You may have heard that Martin Guigui is planning to direct a sequel to Raging Bull (1980). Yes, THAT Raging Bull– the unquestioned classic. He’s making a sequel to the critically-acclaimed AFI Top 100 film from Martin Scorsese. I don’t know Martin Guigui from Martin Brodeur, nor am I familiar with his work. That being the case, you know it’s not personal at all when I say that creating a sequel to Raging Bull sure seems like a horrible idea. My first reaction was to curl up into the fetal position and sob silently. But once I got over it, I decided I’d come up with some terrible sequel ideas of my own.
Unforgiven II: Forgiven
A vicious retired gunslinger moves to California with his two kids, attempting to raise them alone while making sure that their mischievous pet kitty, Phineas Q. Featherbottoms, stays out of trouble.
Indiana Jones: Return to the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Noted archaeologist Henry “Indiana” Jones and his son Mutt discover a sinister plot in which gophers are conspiring with aliens to produce refrigerators that protect people from radiation.
Rosemary’s Baby 2: Devil Day Care
Rosemary is desperate to find someone to care for her horned, ill-behaved child while she works to support him. But will Cuddle Time Manor be the right place?
The Legend of Alfredo Garcia’s Gold
Forty years after a grisly grave-robbing incident, a band of miscreant teenagers seek to unearth a corpse in the hopes of discovering the legendary treasures that await them.
Seven Samurai II: The Eighth Samurai
A bungling, fragile child witnesses the astounding acts of seven samurai who save his village from bandits, and mistakenly insists that he is the eighth samurai, much to his own father’s protestations. Directed by Wes Anderson.
Jason Bourne: The College Years
Jason Bourne is hired by the dean of his university to spy on a nerdy fraternity, but wakes up one day on their floor with genitals sharpied on his face and no memory of the preceding week.
Harold and Kumar Go to Washington
A pair of hemp farmers become senators, and fight corruption while occupying the recently vacated seat of Jefferson Smith.
The Fourth Man
A budding young writer comes upon the manuscript for a novel in a sewer, and writes the follow-up on his many carnival rides.
Intolerance 2: The Final Straw
A deranged vigilante, deeply affected by a viewing of D.W. Griffith’s Intolerance, begins ritualistically murdering those he deems intolerant.
Troll 3: Trollier
Using nutrient-rich vegetables growing wild, the witch Creedence resurrects herself and wreaks havoc on the new residents of Nilbog, as well as movie audiences everywhere.
Exit the Dragon
An aging martial artist trains feverishly to compete in a martial arts competition in a clandestine location, only to have his ass kicked repeatedly once he arrives.
Saw Seven or Whatever
Some guy named Jigsaw tests some people by putting their life on the line or something. Possibly in outer space.
JFK 2: I Still Know What You Did in 1963
New Orleans District Attorney Jim Garrison continues his quest to break open the conspiracy surrounding John F. Kennedy’s assassination.
A brash young detective, distraught over personal tragedy, spends eight days drinking himself to death.