage that the Munchkins have is that the Oompa Loompas probably have diabetes from all of their chocolate consumption. And while that’s a significant edge, I can’t see it being enough to win the battle.
Edge: Oompa Loompas 

Mess with this woman at your own peril.

Katharine Hepburn vs. Audrey Hepburn
The similarity here is clear. They’re both legendary mid-20th century actresses, each named Hepburn. If they fought, it’s a no-brainer. Katharine Hepburn was very athletic and prided herself on her competitiveness. She was a fiery redhead. Audrey Hepburn was a delicate flower. Katharine would crush her.
Edge: Katharine Hepburn

P.T. Anderson vs. Wes Anderson
Like the two Hepburns, there’s a name similarity. But they’re also both indie film directors who made their debuts in the 1990s. Based on physicality alone, P.T. seems to have the advantage. Wes is sort of a string bean. While I wouldn’t expect P.T. Anderson to have the bulk to win a lot of these fights, I get the feeling he could break Wes Anderson in two. The only fact that even gives me pause is that Wes Anderson is from Texas, where people love to brawl. And maybe Wes Anderson could dig deep and summon strength from whatever reservoir he uses to keep making angsty childhood movies. But I doubt it.
Advantage: P.T. Anderson

John Belushi vs. Chris Farley
The link is obviously that they’re both really funny fat Saturday Night Live guys who died too young. Both did a lot of drugs, so there’s no real advantage there in either direction. That leaves their size and quickness. Farley could probably crush an average person. But in this case, Belushi is no average person. He has plenty of girth himself. And at least part of Belushi’s humor revolved around how nimble he was for a fat guy. I think Farley would take an early lead but eventually fall like a Sequoia. A very fat Sequoia.
Advantage: John Belushi

Buzz Lightyear vs. Woody
I can’t imagine Disney allowing this to happen, what with future toy sales at risk in a fight to the death between two of their icons. That said, this sure looks like a no-brainer to me. One of them can fly around and has lasers. The other has a cowboy hat and a lasso. Sorry, Woody. You’re toast.
Advantage: Buzz Lightyear

Sorry, Shosanna

The Bride vs. Shosanna Dreyfus
Two women well-practiced in the art of badassery and revenge, each starring in their own Quentin Tarantino film, enter a room. As much as I appreciate the cold-hearted nature of Shosanna, she doesn’t possess anything approaching the fighting prowess of The Bride. Score a victory for Uma.
Advantage: The Bride

Sean Bean vs. Mr. Bean
There’s an obvious physical advantage for Sean Bean. He’s much bigger and stronger. You can even stab the guy and he’ll survive. But no matter how weakly Mr. Bean appears, there’s one important rule to remember. Sean Bean’s characters always die. In the end, his characters can’t pull it off. I don’t know how and it defies all logic, but somehow…
Advantage: Mr. Bean

Ray Kinsella vs. Crash Davis
These two Kevin Costner-played baseball movie icons present a fun challenge. In one corner, you have the insanity of hearing voices in a cornfield. In the other corner is a professional athlete who sets records. I’d be a lot more inclined to side with Ray Kinsella if the demonic voices in his head weren’t telling him to do stuff with corn and baseball.
Advantage: Crash Davis

Bonnie Grape: An Underdog Story

Hannibal Lecter vs. The Mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
The similarity here is that they both like to eat a lot of bizarre things. Ultimately, Hannibal Lecter would be robbed of his greatest strength- eating his enemy. I’m pretty sure he’d take one look at Bonnie Grape and pass up all the fat and gristle. And Bonnie Grape couldn’t be bothered to exert the effort to fight someone. This means it would come down to whoever actually lived the longest. And it still ends up being a victory for Hannibal Lecter.
Advantage: Hannibal “The CAAAAANNIBAAAAALL” Lecter (imagine that being said by that ring announcer guy) 

Naomi Watts vs. Charlize Theron
Here, we have two blondes who rose to fame in the 1990s, each coming from part of the English-speaking world besides the United States or the UK. Purely in terms of the fight, Theron’s turn in Monster (2003) and Prometheus (2012) has me convinced that she would be vicious enough to finish off Naomi Watts. Realistically, Charlize Theron and Naomi Watts wrestling around with each other would be a victory for every straight male and lesbian female on the planet.
Advantage: Charlize Theron 

John Wayne vs. Bruce Wayne
“Booo hoooo, my mommy and daddy died and I’m going to change my whole life because of it!”
Advantage: John Wayne

This is what the “horse-slaying technique” looks like. It’s deadly, apparently.

Zatoichi vs. Lone Wolf and Cub
One is a blind swordsman, the other is the world’s greatest dad paired with the world’s most deadly three-year old. They’re both really awesome icons of Japanese samurai cinema. Zatoichi’s edge is his heightened senses. Ogami Ittō and Daigorō’s strength is that there are two of them. Also, Daigorō (the “cub”; a baby) practices the deadly horse-slaying technique. Whatever it is, it’s deadly, so it must be good.
Advantage: Lone Wolf and Cub

Steven Seagal vs. Jean-Claude Van Damme
The link is that they are late 80s/early 90s kung fu white guys who made a bunch of really horrible movies. They both got old. But only one of ’em got fat and easier to defeat.
Advantage: Jean-Claude Van Damme

Luke vs. Anakin Skywalker
We all know that Luke would win this. To hell with Anakin. Luke was sort of whiny about the responsibilities ahead of him but Anakin took it to a whole other level. I spent nine hours of my life listening to Anakin whine. “Where’s my mommy?!?”, “I can’t live without Padmé”, “Jar Jar Binks is my friend”… What a travesty. Sure, the ewoks were a bit cutesy, but Tim Bisley in Spaced nailed it when he said “Jar Jar Binks makes the ewoks look like fucking Shaft!”

