It’s time for my second edition of “Don’t watch it, John!”. The idea behind the series, to borrow from the last entry, “is to find cinema that’s so rotten, so foul, so incredibly fetid that no other human being would dare recommend it to another human being.” I’ve opted for another feature from the IMDb Bottom 100 list for the second go-round: The Hillz. May God have mercy on my soul.
What is The Hillz? Per the Netflix description: Steve 5 (Jesse Woodrow) returns to his posh California suburb after a year away at college to find it radically changed in this black comedy. His friend Duff (Rene Heger) now heads a gang that’s turned the neighborhood into a violent crime zone where a lifestyle of drugs and sex reigns. Drawn to Duff’s new life, Steve 5 struggles to stay true to himself while also trying to win the love of the sexy but unattainable Heather (Paris Hilton).
Who stars in this cinematic monstrosity? Some assholes named Jesse Woodrow and Rene Heger. Oh, and also a certain skanky socialite that you may have heard of… PARIS HILTON.
The Stats: The Hillz chimes in on IMDb at 1.7/10. On Rotten Tomatoes, it doesn’t even have a score because no critics have reviewed it. That’s right- it’s never been reviewed because no critic wants the black mark of having reviewed this movie on their resumé. Or… maybe RT just hasn’t found those reviews yet. Either way, it doesn’t bode well for it at all.
The Review: Just like the last time, I’m writing this in the style of a journal. All times denote how long I’ve been watching.
0:14 First person narrative? Something is fishy here.
0:55 This group of guys is the douchiest bunch of douchebags ever put to film. I refuse to believe that anyone is this douchey.
2:40 “You haven’t been laid in so long, you’re a born again virgin”. How is that funny in any way?
3:57 The exposition in this thing is embarrassing.
5:02 Houston, we have a Hilton.
6:58 Oh shit. Oh no. Oh please, don’t do this… they’re trying to make this into Goodfellas with a bunch of rich white assholes.
9:12 Why are these cops talking like MTV show characters?
11:44 They just made a date rape joke.
12:20 Seriously, nobody is this douchey.
14:25 They cut away to a shot of Hilton with a harp sound effect, as if Paris Hilton is magic.
15:28 Some girl at a party took a hit of some weed out of a pipe and instantly passed out. AND NOW THAT GUY IS GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH HER?
16:58 Oh wait, never mind. He’s just stealing a gun.
17:16 They’re ripping off Taxi Driver. It’s not even subtle. Eight generations of Scorseses who came before Marty collectively rolled over in their graves.
18:33 Mmmm… America’s favorite brand of whipped topping- Pistol Whip.
19:40 A cop just peed on one of the douchebags.
21:00 “One of these days, you’re going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person”. FORESHADOWING!
22:32 “Bitch! Shut the fuck up, chop up your breakfast, snort the shit, and shut the fuck up!” How can anyone deliver that line as wooden as that?
22:57 And now they’re ripping off Boogie Nights.
27:20 More Goodfellas theft, plus Deliverance.
28:33 Paris Hilton may be the best actor in this movie. That’s a frightening prospect.
29:04 And for some reason, we now get a camera angle in a convenience store where the Tampax boxes dominate the foreground.
31:40 “That institutional learning facility has fucked your ass over!” That’s in reference to college. And did anyone edit the screenplay?
34:00 A UC Santa Barbara Banana Slugs shirt… which is right out of Pulp Fiction. How many great movies must be smeared so that Paris Hilton’s movie may live?
36:12 Apparently, “Monster Head” means something bad.
37:14 Oh, it’s the name of a prostitute. Who, uh… gives…
37:57 And she has balls.
40:03 They just drove by the same “Chiropractor” sign for the second time on this same drive, and for the third time in the movie. Nice stock footage, morons.
44:50 Someone just farted in someone else’s face. Superbabies really wasn’t this bad. Hell, it was 10 times better.
48:36 You know what this movie needs? Crack. And… there it is.
55:48 I’m kind of speechless at this point.
58:38 The people who made this should be embarrassed.
1:04:36 Wait, is the cop that arrested him gay or not?
1:05:58 A gunfight with some Koreans costs the nerdy guy his life, bringing the “you’re going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person” line from earlier in the movie full circle.
1:06:43 One of the douches is at the funeral in a suit with no shirt or tie. Just the jacket and some sunglasses.
1:07:40 Paris Hilton is a ridiculous human being.
1:10:23 Who amongst us hasn’t smoked crack in a funeral home bathroom?
1:13:16 That’s the second time they’ve used the word… um… the “t” word, which is two times too many unless you’re British.
1:16:10 So the protag murdered Paris Hilton’s boyfriend. Her reaction? “That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me”.
1:18:30 Cop, during an interrogation: “Have you ever taken it up the pooper before?”
1:22:18 I am speechless yet again. Not because of anything specifically, but rather because of the general craptasticness of the whole film.
1:25:26 They’re using Comic Sans as the font for the credits! You can’t make that up.