J. Edgar, the Clint Eastwood-directed biopic about J. Edgar Hoover, found its way into my Blu-ray player the other day. The film stars everyone’s favorite Growing Pains alumnus, Leonardo DiCaprio. If you’re keeping track, DiCaprio has now portrayed J. Edgar Hoover, Howard Hughes, Frank Abagnale Jr., and even author Jim Carroll. Portraying 20th century figures in movies seems to be a niche for DiCaprio. In case DiCaprio needs any help filling roles, he should give me a call. I have some ideas for some other 20th century historical figures he should portray.
The best part of this role is that nobody knows what Deep Throat looked like. Nobody knew who he was. In other words, you wouldn’t even have to worry about using makeup, which seems to be one of the things that annoyed people about J. Edgar. Ok, ok… I know that it was reported in 2005 that Deep Throat was a guy named Mark Felt, but let’s pretend that never happened.
What would make this portrayal so nice and tidy is that he’d come full circle, having already portrayed the FBI director who spied on her in J. Edgar. Besides, he was let off the hook in J. Edgar because he didn’t have to wear a dress. He couldn’t get away with that in this film.
Put aside DiCaprio for a second. Think of all the possibilities for cameos. Think of the star power you could cram into that movie. And then use DiCaprio’s penchant for 20th century historical figure biopics to hold it all together.
I don’t care how many organized crime films Martin Scorsese has made. I’ll always want more of them. And since DiCaprio is his preferred actor, this almost seems like a no-brainer. I don’t even care if it’s Luciano. Pick any organized crime figure from the 20th century, and let Scorsese and DiCaprio go to work.
Sacco or Vanzetti or Whatever
It doesn’t really matter which role is filled by DiCaprio. The story is fascinating. Better yet, use CGI to put DiCaprio in both roles. I can hear the trailer now. “Leonardo DiCaprio is Bartolomeo Vanzetti. Leonardo DiCaprio is Nicola Sacco, in an Oliver Stone film”, and then that Joan Baez song (Here’s to You) would play over the trailer clips.
Sending Leonardo DiCaprio to the moon while memorializing the moon landing? That’s one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind.
One of the Kennedys
Nothing screams “20th century historical figure biopic” like the presence of a Kennedy. If it’s not DiCaprio, then you know they’ll cast Matt Damon or one of the Afflecks. Casting any of those Bostonians seems a little too direct for my tastes, and it would unseat DiCaprio as the King of Biopic Mountain. JFK has been overdone, and Teddy’s memory is still too fresh. I’d recommend Joseph Sr. or Jr.
Leonardo DiCaprio + a fat suit + an assload of cigars + an even bigger assload of Scotch = movie magic. And by advocating this, it’s a cheap ploy to bring more attention to my alma mater, Westminster College, which is where Churchill gave the Iron Curtain address.
Checkers the Dog
Viewing the pre-Presidential nefariousness of Richard Nixon from the point of view of a dog would be excellent. And only one person is qualified to voiceover the dog. Hint: his name rhymes with Leonardo DiCaprio.
A Manson biopic is long overdue. Since nobody else gets to star in 20th century historical figure biopics, Leo is the choice.