17 TV Characters Who Probably Have Venereal Diseases

We’ve all seen these characters- the clichéd character whose monstrous sexual desires can’t be quenched. But where are the consequences? Let’s face reality. Many of our favorite TV characters probably had sexually transmitted diseases. Here are seventeen TV characters who most likely have felt the burn and/or had to use a very special shampoo:

1. Larry Dalliapoulos, Three’s Company
He was the scourge of the Regal Beagle. And his clearly defined womanizing role was key to the show’s plot. How many times did he rope Jack into the highjinx, only  to have Jack find himself in the odd position of denying his heterosexuality to Mr. and Mrs. Roper, or Mr. Furley?

2. Sam Malone, Cheers
The Major League baseball career, the faux interest in what his female patrons had to say, the obsession with his appearance… Sammy put a lot of effort into being a ladies man, and his exploits were notorious. If I remember right, he even went to Sex Addicts meetings.

3. Mona Robinson, Who’s the Boss?
She’s described on the show as a “sexually progressive mother”. Right from the Who’s the Boss Wikipedia page, she “dated all kinds of men, from college age to silver-haired CEOs.” By “dated”, I think it’s safe to assume that they didn’t mean that she was holding their hands and going out for chocolate malts.

4. Glenn Quagmire, Family Guy
The guy is so devoted to having as much sex as possible that he’s not above bending his penis into the shape of a Q or keeping “tagged” women in his car trunk. Venereal disease? The guy probably has S.T.D.’s that aren’t known to medical science.

5. Wendy, Breaking Bad
She’s a prostitute that exchanges favors for meth, and perhaps legal representation (see the following video). Does she have a venereal disease? Does a bear shit in the woods?

6. Hank Moody, Californication
When he isn’t drinking himself into oblivion, penning books like God Hates Us All, or ghostwriting Fucking and Punching, Hank (David Duchovny) needs to relieve stress. And he does so with a different woman in seemingly every episode. Art, meet life. Life, meet art.

7. Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
Barney… wait for it… takes the swinging single man to a new… wait for it… level of awesomeness. His escapades are nothing short of Legen.. wait for it… DARY. SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED HIGH FIVE!

8. Blanche Devereaux, Golden Girls
With all due respect to Rue McClanahan and the way her role empowered sexually active senior citizens, I’ll take “Grossest TV Veneral Disease Candidates” for $500, Alex. This is a woman who kept whipped cream on her nightstand. /chills down the spine

9. Tony Soprano, The Sopranos
Tony’s risk was extraordinarily high. He had sex with strippers, prostitutes, his peers’ comarés (pronounced “goomah”), almost with his nephew’s fiancé, and just about anything else that would give him the time of day… except, of course, for Dr. Melfi. I’m surprised he wasn’t scratching his stugots in every episode.

10. At least one cast member on Sex and the City
I have never seen this show, ever. But I know that it’s not about, say, four female documentarians wandering around urban environments and observing the mating habits of pigeons. At least one of those women had to have a venereal disease. For all I know, there may have even been mention of it during the show’s run.

11. Don Draper, Mad Men
Not only was Don extremely sexually active beyond the confines of his marriage (and relationships), but he lived in the 60’s- the era of free love and less advanced medicine. In other words, I doubt there’s any sort of preventive work going on regarding Don Draper’s wang.

12. Dan Fielding, Night Court
Dan would do anything at all to get a woman into bed with him. And given his profession- attorney- he was trained in the arts of persuasion. Too often, Dan’s exploits involved women that were, shall we say, “of ill repute”. There’s no need for the jury to retire in the case of Fielding v. Venereal Disease. The court finds in favor of Venereal Disease and sentences Fielding to a lifetime of itching and burning.

13. Atia of the Julii, Rome
This is a woman who knew how to use her genitals to get somewhere in life. Unlike a lot of the mildly pointless fornication on the rest of this list, Atia’s sexual exploits at least brought her more power. And probably a disease. Yeesh, go to the IMDb Memorable Quotes page for Rome and one of Atia’s memorable quotes is, “A large penis is always welcome!”. You know what they say- “When in Rome, sleep your way to the top”, or something like that.

14. Michael Kelso, That 70’s Show
Kelso didn’t have a lot going on upstairs, but he did get around- A LOT- and he also managed to get the girl who would go on to feast on Natalie Portman in Black Swan. By my count, that’s Michael Kelso 1, Venereal Disease 1-  a tie score!

15. Jason Stackhouse, True Blood
Sleeping with several members of a single species is an invitation to a sexually transmitted disease. Sleeping with several members of one species plus another species is tantamount to putting a welcome mat above your johnson.

16. Turanga Leela, Futurama
By and large, Leela was a pretty chaste character. Or at least, she had a lot of sexual frustration and failure, often because she only had one eye. So she’s an anomaly on this list in that she didn’t do much sleeping around. Why do I consider her a suspect for a sexually transmitted disease? Because in the parlance of Bender, she boned… the Zapper, one of the most sexually desperate characters you’ll ever find. There’s no way Zapp Brannigan didn’t have a V.D.

