My Proposed Ad Copy for the St. Louis Department of Tourism

Almost everything I’ve ever done here has been movie or TV-related. I may talk about baseball from time to time, but it’s always within the context of movies or TV. That is, until right now. As I’ve mentioned a billion times, I hate summer weather, I hate the heat, and I become a gigantic baby about it for 3 months. That being the case, here is my proposed ad for the St. Louis Department of Tourism.

Scene: exterior, a Catholic church fish fry. A thermometer is visible, showing 98 degrees.

(voiceover, Joe Buck): Do you like sweaty testicles and underboobs, mediocre cheese that makes you shit your pants, Catholicism, and toasted ravioli?

Fish Fry patrons, in unison: YOU BET, JOE!

(Buck): Then you’ll love Summertime in St. Louis, where there’s always more to see… inside, near the comfort of air conditioning! Experience the joy of St. Louis Cardinals baseball on television from the comfort of your hotel room chair while drinking a tall frosty Busch beer, near the air conditioner. Join in the fun of buying Ted Drewes famous frozen custard, and then rushing immediately back to your hotel room chair, near the air conditioner. Witness the magic of science at the St. Louis Science Center, near the vents that emit their central air conditioning! Call Imo’s and have them deliver a pizza to you while you wait in your hotel room chair, near the air conditioner! This summer only, any large Imos pizza comes with two free rolls of toilet paper and that day’s copy of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

(voiceover singers, singing slogan): Saaaaint Loooouis! There’s always moooo-oooore to see! (whispers) near your hotel air conditioner (echoes)

That last part is kind of like the “Wehrenberg… Wehrenberg…” thing that plays in St. Louis theaters, like so:


Filed under Humor

18 responses to “My Proposed Ad Copy for the St. Louis Department of Tourism

  1. Dude

    This is hilarious. My kid agrees with you.

    • I think now is the time to tell the story about your kid that prompted me to create this ad copy.

      • Dude

        Ok…here’s the deal. I took the kid to lunch with John and “mom” today. When we left the restaurant it was 103. We got to the car and my kid started crying and fussing, wanting mamamama, and sweating. Eventually he calmed down on the rode home. Then, when it was time to get out, he started to get pissed again. We got to the door to the house and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bigger smile in my life. Once we got inside he started giggling. Even 10 month olds know this shit is wrong.

  2. It’s interesting, because the weather in this part of New Zealand is exactly the opposite of St Louis. Seriously, snow, storms, endless rain. You say you’re envious of it, but you can’t do anything at the moment. Except for watch movies and blog. My forte. 😉

  3. Yeah, totally agree with you. When I lived there, I couldn’t be outside even if I wanted to because the mosquitoes were so bad! That, and the Catholics were swarming too.

  4. Erin

    BAWH! HAHAHAHAHA! LMAO! Especially the whisper part! It is ridiculously hot! I got on 44 yesterday, and for a split second seriously considered just catching 55 and going north till my boob sweat dissipated.

    • That is an awesome plan. It’s time for a Wisconsin vacation. Or at least Chicago or Joliet or something. Anywhere north of here that isn’t Iowa.

      • Dude's Wife

        I’m in for a reprieve. I vote Wisco or Chicago.

        re·prieve  1. to delay the impending punishment or sentence of (a condemned person).
        2. to relieve temporarily from any evil.

  5. Tambourine Man

    Did you know that the album cover for “Wish You Were Here” was actually shot in St. Louis on a summer day back in the 70’s? The original concept was to just have these two dudes shaking hands. And then the one dude spontaneously combusted, and voila, iconic album art complete.

  6. Does the Wherenberg Theaters still exist? And if so, do they still have the theme song that goes “BA ba ba ba, ba ba, ba ba, ba ba ba?

  7. HAHA Love it. I would also love to have a little bit y=of your weather here in the UK. Our Summer again is pretty rubbish, although I am NOT giving up on the shorts!!


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