Oh, and by the way- only one of these Skywalker characters took a shit on a beloved franchise. Somehow we’re supposed to believe that this annoying little asshole became one of the biggest villains in movie history. How? Because his mother died? Because he couldn’t get over his idiotic teenage puppy love? Because the Jedi Council didn’t feed his monstrous ego quickly enough? Because he was portrayed in the most wooden way possible? What was it that turned him into Darth Vader? Surely what was shown to us isn’t the answer because if it is, then a movie franchise that we all loved was demolished in a matter of hours, mostly in the interest of selling toys. Fucking Anakin.
Advantage: Luke Skywalker 

So what do you think? Who would win these fights? What other pairings would you like to see?


35 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

35 responses to “Who Would Win in a Fight?

  1. I’d also give the Oompa Loompas the edge over the munchkins, but only because they gave me more nightmares when I was a kid.

  2. Katharine Hepburn would have destroyed Audrey even if the later one did fight against the nazis in real life, she was in the resistance! P.T.A would crush poor Wes’ skull… I don’t want this fight to happen! I love them both too much.
    I would love Naomi to fight Charlize and I give advantage to the Aussie.
    Btw, I refuse to watch the new Star Wars because I know it will be a deception. So Luke all the fucking way!

  3. Anakin is right! I’m not getting promoted quickly enough, I think I’m gonna start killing my bosses! Although, Lucas’ ploy worked, just yesterday I bought a double sided Darth Maul lightsaber. (Easily spent more $ on toys than movie tix…)

  4. (Inside Joke) Oh, and RIP Freiger, I like to think where he has gone they don’t need roads and he aways beats up C3-PO.

  5. aleksa

    Of course, Shosana may have rigged the arena to explode, taking the Bride out in the process.

  6. HAHAHA I laughed so much at this post john. I agree about the Oompa Loompas, they are very scary and would beat most on the list if I am honest

  7. Here’s a good one. David Cronenberg vs. David Lynch. My pick would obviously be Lynch but I know there’s some out there who might disagree. Who would you pick out of those two?

  8. Pingback: Wednesday Links (8/01/12)

  9. Not sure that I agree with the Buzz/Woody comparison, when was the last time you watched Toy Story? Just kidding. Don’t you remember Woody trying to tell Buzz that the laser is just a light and that he can’t fly that he “falls with style”… just sayin’

    Love that you included Sean Bean/Mr. Bean – totally agree.

    And last but not least Anakin was a bitch.

    • Hmm… you raise a really good point about Woody and Buzz. I’m going to have to reconsider this.

      • MJ

        Yeah, I think Woody would win the fight, but too late to save himself. Presumably Buzz has not only a Spanish setting, but an evil setting as well, and they’d have a Pixar-tragic fight scene where in the end, Woody switched Buzz back to his regular mode, but not before suffering severe injuries. Buzz would heartbroken as Woody died at his side, off to wherever Bo Peep went. Jessie would remind Buzz that Woody was probably glad to make such a sacrifice for his friend. Judging from the current Arc of Sadness, this would make a good Toy Story 4.

  10. I love the idea of this post, and I agree with your assessments. And because of my love of doppelgangers, I especially love that you included the Kevin Costner example. If I were to make any suggestions, they would certainly go down that road. Such as Indiana Jones vs. Han Solo. I might go with Han Solo because he’s more immoral and would shoot Indiana while he wasn’t looking. But neither of them could probably go up against President Harrison Ford, who would throw them both out an airplane.
    My next suggestion might be Alex Forrest of Fatal Attraction vs. Patty Hewes of Damages. Pretty sure Patty Hewes would take that one. Alex Forrest may be crazy and a bunny-killer, but Patty Hewes keeps her insanity in check so that she can manipulate everyone into killing for her.
    Next, Danny Zuku of Grease vs. Sean Archer of Face/Off. They both know how to use knives and dance. But Sean Archer is an FBI agent, and his body gets taken over by Nicholas Cage, so he’d probably win.
    Oh man! This is so fun!

  11. impsndcnma

    I really like the idea of P.T. Anderson vs Wes Anderson. They are both charismatic directors with the same last name. I think I’ve enjoyed P.T. Anderson films more, but as for who would win in a fight, I’m not sure I could answer that one. It\’d be an interesting brawl though.

  12. goregirl

    I suspect Mr. Bean would fight dirty too.

    Steven Seagal vs. Jean-Claude Van Damme…yeah JCVD…although Steven Seagal is the Cockpuncher!… http://youtu.be/WEsbY1-9UYg

    Zatoichi vs Lone Wolf and Cub?! I love it! Tough choice but I think I would probably lean towards Lone Wolf and Cub too. Also, I would like to see a movie where Zatoichi fights Lone Wolf and Cub!

  13. Ben

    I can’t stop laughing at the words Sean Bean vs Mr Bean. The fact that Mr Bean won and your justification for it made it even sweeter. Great post!

  14. Pingback: Who Would Win in a Fight? « I Started Late and Forgot the Dog.

  15. Ben

    The only one I disagree with is Wayne v. Wayne. Sure Bruce is whiney but he is also freaking Batman! And Batman literally beats everybody, you can ask anyone. As awesome as John Wayne was, he has no chance in hell of beating the Dark Knight.

    Oh and the horse-slaying technique from Lone Wolf and Cub is actually Itto Ogami’s technique, Daigoro doesn’t practice it, he was just copying his father. But even so he still is known to operate an extremely deadly baby cart, the mechanics of which are way ahead of its time, so yeah they’d still win.

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