The idea behind the Don’t Watch It, John! series is to find cinema that’s so rotten, so foul, so incredibly fetid that no other human being would dare recommend it to another human being. So why on earth would I watch this stuff? I like to think of myself much like Colonel Nathan Jessup in A Few Good Men. We live in a world that has horrible movies, and those horrible movies have to be kept from potential viewers. Who’s gonna do it? You? You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That someone watching Werewolf Woman, while tragic, probably saves lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You want me on that wall, you need me on that wall, protecting you from the cinematic horrors of the world.
This time, I’ve turned my gaze towards an alleged cult classic–Werewolf Woman.
What is Werewolf Woman? The IMDb plot description: A woman has dreams that she is a werewolf so she goes out and finds men. She proceeds to have sex with them and then rip their throats out with her teeth. She eventually falls in love but then she is raped and her lover is murdered so she goes out for revenge.
The IMDb page goes on to note, in the trivia section, that Quentin Tarantino is a fan.
Who stars in this cinematic monstrosity? A whole bunch of naked Italian women.
The Stats: Surprisingly, Werewolf Woman has a 4.9 out of 10 on IMDb, nowhere near bottom 100 territory. It’s not even listed on Rotten Tomatoes. I’m not really sure what to infer from that.
The Review: To do this the right way, I’m going to have to do it in the style of a journal. All times denote how long I’ve been watching.
0:30 It takes no time at all to get to the nudity, showing us a woman dancing around a fire with blood on her boobs. And then there’s a close-up on her labia. Wow. Did NOT expect to see that.*
*Editor’s Note: I didn’t realize that there would be a lot of nudity in this movie when I got it through Netflix.
1:06 Now the narrator comes in, the camera swings around… and we’re back to the naked woman. But now she’s got hair taped all over her body. EVERYWHERE. And she has brown paint on her face and a little hair on her nose. Also, there are plastic fangs.
2:20 There are colonial guys chasing her through the woods with torches. Somehow, they know it’s a werewolf. Have I mentioned the loud obnoxious 70’s soundtrack? Because there’s a loud obnoxious 70’s soundtrack.
3:45 She just grabbed an axe and buried it in some dude’s head.
5:00 And now she’s caught, being burned at the stake, but not before we see her vagina again.
5:36 Aaaaah, it was all a DREAM! Now we’re in modern time (1976, I guess). The dreaming woman apparently has a psychic connection to the Labia Wolf.
6:04 Her dad is now at the doctor, asking him- with a straight fucking face- if his daughter’s bad dreams could be because she’s a werewolf.
7:49 It turns out she was raped when she was young, and her daughter is at Berkeley learning to be a nuclear physicist. Riiiiiight. Anyway, now she’s “repelled” by the opposite sex and the nightmares are “no doubt” a sexual phobia. I BET THIS IS A KEY PLOT POINT!
8:16 The doctor’s recommendation? “Lots of sunshine. The Italian medical board should probably investigate that guy.
8:32 Now we’ve jumped to goofy muzak and the girl- “Daniella”- swimming around in a pool in the sun. You know, following doctor’s orders.
10:03 When discovering that her sister is returning for a visit, Daniella (poolside) looks right at the camera and says in the most suspenseful voice possible, “THAT IS THE END OF OUR VACATION!”
11:22 The sister arrives, Daniella acts awkwardly. Aaaaand… now the sister and her boyfriend are disrobing in front of a mirror? And Daniella is too, in front of a different mirror.
12:45 And while everyone’s naked in front of mirrors, a ghost with blood all over her shows up and calls to Daniella. Somehow, the ghost has put a lizard on Daniella. Um… ok.
14:16 It turns out that Daniella’s sister isn’t really a redhead. We know this because Daniella’s in the hallway masturbating while watching her sister have sex with her husband, “Fabian”.
15:40 Daniella turns to leave, the husband hears her and chases after her in a total coitus interruptus.
17:22 He’s chased Daniella out to the trees. Oh look! A corpse is hanging in a tree. Why? Who cares?
