We’ve all seen these characters- the clichéd character whose monstrous sexual desires can’t be quenched. But where are the consequences? Let’s face reality. Many of our favorite TV characters probably had sexually transmitted diseases. Here are seventeen TV characters who most likely have felt the burn and/or had to use a very special shampoo:
1. Larry Dalliapoulos, Three’s Company
He was the scourge of the Regal Beagle. And his clearly defined womanizing role was key to the show’s plot. How many times did he rope Jack into the highjinx, only to have Jack find himself in the odd position of denying his heterosexuality to Mr. and Mrs. Roper, or Mr. Furley?
2. Sam Malone, Cheers
The Major League baseball career, the faux interest in what his female patrons had to say, the obsession with his appearance… Sammy put a lot of effort into being a ladies man, and his exploits were notorious. If I remember right, he even went to Sex Addicts meetings.
3. Mona Robinson, Who’s the Boss?
She’s described on the show as a “sexually progressive mother”. Right from the Who’s the Boss Wikipedia page, she “dated all kinds of men, from college age to silver-haired CEOs.” By “dated”, I think it’s safe to assume that they didn’t mean that she was holding their hands and going out for chocolate malts.
4. Glenn Quagmire, Family Guy
The guy is so devoted to having as much sex as possible that he’s not above bending his penis into the shape of a Q or keeping “tagged” women in his car trunk. Venereal disease? The guy probably has S.T.D.’s that aren’t known to medical science.
5. Wendy, Breaking Bad
She’s a prostitute that exchanges favors for meth, and perhaps legal representation (see the following video). Does she have a venereal disease? Does a bear shit in the woods?
6. Hank Moody, Californication
When he isn’t drinking himself into oblivion, penning books like God Hates Us All, or ghostwriting Fucking and Punching, Hank (David Duchovny) needs to relieve stress. And he does so with a different woman in seemingly every episode. Art, meet life. Life, meet art.
7. Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
Barney… wait for it… takes the swinging single man to a new… wait for it… level of awesomeness. His escapades are nothing short of Legen.. wait for it… DARY. SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED HIGH FIVE!
8. Blanche Devereaux, Golden Girls
With all due respect to Rue McClanahan and the way her role empowered sexually active senior citizens, I’ll take “Grossest TV Veneral Disease Candidates” for $500, Alex. This is a woman who kept whipped cream on her nightstand. /chills down the spine
9. Tony Soprano, The Sopranos
Tony’s risk was extraordinarily high. He had sex with strippers, prostitutes, his peers’ comarés (pronounced “goomah”), almost with his nephew’s fiancé, and just about anything else that would give him the time of day… except, of course, for Dr. Melfi. I’m surprised he wasn’t scratching his stugots in every episode.
10. At least one cast member on Sex and the City
I have never seen this show, ever. But I know that it’s not about, say, four female documentarians wandering around urban environments and observing the mating habits of pigeons. At least one of those women had to have a venereal disease. For all I know, there may have even been mention of it during the show’s run.
11. Don Draper, Mad Men
Not only was Don extremely sexually active beyond the confines of his marriage (and relationships), but he lived in the 60’s- the era of free love and less advanced medicine. In other words, I doubt there’s any sort of preventive work going on regarding Don Draper’s wang.
12. Dan Fielding, Night Court
Dan would do anything at all to get a woman into bed with him. And given his profession- attorney- he was trained in the arts of persuasion. Too often, Dan’s exploits involved women that were, shall we say, “of ill repute”. There’s no need for the jury to retire in the case of Fielding v. Venereal Disease. The court finds in favor of Venereal Disease and sentences Fielding to a lifetime of itching and burning.
13. Atia of the Julii, Rome
This is a woman who knew how to use her genitals to get somewhere in life. Unlike a lot of the mildly pointless fornication on the rest of this list, Atia’s sexual exploits at least brought her more power. And probably a disease. Yeesh, go to the IMDb Memorable Quotes page for Rome and one of Atia’s memorable quotes is, “A large penis is always welcome!”. You know what they say- “When in Rome, sleep your way to the top”, or something like that.
14. Michael Kelso, That 70’s Show
Kelso didn’t have a lot going on upstairs, but he did get around- A LOT- and he also managed to get the girl who would go on to feast on Natalie Portman in Black Swan. By my count, that’s Michael Kelso 1, Venereal Disease 1- a tie score!
15. Jason Stackhouse, True Blood
Sleeping with several members of a single species is an invitation to a sexually transmitted disease. Sleeping with several members of one species plus another species is tantamount to putting a welcome mat above your johnson.
16. Turanga Leela, Futurama
By and large, Leela was a pretty chaste character. Or at least, she had a lot of sexual frustration and failure, often because she only had one eye. So she’s an anomaly on this list in that she didn’t do much sleeping around. Why do I consider her a suspect for a sexually transmitted disease? Because in the parlance of Bender, she boned… the Zapper, one of the most sexually desperate characters you’ll ever find. There’s no way Zapp Brannigan didn’t have a V.D.
17. Jeff Boomhauer, King of the Hill
Boomhauer’s celebrated prowess with the ladies of Arlen- presumably thanks to the sweet nothings… er… babblings that he whispers in their ears- has no doubt led to an ointment appointment. Dang ol’ he can’t speak dang ol’ like we do man but dang ol’ tell you what man he speaks the language of love man.