We’re officially in the throes of Hanukkah, and just a few days away from Christmas. This means that if you haven’t finished your shopping, you’re probably boned. It also means that holiday specials are in full bloom. Everyone is familiar with the real holiday specials–Rudolph, Frosty, the Grinch–but how about the satire versions that appear in our favorite movies and TV shows? Here are some fictional holiday specials that I wish were real.
Bob Goulet’s Old Fashioned Cajun Christmas, Scrooged (1987)
Frank Cross (Bill Murray) is a TV executive who envisions programming that makes viewers “scared to miss it”. Among IBC’s fictional holiday specials is Bob Goulet’s Old Fashioned Cajun Christmas, which features Robert Goulet on a raft, paddling through a swamp singing Christmas carols while being chased by hungry alligators. Who wouldn’t want to see that?
The Grinchy Poo, South Park (1998)
The first of many satirical holiday specials from Trey Parker and Matt Stone features a fecal version of the Grinch posing as Mr. Hankey. In fact, the entire town is comprised of feces, right down to little Cindy Lou Poo, who was no more than two. They even eat roast poo at the end. It was so heart-warming that it turned Charlie Manson into a changed man.
Hanukkah Harry Saves Christmas, Saturday Night Live (1989)
Santa (Phil Hartman) becomes ill, and can’t deliver presents on Christmas Eve. His friend Hanukkah Harry (Jon Lovitz) rounds up his donkeys (not reindeer)–Herschel, Moische, and Schlomo–and delivers presents to all the gentile boys and girls. Unfortunately for the children, Harry’s gifts take on a more sensible nature–socks, pants, and the like. But in the end, he helps the kids realize that “deep down, Christians and Jews are pretty much the same”. I want at least 30 minutes of that.
The Night the Reindeer Died, Scrooged (1987)
Frank Cross’ demented vision of the holidays knew no bounds. In The Night the Reindeer Died, Lee Majors plays himself, as an ass-kicking sidekick of Santa Claus who prevents “psychos” from “seizing Santa’s workshop”. If it was real, it would probably be one of the best and/or funniest action movies ever made. And, like Lee Majors, whoever created the full-length version would be “a real good boy this year”.
KISS Saves Santa, Family Guy (2001)
The events of this holiday special aren’t very clear. What we know is that it involves the band KISS, they save Santa, it has a giant pterodactyl protecting a pterodactyl egg, and Peter Griffin watches it every year. Also, pterodactyls hate the noise from KISS’ guitars, which makes me similar to pterodactyls in at least one way. I don’t know what else happens in this special but it deserves to be fleshed out.
Krusty the Clown’s Non-Denominational Mid-December Holiday Special, The Simpsons (1999)
How could you not want to see a holiday special that ends with Krusty declaring, “I want to thank my guests: Tea Leoni, Beck, the Dixie Chicks, … and Patrick Ewing as the genie. So, have a merry Christmas, happy Chanukah, kwazy Kwanza, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. Now a word from my god: our sponsor”? It has Beck! It has Patrick Ewing as a genie! And it’s friendly to all denominations!
The Terrence and Phillip Christmas Special, South Park (1998)
We’ve already seen that it features Terrance and Phillip farting on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I don’t think I’d want to watch the rest of it, but I would anyway for one reason–perverse curiosity. Mostly, I’d like to see how this flatulent duo could fill up 30 minutes or an hour by simply releasing their gas onto things.