It was like coming this close to your dreams… and then watching them brush past you, like a stranger in a crowd.
–Archibald “Moonlight” Graham, Field of Dreams
This week, I came extraordinarily close to purchasing tickets to the World Series in the event that my hometown St. Louis Cardinals defeat the Milwaukee Brewers in their best of seven series. But I just missed out. Had I tried fifteen minutes sooner, I would’ve had them. They were completely sold out by the time I had my chance. At this point, I think it’s important to stress just how much I’d like to go to a World Series game featuring the St. Louis Cardinals.
There is almost nothing that I would like more than to go to a World Series game featuring my Cardinals. I was willing to pay $200-$250 per ticket just for the right, and not even for good seats. You see, these opportunities don’t come along very often. This would be the third time that the Cardinals have made the World Series in the 10 years that I’ve lived in St. Louis (again, predicated on them beating Milwaukee, who is favored in the series), and three times is very lucky. Fans of other teams go entire decades without the chance. It’s a huge deal to get a chance to see your favorite team playing in a World Series. As such, I’d be willing to do almost anything for tickets. Which horrible movie and TV scenarios would I be willing to watch if someone gave me World Series tickets?
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
I’ll watch the whole damned thing, from cloying idiotic concept to the undoubtedly equally cloying finale.
Every trailer for Katherine Heigl movies, on repeat, for 3 hours
This means The Ugly Truth; Killers; some shit called 27 Dresses; Life As We Know It; even Romy and Michele: In the Beginning, a made for TV prequel to that other shitty movie with the similar name. For crying out loud, look at this:
Michael Bay’s commentary on Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Subjecting myself to Michael Bay detailing his masturbatory explosion sequence and why it makes his movie stand above the rest has to be worth a couple hundred dollars worth of goods.
The first season of The Simple Life
Eight years ago, the Fox network created a pimple on the ass of society. It was called “The Simple Life” and it revolved around Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie doing manual labor jobs. I am willing to put myself through the hell that must be watching the first season of that show.
I will re-watch Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom while eating a big bowl of chocolate pudding
Just in case you need a refresher, here’s what I thought of this movie the first time I saw it a few months ago. As you can probably guess by the chocolate pudding corollary, it features a lot of people consuming things that would make chocolate pudding very unappealing. Specifically, feces. People eat feces in Salò.
A movie starring Jimmy Fallon
You would think that multiple movies should be required here. But one movie starring Jimmy Fallon is enough torture to help me earn a World Series ticket. I don’t even care which one it is. That horrible thing starring Queen Latifah seems like a good choice. The fact that I consider him that torturous should tell you everything you need to know about what I think of Jimmy Fallon.
The entire Saw series back to back
Strangely, I’ve already seen the first. I haven’t felt the need to see the rest. I would be willing to ingest every lame clichéd act of torture if someone would put me inside Busch Stadium for the act.