Almost everything I’ve ever done here has been movie or TV-related. I may talk about baseball from time to time, but it’s always within the context of movies or TV. That is, until right now. As I’ve mentioned a billion times, I hate summer weather, I hate the heat, and I become a gigantic baby about it for 3 months. That being the case, here is my proposed ad for the St. Louis Department of Tourism.
Scene: exterior, a Catholic church fish fry. A thermometer is visible, showing 98 degrees.
(voiceover, Joe Buck): Do you like sweaty testicles and underboobs, mediocre cheese that makes you shit your pants, Catholicism, and toasted ravioli?
Fish Fry patrons, in unison: YOU BET, JOE!
(Buck): Then you’ll love Summertime in St. Louis, where there’s always more to see… inside, near the comfort of air conditioning! Experience the joy of St. Louis Cardinals baseball on television from the comfort of your hotel room chair while drinking a tall frosty Busch beer, near the air conditioner. Join in the fun of buying Ted Drewes famous frozen custard, and then rushing immediately back to your hotel room chair, near the air conditioner. Witness the magic of science at the St. Louis Science Center, near the vents that emit their central air conditioning! Call Imo’s and have them deliver a pizza to you while you wait in your hotel room chair, near the air conditioner! This summer only, any large Imos pizza comes with two free rolls of toilet paper and that day’s copy of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.
(voiceover singers, singing slogan): Saaaaint Loooouis! There’s always moooo-oooore to see! (whispers) near your hotel air conditioner (echoes)
That last part is kind of like the “Wehrenberg… Wehrenberg…” thing that plays in St. Louis theaters, like so: