An Open Letter to Our New Ape Overlords

Dear New Ape Overlords,

Allow me to be the first to commend you on your rise from beneath the thumb of Draco Malfoy to the top of civilization. May your poo-flinging days be long behind you, and may a new era of simian intelligence reign.

I can teach you valuable things. For instance, I can show you why this gorilla's ass cheeks shouldn't be showing.

Might I be the first to offer my services to you? I have a beard, which makes me more similar to you than my peers. On many occasions throughout my life, I have been said to possess a chimp-like intelligence. While my human peers doling out the comment surely saw it as an insult, I’m sure you will see it for what it is- a sign that I may be a valuable tool in helping you maintain law and order.

Moreover, I’ve seen some Jane Goodall documentaries. I’m also generally fond of bananas and Chips Ahoy cookies. I’ve been preparing for your meteoric rise to power for quite some time. I feel that these skills, along with my proper respect for your monkeyesque ability to govern, make me uniquely qualified to be the human sycophant that you need, the Smithers to your army of hairy C. Montgomery Burnses.

Respectfully yours,

John LaRue


16 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

16 responses to “An Open Letter to Our New Ape Overlords

  1. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?

  2. Phil

    My daughter and I watched a talking ape trilogy last week – Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Project Nim, and Koko, the Talking Gorilla. They were all very good, but not perfect.

  3. I am right with you on this one. Being more ape than human (i have the hairy ass cheeks to prove it!!) I think I will be able to mix well with my primate brethren.

    Great post as ever John

  4. rtm

    Ahahaha, be careful what you wish for John!

  5. Wow. I can’t believe a person would spin such bullshit to avoid being enslaved by apes. That’s not an insult by the way, it’s actually a compliment. If only I could bullshit the apes as well as you could and then I wouldn’t be stuck down here in the cellar chained to the walls typing on an iPhone with my feet. Oh, shit, they’re comi

  6. To be admitted as one of them, you must take out an helicopter just like in the movie.

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  8. @da_Rhettster

    OK, did anyone else think, Gee, there are millions of PEOPLE in that area and with the exception of one gorilla who jumped one helicopter (and subsequently died in the crash by the way) we still have all the weapons and technology.

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