Dear New Ape Overlords,
Allow me to be the first to commend you on your rise from beneath the thumb of Draco Malfoy to the top of civilization. May your poo-flinging days be long behind you, and may a new era of simian intelligence reign.
Might I be the first to offer my services to you? I have a beard, which makes me more similar to you than my peers. On many occasions throughout my life, I have been said to possess a chimp-like intelligence. While my human peers doling out the comment surely saw it as an insult, I’m sure you will see it for what it is- a sign that I may be a valuable tool in helping you maintain law and order.
Moreover, I’ve seen some Jane Goodall documentaries. I’m also generally fond of bananas and Chips Ahoy cookies. I’ve been preparing for your meteoric rise to power for quite some time. I feel that these skills, along with my proper respect for your monkeyesque ability to govern, make me uniquely qualified to be the human sycophant that you need, the Smithers to your army of hairy C. Montgomery Burnses.