18:00 The ghost woman is back, blathering about Daniella’s “destiny” or whatever.
18:41 Now she’s seducing Fabian. And by “seducing”, I mean “standing naked in the woods begging him to bone her”.
21:36 That’s two sisters that this guy has boned in a span of about ten minutes… until, OOPS! She ripped his throat open with her teeth. Under a full moon, of course. But still as a woman, not as a werewolf or anything.
23:32 Dumping bodies in quarries is just as stylish in Italy as it is in the U.S. Best part? Her screaming growl as his corpse falls into the chasm.
24:14 Now she’s in a hospital. The crappy doctor is back. “We’re going to use narcosynthesis” (I doubt this is a real thing) “because blah blah blah violent neurological charge blah blah”. Good prognosis, dumbass.
28:51 For no apparent reason, an oversexed patient in the hallway flashed the good doctor, but her boobery didn’t interest him.
33:02 The sister is visiting in the hospital. Daniella: “You loved Fabian! You loved making love with Fabian and it was obscene! GRRRRRR!”. Seriously, she made a growly sort of sound like that.
34:12 Now she’s going nuts, tied to her bed, and we see her vagina again.
35:03 I bet she has sex with this female nurse.
35:48 Dammit, I was wrong.
37: 16 Oooh, but she MAY have sex with the Boob Patient from the hallway, who just wandered into Daniella’s room while wearing a teddy.
38:03 Since Daniella’s tied down, Boob Patient is sort of raping her while offering to untie her.
40:12 She stabbed the Boob Patient when she was about to go down on her! And now she’s escaping the hospital. If you’re keeping count at home, that’s three vaginas and three murders.
42:51 All things considered, this really isn’t that bad.
43:41 Out of nowhere, there’s a dude with a beard in the woods outside of a farmhouse at night. Turns out he’s going to have sex with his girlfriend in the barn.
46:03 Aaaaand… now she’s hugging him with her mouth. But Daniella is lurking, none too pleased.
49:11 The cops have figured out that the throat wounds on Barn Girl are the same as the ones on Fabian.
56:19 This is probably the longest segment so far without a vagina in it.
1:01:25 The cops are putting it all together, but she’s hitchhiking now. And that guy driving her is too lecherous to not be the next victim.
1:03:07 “You’d like me to rape you, huh? I’m going to rape you! I’m going to rape you!”. Yeah, or you’re gonna die, asshole.
1:03:59 He’s dead. So I guess this is a werewolfsploitation movie?
1:04:36 The good doctor is back. “She’s suffering from ancestral complexes”. Now he’s using billiard balls to describe Labia Wolf’s mental illness.
1:10:12 Another guy picks her up while hitchhiking. He’s less rapey than the other assholes.
1:14:35 The latest guy is a movie stuntman who just happens to live in the middle of rural Italy. Ok. Anyway, they’re falling in love. You can tell because there’s a montage of them running on the beach mixed in with them fucking.
1:16:31 Uh oh. Now she’s flashing back to her previous murders. And it’s a full moon! RUN, STUNT MAN!
1:17:18 Never mind. She didn’t kill him.
1:20:12 Now three dudes show up at their house and gang rape her while the stunt man is away. Enough with the rape already.
1:22:01 The stunt man has returned and he’s going to kick some rapist ass.
1:23:41 Or they’ll just stab him and he’ll die.
1:26:07 This is starting to drag. Two minutes of rapists crushing cars? Come on.
1:30:54 There we go. She crushed two rapists with the car crusher thingy and a wrench, then burnt the third alive.
1:34:02 Oh yeah. There are still cops chasing her. They don’t think she killed the stunt man but want her for the other murders. I WANT MY WEREWOLVES BACK, DAMMIT.
1:35:48 The cops have found her, in the woods, hungrily slurping a bowl of soup in the most disgusting way possible. Her reaction to seeing the cops? Build a brush fire. Good strategy, Einstein.
1:37:52 The narrator is back, telling us that she was caught and died in a mental hospital. Then there’s some bullshit about “all names being changed” to protect the innocent or some such nonsense. The end.