Seven Things I’ve Learned from Ralph Wiggum

1. Use bad grammar? That’s unpossible!
I’m far from the grammar police. I don’t judge others openly if they use bad grammar. But using good grammar is such an easy thing to do in life that I make it a point to be reasonable about it. Obviously, there is a lot of room to grow in my own writing. And so every day, I try to improve my editorial skills just a little bit. Because me fail English? That’s unpossible.


2. If your doctor says “Keep your finger out of there”, they mean it. Gratuitously sticking your fingers in your various orifices is an invitation to trouble. In  the very least, be clean about it so you can avoid illness. After all, when the doctor tells you that you don’t have worms anymore, it’ll be the happiest day of your life.


3. When conversations turn in a direction where you’ll appear uneducated, change the topic.
This might otherwise be known as the “Mittens Theorem of Social Interaction”. Ralph popularized this theory by famously uttering “My cat’s name is Mittens” when challenged with something his brain couldn’t handle. Here’s how it might work in everyday interaction:

Co-worker: I find the work of Ezra Pound to be derivative of Walt Whitman.
My reply: Me too. Oh, hey! I re-watched Plan 9 From Outer Space last night. The actress in there has HUGE boobs!


4. Protect your proverbial wookie.

Don't let this tragedy happen to you.

Whatever it is that you hold most dear, protect it with your life. Seeing your proverbial wookie getting bent is a depressing experience.


5. Never give up on your dreams, because that’s where you get to be a viking.
What’s especially great about this one is that Ralph says it AFTER he’s failed colossally in the classroom. He loses his worm (because it went in his mouth and he ate it), so Miss Hoover instructs him to “try to sleep while the other kids are learning”. But in the end, Ralph wins because he has his dreams and he gets to be a Norse conqueror… while everyone else is stuck doing boring crap like dissecting worms. Besides, there’s lots of time for learning later on. Because…


6. When you grow up, be sure to get a college degree, even if it’s from Bovine University.
In the current economy, a lot of pundits are saying that high school grads are better off saving their money and entering the workforce. That might be true in terms of fiscal health, but it ignores the inherent value that a college education provides. Higher education embiggens even the smallest man.


7. Stay out of the deep end of the sandbox at work, or leprechauns will tell you to burn things.
Most people have jobs that can be cut-throat in nature. The deeper into your job that you get, the more likely you’re going to have a direct report telling you that you should fire someone, cut some sort of program, cut funding, or any other number of undesirable things.

Ignore this leprechaun's advice, or just avoid the deep end of the sandbox altogether.


Filed under Humor, TV Shows

10 responses to “Seven Things I’ve Learned from Ralph Wiggum

  1. Kelly

    I’m almost positive the quote is, “My cat’s breath smells like cat food.” It’s one of my favorite quotes from the entire series, next to, “Mmmm… purple.”

    • Believe it or not, I think he said both. I was trying really hard to squish them both into the same episode, but I think they happened in separate episodes. Or at least, that’s how it looked from my “research” (by which I mean, random googling of “Ralph Wiggum quotes”).

  2. fuzzywuzzy

    I’ve learned that video games and education do go together…”Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!”

  3. “I like men now.”

    Uh, don’t know where I was going with that quote.

  4. Stu

    You should do a follow-up list of things learned from Chief Wiggum.

  5. Pingback: Reading Digest: Excellently Unorthodox Usage Edition « Dead Homer Society

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  7. Daniel J. Max

    Reblogged this on Life As Is.

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