Supernatural Creatures That Should Appear on True Blood

I have a shameful admission to make. I watch True Blood. To quote a friend, “It’s a show about vampires and werewolves having sex”. And therein lies the shame- the ridiculousness of it all. I always feel so dirty the day after I’ve watched that show. However, I’ve reached a détente with my guilt. I’ve learned to watch the show as if I was watching an Ed Wood-quality B movie. My enjoyment of it goes up considerably with this approach. One of my initial issues with the show was the never-ending stream of supernatural creatures that showed up. I was suspending disbelief with vampires. Then came shapeshifters and faeries. And then came a maenad. And then there were werewolves and witches. Finally, they added the most notorious of legendary creatures, the werepanther. No, I did not just make up the word “werepanther”, although my spellcheck doesn’t believe me. At any rate, since the gates are open and any and all supernatural creatures are making appearances now, here are some that I think would make great characters on True Blood.

Mummies
If you’re going to rifle through the Universal Horror classics with vampires and werewolves, why stop there? There are plenty of ornate, fascinating tombs in Louisiana, certainly more than enough to house an ancient Egyptian corpse seeking revenge.

Zombies
It’s the same general idea. There are so many classic monsters on this show that to leave out zombies would do a disservice to monsterdom.

Leprechauns
Just think of the mischief that might ensue as Sheriff Andy seeks out a pot of gold. Plus, we’ve already seen on Game of Thrones and Boardwalk Empire that HBO is little person-friendly in their casting.

Goblins
A goblin infestation may be exactly what Bon Temps needs, and I can only assume that they’d pose a threat to the vampires. However- and this is an important caveat- they should resemble these guys from Troll 2:

The Creature from the Black Lagoon
You’re telling me that the Amazonian fish monster guy from the 1950’s film couldn’t survive in the steamy swamps surrounding Bon Temps? I say yes. Yes he can.

Uranus, the Greek sky god
After Maryann the Maenad, the floodgates to Greek mythology are wide open. Why not capitalize in the sexiest way possible- by using the god whose name plays off of the age-old “Your Anus” joke?  

Big Feet
To do this right, it can’t be just one sasquatch. It has to be a whole army of sasquatches… or sasquai… or Big Feet who somehow pose a threat to faeries because they taste so much better than beef jerky.

Alf the Melmacian
Everything is better when Alf is involved. Don’t fight it because you know it’s true.

Yoda
Andy Bellefleur. Bud Dearborn. Jason Stackhouse. The 5-0 in Bon Temps is woefully inept. I propose they need a wiser sheriff in town to keep the wacky elements out.  

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man
Now that there are witches in the equation, this should be a slam dunk for the storyline. 

Conan the Barbarian

– 

WereJesus
This would enable the show’s writers to combine the fun of the southern gothic grotesque with were… things.

 


10 Comments

Filed under Humor, TV Shows

10 responses to “Supernatural Creatures That Should Appear on True Blood

  1. I am safe to say I have never watched a single episode of this. It just feels wrong!!

    I think with the exception of Alf and Conan all the stated creatures have been through Supernatural, I love that show!!

    🙂

  2. The guy who met Kevin Meany

    Season 2 already sort of delved into the quasi-zombie realm with all of the Bon Temps townpeople being turned into mindless zombies (temporarily) and having orgies. Also, according to Chuck Pahlanuik’s Haunted, werewolves are merely a cousin of shape shifters –that’s been covered as well. Yeah, I watch True Blood–you got a problem with that? I have to support published authors from Arkansas and I’m not reading the Charlaine Harris books, so watching the show is the next best thing.

  3. rtm

    Ahahaha… I’d love to see Conan go against all of those angst-ridden, lusty vampires!! 😀

  4. The guy who met Kevin Meany

    Also, there is no way Conan the Barbarian would want to be left out. I saw pictures of his long time maid. After her, he would have no problem getting it on with a werepanther, a shape-shifter, or ALF.

  5. True Blood is a real cult hit here in New Zealand, mostly because Anna Paquin comes from here. I watched a couple of episodes once but never really got into it. Your friend’s plot summary sums it up beautifully, and this is a great tribute to a depressing, unimpressive show.

  6. StarkyLuv

    I never understood people who apologize for what they like by saying “I feel guilty”. I guess it’s fear of judgement from one’s “intellectual peers”. But I see no need to apologize for anything I enjoy.

    I like True Blood because it’s entertaining. It’s not profound. It doesn’t have some redeeming message. It’s good, sleazy, rip-roaring FUN! And that’s all it aims to be.

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