17. Jeff Boomhauer, King of the Hill
Boomhauer’s celebrated prowess with the ladies of Arlen- presumably thanks to the sweet nothings… er… babblings that he whispers in their ears- has no doubt led to an ointment appointment. Dang ol’ he can’t speak dang ol’ like we do man but dang ol’ tell you what man he speaks the language of love man. 


29 Comments

Filed under Humor, TV Shows

29 responses to “17 TV Characters Who Probably Have Venereal Diseases

  1. 5. Wendy, Breaking Bad
    She’s a prostitute that exchanges favors for meth, and perhaps legal representation (see the following video). Does she have a venereal disease? Does a bear shit in the woods?

    This made me spit coke across my desk!! Thank god my macbook is out of the way, or I would be sending you a repair bill.

    What about Joey from Friends? or is that too obvious?

    C

    • Joey was definitely a contender. Charlie from Two and a Half Men was, too. At some point, I figured it’d make for good discussion to find what was left out or what other people might have included instead.

  2. The guy who met Kevin Meany

    This list met all the required criteria: Dan Fielding, Sam Malone, and Quagmire. Well done.

    • Dan Fielding: the role that launched John Larroquette to “The John Larroquette Show”, which made him a household name. And “household” is singular- as in, he was a popular name in one household.

  3. Kelly

    Ok… when I opened my email and read the title of this, I started laughing so hard my side hurts now. First, I’m impressed by your use of Larry Dallas’ given surname. Second, I remember an episode of Family Guy where Quagmire mentions that he is immune to a VD, but I can’t think of which. Third, just the mention of Blanche here made me throw up a little in my mouth. And fourth, because I own the entire series of SATC, there were two instances of VD and, surprisingly, neither involved Samantha. All in all, this is the funniest thing I’ve read this week. Bravo, John!

    • The guy who met Kevin Meany

      There is no way a character from Happy Days is making this list.

      • I thought long and hard about Fonzie. I am dead serious about that, too. I guess it just seemed like there were more obvious candidates. And plus, the Fonz could cure himself of any VD’s instantly by punching himself in the groin.

        • Kelly

          Oh my! This just keeps getting better and better…

          I agree with The Guy, about characters from Happy Days staying off this list. It was a somewhat-wholesome show where the kids were making out, but not more than that. Howard and Marion were the frisky ones.

      • Kelly

        I just watched Family Guy’s “The Father, the Son and the Holy Fonz” episode. There was a scene with Peter watching Happy Days where Mr. C asks Fonzie to help him with his erectile dysfuntion problem, so Fonzie punches Mr. C in the groin. I know it’s not quite the same as VD, but I thought it was worth mentioning after this conversation.

  4. aleksa

    I’m drawing a blank on the second of the two other species Jason Stackhouse slept with. I know Crystal, who’s the other one?

    • You know what? I think you’re right. For some reason or another, I was thinking he’d been with a vampire woman. I’ll edit it to make it right. Thanks for the heads up.

  5. Patty the daytime hooker!!
    From My Name Is Mustache!

    • I haven’t seen nearly enough of that show, but a quick google search of “Patty the Daytime Hooker” verifies that she belongs on the list. Holy cow… No wonder she fit in so well in “Winter’s Bone”.

  6. Jonah

    who was the older brother in six feet under, was is Nate?

  7. rtm

    Ahah, Larry from Three’s Company, good call! He’s just so smarmy but man that show is such a guilty pleasure, there’s even a comedy movie franchise in Indonesia that shamelessly rip off this series.

    Agree on Kelso and Atia, my goodness, I usually ffwd those parts when I watched ROME, sorry but it’s just gross!

  8. Don

    Ok, Ive read the list and all the comments, and I just have one thing to say…”Sponge Worthy!” You Forgot Elaine from Seinfeld!

  9. martin

    we had a list well over 25 people.. could have easily done an honorable mention thingi..

  10. ivy

    It is dangerous to portray this lifestyle with absolutely no consequences when it is, in fact, downright life threatening (aids). It makes for good entertainment though I suppose….by the way, Quagmire does have VD and in one episode he escapes handcuffs by burning them off with his STDs. Lol

  11. The Zapper

    The Velour fog? The 25 star general? The man w no name….Zapp Brannigan? Ehhh, maybe, trying to keep leela and fry clean, trying to formulate a better arguement than ‘he is too incompetent and pathetic to catch one’ but thats all i got. But the creatures who would bang him would bang anything so…… didnt he hit unknowingly on a transvestite? Leela = mutant = immune! Done

    Do prostitutes and Quagmire really count? Too obvious, low hanging fruit giggity. If theyre included, then what about the hooker from My Name Is Earl? Could write up two lists, one for family friendly shows like Happy Days and Friends, and another for more adult themed shows like All in the Family and Always Sunny in Philladelphia…..k now im done, great list funny.

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