Loglines for Horrible Sequel Ideas

You may have heard that Martin Guigui is planning to direct a sequel to Raging Bull (1980). Yes, THAT Raging Bull– the unquestioned classic. He’s making a sequel to the critically-acclaimed AFI Top 100 film from Martin Scorsese. I don’t know Martin Guigui from Martin Brodeur, nor am I familiar with his work. That being the case, you know it’s not personal at all when I say that creating a sequel to Raging Bull sure seems like a horrible idea. My first reaction was to curl up into the fetal position and sob silently. But once I got over it, I decided I’d come up with some terrible sequel ideas of my own. 

Unforgiven II: Forgiven
A vicious retired gunslinger moves to California with his two kids, attempting to raise them alone while making sure that their mischievous pet kitty, Phineas Q. Featherbottoms, stays out of trouble.

Secretly an alien.

Indiana Jones: Return to the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Noted archaeologist Henry “Indiana” Jones and his son Mutt discover a sinister plot in which gophers are conspiring with aliens to produce refrigerators that protect people from radiation.

Rosemary’s Baby 2: Devil Day Care
Rosemary is desperate to find someone to care for her horned, ill-behaved child while she works to support him. But will Cuddle Time Manor be the right place?

The Legend of Alfredo Garcia’s Gold
Forty years after a grisly grave-robbing incident, a band of miscreant teenagers seek to unearth a corpse in the hopes of discovering the legendary treasures that await them.

Seven Samurai II: The Eighth Samurai
A bungling, fragile child witnesses the astounding acts of seven samurai who save his village from bandits, and mistakenly insists that he is the eighth samurai, much to his own father’s protestations. Directed by Wes Anderson.

Jason Bourne: The College Years
Jason Bourne is hired by the dean of his university to spy on a nerdy fraternity, but wakes up one day on their floor with genitals sharpied on his face and no memory of the preceding week.

Harold and Kumar Go to Washington
A pair of hemp farmers become senators, and fight corruption while occupying the recently vacated seat of Jefferson Smith.

The Fourth Man
A budding young writer comes upon the manuscript for a novel in a sewer, and writes the follow-up on his many carnival rides.

Intolerance 2: The Final Straw
A deranged vigilante, deeply affected by a viewing of D.W. Griffith’s Intolerance, begins ritualistically murdering those he deems intolerant.

Casablanca 2: The Rickening
With nothing left to live for, Rick Blaine meets up with his fellow Americans fighting in Europe, becomes a super-soldier, and fights the Nazis.

Troll 3: Trollier
Using nutrient-rich vegetables growing wild, the witch Creedence resurrects herself and wreaks havoc on the new residents of Nilbog, as well as movie audiences everywhere. 

Exit the Dragon
An aging martial artist trains feverishly to compete in a martial arts competition in a clandestine location, only to have his ass kicked repeatedly once he arrives. 

Saw Seven or Whatever
Some guy named Jigsaw tests some people by putting their life on the line or something. Possibly in outer space.

Rebel With a Cause
Having experienced the death of his best friend first-hand, now Jim Stark cares about stuff.

JFK 2: I Still Know What You Did in 1963
New Orleans District Attorney Jim Garrison continues his quest to break open the conspiracy surrounding John F. Kennedy’s assassination.

Ei8ht
A brash young detective, distraught over personal tragedy, spends eight days drinking himself to death.



30 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

30 responses to “Loglines for Horrible Sequel Ideas

  1. These are very funny. I’ll have to admit that I would probably want to see that Harold and Kumar movie 😉

  2. I cannot stop laughing John you have me in fits, this is one of the funniest posts I have ever read. While it is a travesty that some guy is trying for a Raging Bull sequel, many of your ideas sorely deserve to grab a place on the production line of Schmollywood.

    I can’t pick favourites here because all your ideas are so good. There are endless possibilities of bad sequels, I could probably write a list of my own but with none of the relentless humour injected here.

    Here’s one sequel idea: Taxi Driver 2: Bus Driver: Travis Bickle hits the gritty city streets again, this time at the helm of a bus. He sets out on a night long rampage but must stay above 50mph or the bus will explode. Directed by Renny Harlin.

    • Ha… nice use of Renny Harlin.

      I wish I could get paid to come up with really dumb movie concepts all day. That would be a dream job. It’d be like getting paid just to be the guy who comes up with fake businesses and movies on The Simpsons.

  3. I should probably be ashamed of myself, but there are at least two of those I’d watch in some form…

  4. Hahaha hilarious post, John. Another horrible sequel would be Speed 2 …. wait a minute….

  5. Another brilliant one John… I am super jealous of your talents.

  6. Oh my God, this was hilarious. Let’s make The Legend of Alfredo Garcia’s Gold happen.

  7. You shouldn’t have made this post some guys in Hollywood will steal your ideas! Seriously, this is so funny because is isn’t far from reality. And I did not knew that someone wanted to make a sequel to Marty’s masterpiece. Is De Niro involved? Or they will pick the guy who does everything: Christian Bale?

    • Right now, it looks like the name attached to it (aside from Guigui) is William Forsythe, who is really cool as Manny Horvitz on Boardwalk Empire.

  8. mason cresto

    Difference is, Raging Bull II isn’t a made up sequel and its not a boxing movie – it actually is a true story – more a character piece about the person and not just the boxer – why the rage, what happened to the rage. Like watching a story about Jackie Robinson playing baseball – but then another story about who he was as a person. I’m looking forward to this one…

    • If it’s a biopic or something about Jake LaMotta’s post-boxing life, that’s not a bad idea at all. But linking it to Raging Bull and calling it a sequel is just a horrible idea, IMO.

  9. goregirl

    Too funny! The Fourth Man and Exit the Dragon…hilarious!
    There is actually a sequel to Rosemary’s Baby…and it was indeed a bad idea! It was a made for TV thing starring Stephen McHattie (who I love) and Patty Duke called Look What’s Happened to Rosemary’s Baby! Just awful.

  10. mmm0collarbones

    I just read an article about sequels that almost (horrifyingly) happened. Casablanca 2 and Ei8ht (Se7en 2) were on the list. It was on a comedy website, but I think they’re pretty good about their credibility. Anyway, the concepts for both sound terrifying.

    http://www.cracked.com/article_19751_6-insane-sequels-that-almost-ruined-classic-movies.html

    • Holy cow… I’d heard about ET 2. And I’m a little surprised about Forrest Gump 2 because the book has more than the movie had (and was really quite different; Forrest was nowhere near as lovable).

  11. moviesinpurgatory

    Reblogged this on movies in purgatory and commented:
    Really like the idea for Eig8ht

  12. Craig

    If they make Raging Bull II about the making of Raging Bull, then that would be interesting. Especially if they make Raging Bull III about the making of Raging Bull II which is about the making of Raging Bul. Get a proper Kaufman feel to it.

    Just as long as it doesn’t in volve Nic Cage in any way.

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  14. Victor De Leon

    Troll 3 – Trollier! EPIC. Thanks.

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  16. Chitij Karki

    AWESOME IDEAS!!! Loved the ones about Bourne, Indy Jones and Rebel with a cause!!!! But Exit the Dragon would have been funnier if you had a zombie Bruce Lee who returns from the grave with superhuman powers and all of the avengers struggling to cope with his power when Thor invites Zombie Lee(?) for a fighting competition…LOL

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