Cheeeez Nuts, Part 2: The Cheesiest Movies I’ve Seen on Netflix

As I mentioned yesterday, I’m currently on vacation in Wisconsin. In the interest of giving you content while I’m away, I’ve pre-written a few articles, including this two part series featuring “some quick-hit reviews of the wackiest, goofiest, cheesiest movies I’ve ever rented from Netflix”. Enjoy!

Note: if you visit the Netflix page for any of these movies, you may find these reviews. I’m not plagiarizing. Those are reviews that I wrote back when I actually liked Netflix and wanted to put my content on their pages, which is obviously not the case anymore.

Bad Taste
Hillbilly outback ninjas, a crappy Aussie butt-rock band, and aliens bent on using humans for their intergalactic Happy Meals are just a few- ok, most- of the things that you’ll see in Peter Jackson’s Bad Taste. Like Dead Alive before it, it’s got gore and laughs. However, the plot is little more than a frame for Peter Jackson’s canvas, which is painted with broad strokes of gross-out scenes (this is a good thing, by the way… I’m not insulting him). A fun effort, for sure. Oh, and I guess Jackson later went on to to direct “Lord of the Dance” or something.

Motel Hell

Insert bacon pun here: _______________

Motel Hell plays out like a ridiculous Hillshire Farms ad. “Do you remember a simpler time like 1980, when the FDA didn’t care if you stuffed humans into the ground and raised them like vegetables before turning them into ‘fritters’; PETA didn’t care if you sported a pig’s head mask while wielding a chainsaw against those that oppose you; the DEA didn’t mind if Cliff Claven smoked pot as a member of a crappy butt-rock band called Ivan and the Terribles; Wolfman Jack was a man of the cloth who could enjoy a Hustler magazine from time to time; and dominatrixes and their cross-dressing boyfriends can find a nice country hideaway? Hillshire Farms remembers.” Throw in a love story that’s (and I’m quoting the movie here) “as sweet as sugar-cured ham”, and a five-minute fight scene with pig-head mask guy, and you’ve got a nice little 4 star piece of craptastic entertainment.

Soul Vengeance
“Black guys are dumb but they sure know how to pick their white women”…. Oh, you racist cop, I hope you die a horrible death. I hope you die the worst death possible. I hope you get strangled by a 15 foot long penis. What’s that? That’s what happens? Awesome. The Man is especially evil in Soul Vengeance, first attempting castration of our hero, and then later the judge (the same judge that was soliciting a prostitute/our hero’s girlfriend) sends him to prison. Fortunately for Charles Murray, our hero, he serves his time and comes out clean, vowing to no longer live on “the white man’s installment plan”. It’s a touching story, as Charles rekindles his romance with his reformed-prostitute girlfriend and struggles to re-adjust to society. He constantly has nightmares. And in the last half hour, we find out why he’s having nightmares, and I can’t stress how awesomely hilarious this is…. the source of his nightmares is his prodigious dong’s ability to hypnotize white women and grow to ridiculous lengths. He then spends the last half hour using his monstrous wang to exact revenge upon those who have wronged him, first boning their women and then strangling them with his cartoonishly large penis. Not exactly great, but amusing nonetheless, it’s part Malcolm X, part Dracula, and part Pretty Woman.

(l-r): the Stanford Cardinal, the Creature from the Haunted Sea. Or is it the other way around?

Creature from the Haunted Sea
This was hilarious. The monster looks like the Stanford Cardinal mascot. And the hero is some kind of beatnik James Bond. The heroine bursts into a velvety, ridiculous lounge song titled (no lie here) “The Creature from the Haunted Sea”. To top it off, there’s a really great Cuban militia/spy plot subtext (it was made right around the time that Castro rose to power). My only real gripe is that it could’ve used more monster.

Blood for Dracula
Coming in to Blood for Dracula, I had heard that Andy Warhol was involved, a rapist is the hero, and that one of the leads sounds like Tony Soprano. What I found upon watching it was a delightful cacophony of bad accents, bad dialogue, a bad script, bad acting, gratuitous nudity… and the awesomenocity of Joe Dallesandro and Udo Kier. Dallesandro especially lends to this steaming pile of crappy goodness. There’s nothing quite like hearing a New York accent amid a sea of European accents. I really could’ve done without all of the rape, though the accents wash that away a bit. Dracula could sure use a wirgin and a wegetarian meal.

Flesh for Frankenstein
If you see only one film this year in which someone fornicates with a gall bladder, make it “Flesh for Frankenstein”. Udo Kier and Joe Dallesandro make this one go. And there are some ridiculous, laughable parts to this one- for instance, Kier confusing a gay man for a heterosexual beast, and then using that gay man in the hopes of creating a master race. Oops! His perfect man won’t have sex with his perfect woman. Sorry, Udo. Swing and a miss. I’m partial to Blood for Dracula, between the two Warhol monster movies. This one is entertaining, but I didn’t think it was nearly as “good” as Blood for Dracula (and by “good”, I mean “so horribly bad that it’s funny”). Still worth a watch for a few laughs. My friend Marty cooked this one up as part of the Great Moments in Movie History series, found here.

Hercules in New York
Of all the movies I’ve seen where Arnold Schwarzenegger wrestles a bear, plays a Greek God, and uses a chariot to chase down mobsters (in a station wagon), this is definitely… probably… maybe one of the 10 best. It’s basically a two-star flick that got an extra star for suckitude.


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