I’m introducing a new series here at TDYLF called “Don’t watch it, John!”. The idea is to find cinema that’s so rotten, so foul, so incredibly fetid that no other human being would dare recommend it to another human being. Obviously, this leaves a lot of room for interpretation. This time, for the debut, I’m going to start at the top. Or the bottom, as the case may be- the bottom of the IMDb Bottom 100 list, which brings me to today’s feature… Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004).
So why on earth would I watch this stuff? I like to think of myself much like Colonel Nathan Jessup in A Few Good Men. We live in a world that has horrible movies, and those horrible movies have to be kept from potential viewers. Who’s gonna do it? You? You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That someone watching Superbabies, while tragic, probably saves lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You want me on that wall, you need me on that wall, protecting you from the cinematic horrors of the world.
What is Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2? Per the Netflix description, Superbabies is “the sequel to the family comedy Baby Geniuses, the pint-sized adventure continues with a new generation of talking toddlers. This time, the baby geniuses must foil a nefarious mind-controlling scheme led by media mogul Bill Biscane (Jon Voight).”
Who stars in this cinematic monstrosity? Jon Voight, Vanessa Angel (the hot chick from Kingpin), and Scott Baio. Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd were in the first movie but the script was so bad that neither could be convinced to return for the sequel.
The Stats: The original Baby Geniuses registers at 2.2 out of 10 on IMDb. On Rotten Tomatoes, it scores 2% on the Tomatometer. Well… this pile of poo is the sequel to THAT. My opponent comes in at 0% on the Tomatometer (no critic has given it a positive review) and 1.4 out of 10 on IMDb.
The Review: To do this the right way, I’m going to have to do it in the style of a journal. All times denote how long I’ve been watching.
2:30 And there’s our first fart joke.
3:44 I should probably turn this down. I don’t need my neighbors hearing this.
4:30 Oh, hey, look- it’s Jon Voight as a Nazi in East Berlin in 1962.
7:04 For some reason, the Nazis are working with the Soviets (or so it seems). Superbabies 2 is historically inaccurate.
8:15 So, yeah, a badass baby called “The Big Kahuna” just drank some neon green juice out of a baby bottle. The juice gave him the superhuman ability to use bad special effects and Three Stooges-style fighting skills to whip Soviet ass. Or Nazi ass. Or… shit, I don’t know.
12:16 Scott Baio and Jon Voight are on screen at the same time. I believe this is the first sign of the apocalypse.
13: 45 I have an hour longer of nauseatingly “cute” baby shots, moving their mouths and stuff, with crap dubbed over it. Time to get another Left Hand Milk Stout.
15:35 These babies know way too much about Nazis.
18:20 Let no man say that I have never seen a baby crawling on a ceiling or beating up a Nazi’s flunkies.
18:28 That flunkie chick has a really nice ass.
20:50 One of the babies just made a joke about Mike Tyson biting ears off. Didn’t that shit happen in the 90’s, before this kid was even a zygote?
21:20 That Rosita baby is kind of acting slutty for a baby
22:16 Hello, end of the 1st act. Hello, macguffin. The babies and the babysitter now have a CD that’s somehow worth $60M.
23:35 I wonder how this compares to the first “Baby Geniuses”
24:14 How the hell is the Big Kahuna the same age now as he was in 1962?
24:48 I think that kid just used Force Lightning
28:11 They just went to Hollywood. Why? NO FREAKIN’ CLUE
31:22 How the hell does that babysitter know what these babies are saying? Time to re-fill my beer.
33:39 Oh good. I wondered when they’d get around to the origin story. Three of them are just like Wizard of Oz characters- one has courage, one has a brain, one has a heart.
36:00 The Big Kahuna has an employee and is in clear violation of child labor laws. Also, he’s friends with Whoopi Goldberg and some boy band.
42:28 The Big Kahuna’s employee is from a Russian orphanage. And speaks perfect english.
43:10 They just added the Peter Pan mythos to the Wizard of Oz mythos that they already introduced
45:00 Oh shit! Voight and the Big Kahuna are brothers! But no verification yet.
48:14 So I guess The Big Kahuna has used P.E.D.’s, like some infantile version of Barry Bonds
50:28 I think they just made a boner joke. And the babies taught the babysitter how to turn on the guy who got the boner.
55:54 What the fuck am I doing with my life?
59:00 Hello, 3rd act. Hello, “Believe in yourself” message.
1:01:53 Danté wrote about a special ring of hell for people who starred in this movie
Voight: Lots of people talked about world domination. Caesar, Napoléon…
Henchman: …Darth Vader
1:11:20 With 15 minutes to go, the babies (other than The Big Kahuna) finally have their superpowers.
1:12:34 Voight: “Oh no! Zis is ze vurst news yet! Zey are only babies!”
1:16:08 Finally, we get the reveal. The Big Kahuna and Nazi Jon Voight are brothers. Scott Baio is there again.
1:18:23 Voight just took a “ball bashing” from a baby. The babies actually said “ball bashing”.
1: 19:14 Charles is in Charge of these nuts, bitch!
1:20:50 That little kid just quoted Casablanca. Seriously.
1:23:52 You know what? It was still better than Crash.