I’m not exactly one for bloodlust or political discussion for a whole host of reasons, especially here at TDYLF. That having been said, the recent capture and murder of Osama Bin Laden is a very historical event. And since my brain never stops thinking about movies, it didn’t take me long to start contemplating which movie characters would’ve been the best potential snipers to take Bin Laden down. Here are eleven movie characters I like to pretend had killed Osama Bin Laden. That’s not to be confused with “Elven Movie Characters I Like to Pretend Killed Osama Bin Laden”, which would be a very different list involving elves:
That Jonathan Lipnicki kid from Jerry Maguire
Having his security people defeated by that goofy little kid would be enough to make him die just from the embarrassment. Show me the tyrant!
John McClane, Die Hard
Few movie characters better embody good ol’ American ass-kickiness and swagger as much as John McClane. He’s been taking down terrorists since the 80’s. Having brandished smarts and weapons and snappy dialogue like “Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker” to defeat terrorists on four separate occasions, nobody would’ve been more qualified in Abbottabad.
She could subvert the compound’s security using environmental law, and also possibly her boobs. Once past them, she’d be free and clear into Bin Laden’s lair where she’d sue him to death.
Dawn O’Keefe, Teeth
Right about now, you might be asking “Who is Dawn O’Keefe?”. She’s the girl from Teeth who possessed a condition known as “vagina dentata”- teeth in her vagina. Being slaughtered by a vagina is a fitting way for a misogynistic jackass to die.
Shosanna Dreyfus, Inglourious Basterds
Are there any two groups more oppressed by Bin Laden’s belief structure than women and Jewish people? Who better to impose justice than this Jewish female badass that already has one tyrant’s scalp on her belt?
Anton Chigurh, No Country for Old Men
When you mastermind a whole bunch of terrorist attacks, you’ve already called the coin flip well before the coin was even flipped, haven’t you Friendo? And to paraphrase my own friendo, Chigurh is appropriate given the cat and mouse game in No Country for Old Men and the extended decade-long search for Bin Laden. If anyone deserves a cattle bolt to the skull, it’s Osama Bin Laden.
Elvis, Bubba Ho-Tep
He can handle undead unkillable Egyptian mummies. And he has JFK (sort of) as a sidekick. Either he’s a senior citizen who mistakenly thinks he’s Elvis, or he really is The King. Either way, being defeated by a symbol of American excess would be humiliating to Bin Laden.
The Golgothan, Dogma
If you’re not familiar with the Golgothan, it’s also known (per Kevin Smith) as “the rubber poop monster” or “shit demon”. And it would work wonders on Bin Laden, unless he had a can of Glade.
The Rancor Monster, Return of the Jedi
Unless Bin Laden uses the Force to make the Rancor monster choke on a bone, it’d be unstoppable and would probably amass a lot of collateral damage en route to the Bin Laden compound.
Karl Childers, Sling Blade
What are you doing with that lawnmower blade, Karl? “I reckon I aim to kill you with it, Osama”.
John Shaft, Shaft
You need someone to go into Abbottabad, wipe out a ton of security, and then murder a very dangerous man. In other words, you need a cat that won’t drop out when there’s danger all about. You need a man who would risk his neck for his brother man. You need a baaaaaad mother (SHUT YOUR MOUTH). Hey, I’m only talking about Shaft.