Fictional Colleges I Wish I Had Graduated From

All over the United States, colleges and universities are granting diplomas to a flood of kids who have earned them through four to seven years of hard work, with intermittent periods of impairment and debauchery. It makes me nostalgic for the time when I was one of those impaired, fun-loving creatures on the cusp of taking a job from some poor sap. I miss those years because it’s such a spectacular time in a young person’s life. At the time of graduation, you have endured the maximum amount of youthful highjinx before you must begin the process of becoming a really boring adult. I’m content with my degree from my alma mater, but here are some fictional colleges I wish I’d graduated from. And congrats to any graduates out there:

Harrison UniversityOld School (2003)
The best part of graduating from Harrison University is that your campus connections would include that guy who hilariously does the obscene version of Bonnie Tyler’s “Turn Around”. No matter how many weddings and divorces and more weddings you have post-graduation, you could always make the reception memorable. Depending on the type of degree you have- like, say, a political science degree (hypothetically)- a connection like that is way more valuable than your undergraduate degree.

Grand Lakes University, Back to School (1986)
First and foremost, Grand Lakes U. was home to an NCAA Swimming and Diving powerhouse. Four years of taking in championship Swimming and Diving competitions would’ve been all of the college sports action I could handle. Secondly, the faculty at Grand Lakes might sleep with you if you play your cards right. Sleeping with faculty is a guaranteed A grade in their course, contingent upon your extracurricular performance. Just don’t let the war veteran history professors intimidate you.

South Harmon Institute of Technology, Accepted (2006)
I am completely excited about the prospect of attaining a degree from any college that employs Lewis Black as the Dean. It’s really that simple.

Clayton College, College (1927)
Clayton offers the most well-rounded education of the colleges on this list and carries the added bonus of flapper women from the 20’s. Their baseball team even has an opening at 3B, if one was so inclined. That’s assuming you can beat out this guy:

Adams College, Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
It’s a mythical place where nerds and jocks can live in harmony- very, very hard-earned, stolen-panty-fueled  harmony. However, they really need to work on their frighteningly lax sexual harassment policies. I would’ve gone there but I certainly would never send a daughter there.

Faber College, Animal House (1978)
In many ways, my own college experience mirrored the Faber experience. The fact that lots of other people might say the same thing speaks to why the film has so much charm. I think most college kids have known (or been) John Blutarsky or Otter or Boone. You may have even known a D-Day or a Stork. The positive is that the faculty will share their drugs with you. The negative is that the same faculty may expect you to share your significant others with them. No dice, Donald Sutherland.

Eastern State University, The Program (1993)
The antithesis of Adams College, football rules the day here. Nerds don’t even apply. Football players even got away with steroid use and serious disruption of the peace in various ways. But, the schedule was loaded with great games and the school seems to be willing to cheat to win. Odds are good you’d get to celebrate some kind of championship in one of the major sports.

Huxley University, Horsefeathers (1932)
The football program is improving, and the co-eds are quite clever, if also conniving. The President of the esteemed school is Groucho Marx. How could you go wrong? 


13 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

13 responses to “Fictional Colleges I Wish I Had Graduated From

  1. How very on point and topical of you.

    I am an uneducated fool, without a degree to show for myself. Although I am very happy with all the choices I made and I have a great family and beautiful wife.

    Is it the same in the US as it is here, that quite often a degree is almost a hinderence rather than a help. My wife for instance took fashion design, but had no hope of ever getting work in the industry as you needed to have the right money and go to the right university. Its better here to do a trade than it is to do a degree almost.

    Sorry John I have gone off topic.

    Great post as ever, I love Accepted such a funny film!!

    /runs off for rambling about nothing/

    • That’s a great question. I’m actually employed by a University, and I’m a firm believer in higher education… but not as a means of getting a job, necessarily. I just think there’s a lot of value in the knowledge. Probably the bigger hinderance in the US is the humongous costs of a college/university degree. Because of the economy, more and more people are choosing to go without a college degree and enter their chosen profession straight out of high school. It’s not a bad choice, really.

      I should probably clarify, too- you don’t have to have the college/university courses to get the knowledge. I’m an editor/graphic designer, and my college major was political science. The stuff I do is completely self-taught, with a big helping hand from some really great friends and co-workers who have taught me along the way. What I learned in my political science courses is, to be blunt, completely useless to me now. It doesn’t do me a spot of good in any practical sense.

      /now I’m rambling. I guess the summary is that knowledge and education are very important, whether it comes from a University professor or just picking up the right books and doing your own research

      • What about the knowledge you pick up from just proceeding through life?

        I think there is great value in the degree you get from the University of Life, I have a first in Common Sense for instance.

        You are right though. I have never been needed to provide any educational proof to any employer. I think they just look to see if you can show commitment to something, whether it be a University or a Vocation. Just because I haven’t got a piece of paper stating that I know how to write an essay on the works of the German Expressionists, does not mean I haven’t read about them…

        Sorry John this is turning into a ‘beer’ drinking debate.

        Happy Friday

        • I agree with all that you’ve said there. My grandfather was very wise and he never got out of the 8th grade, for instance.

          I even work for a guy who never got a University degree.

  2. Pacific Tech, Real Genius (1985)

  3. Great list. College (or university as they call it here in NZ) is still fresh in my mind and I have a lot of great memories and learning experiences I can take away from it. But I’d give it all up for a semester with Rodney Dangerfield. 🙂

  4. Stu

    Buster Keaton and the Marx Brothers in the same list. Now you’re making me want to throw on some silent-comedy action before bedtime…

    • I’ve got a “Go West” re-watch scheduled for this week. As far as I’m concerned, you can never go wrong with Buster. Or the Marx Brothers, too, but Buster is on a whole other level for me.

  5. And here’s some love for the college in PCU. Then again, it’s just Animal House Redux, so…

    S.H.I.T. is really the hands-down winner here. Could it get any better than that?

  6. Totally with you on Animal House. I’m totally missing out on the Greek thing ( … maybe not) by going to uni in Scotland.

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