Breaking Bald: TV’s 10 Best Bald Guys

I have recently become a humongous fan of An Idiot Abroad on the Science Channel. If you’re unfamiliar, the show stars primarily Karl Pilkington, as well as Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant- the trio from HBO’s Ricky Gervais Show. Gervais and Merchant mercilessly needle Pilkington’s bald dome for looking “like an orange”. All of this teasing over baldness made me ponder- who are the ten best bald guys on TV?

#10 John Locke, Lost


Few bald characters have been so divisive amongst a show’s fans like John Locke was to Lost fans. When his hairless head appeared on the screen, you knew that you were in for a wild ride.

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#9 Philip Banks, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air


He was wealthy, he was a lawyer, he was a good- if also wacky- father, he was a public servant, and he was the perfect foil to Will and Jazz’s highjinx.

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#8 Charlie Brown, Various TV specials


What makes Charlie Brown’s baldness especially heart-breaking is that he’s very young. When I was in college, I knew a guy who had gone bald at age 21. That was bad enough. But bald at Charlie Brown’s age? How perfectly fitting that life would be so completely unfair to Charlie Brown, leaving him bald before he even reached the 6th grade.

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#7 Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation


Nothing sets a nerd’s heart aflutter quite like Jean-Luc Picard’s baritone voice and shiny melon.

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#6 Tony Soprano, The Sopranos


There are other powerful bald men on this list. None are as powerful as Tony Soprano, whose baldness is accompanied by sexual exploits, murder, and any number of other crimes. He is the last bald guy that you’d ever want to mess with.

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#5 Theo Kojak, Kojak


Catch phrase? Check (Who loves you, baby). Iconic prop? Check (the lollipop). Bald head? Check. Kojak had everything you needed to be a TV badass.

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#4 Walter White, Breaking Bad


Teetering on the brink of criminal madness and losing his hair because of cancer, Walter White didn’t just steadily lose his hair. He shaved it all off at once, fully embracing his criminal lifestyle and successfully transforming himself from Walter White to Heisenberg. Amazingly, he’s just barely the best bald guy on the show, as his brother-in-law Hank gives him a run for his money (and gets honorable mention on this list).

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#3 Elmer Fudd, Looney Tunes


After a short-lived run of powerful bald guys, we have another loser. Few characters in TV history, bald or otherwise, can match the sheer volume of failure possessed by Elmer Fudd. He is the Washington Generals to Bugs Bunny’s Harlem Globetrotters. And I highly doubt he passed his hunter safety course. Where is his hunter orange outfit? You see, he’s not just a loser- he’s also dangerous, a menace to society.

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#2 Homer Simpson, The Simpsons


Homer Simpson is easily the most recognizable bald TV character, world-wide. Such things happen when you’ve been on television for over two decades. I have a college-aged niece who has never lived in a Homer Simpson-free world. That’s sort of mind boggling. Since Homer is used as a device that can speak to every man, and he’s bald, he registers at #2.

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#1 Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm


You’re probably wondering why George Costanza didn’t make this list. Larry David is the reason. Why have a character based on Larry David (as Costanza was) when you can have the real thing? L.D. registers at #1 because no other character deals with his baldness as often as Larry does. No other character’s baldness leads to this much humor, or just entertainment in general. Curb Your Enthusiasm is the Citizen Kane of tv shows featuring bald characters- a trend-setter that will ultimately leave a baldness legacy. Oh, and also it makes me laugh my ass off.


17 Comments

Filed under TV Shows

17 responses to “Breaking Bald: TV’s 10 Best Bald Guys

  1. Kelly

    No Vic Mackey? Ugh… you broke my heart.

  2. If I ever get a TV show, my goal will be to take that #1 spot since I too am follicley challenged! 😀

    • Be sure to have a catch phrase. And also do neurotic things regarding your baldness like LD.

      Fortunately, I’ve got most of my hair. There’s a bit of a moonroof but otherwise I’m holding tight to what I have.

  3. Don

    OK, as a baldy that frequents your blog, I must say that Tony Soprano is NOT bald. He does have a good recede going on but bald? Cmon, I have a good 4 inches of baldness on him. Surprised that Charles Emerson Winchester III didn’t make the list, of course during the MASH days David Ogden Stires did have a bit of a comb over. Another possibility would be Shemar Moore from Criminal Minds, although he does shave his head, so he is not a natural baldy.

    • AHA! I was hoping you’d contribute; I needed the bald/balding perspective. I really did consider Winchester, but he was such a jerk.

  4. @da_Rhettster

    Not sure where he’d fit in, but an honorable mention has to go to Captain Steubing of the SS Pacific Princess (Love Boat)

    • My friend Marty said the same thing, but I think I’ve seen maybe two episodes of the Love Boat. I would’ve felt guilty including him.

  5. Don

    Oh, I forgot one more, Dale Gribble from King of the Hill! You want to talk about neuroses! He’s got em coming out his ears! He should be honorable mention.

  6. rtm

    Great list, as always John! You should do Best Bald Guys of the Movies as well… I’d vote for Bruce Willis as one of them 🙂

  7. Pingback: Reading Digest: Pro Sports Edition « Dead Homer Society

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