Nicolas Cage’s latest movie, Season of the Witch, hit theaters this week. It was greeted by a resounding critical response. That response? “This is a humongous pile of feces”.
In the interest of full disclosure here, I haven’t seen the movie. I might not ever see the movie. For all I know, it might actually be a decent movie. But, boy howdy… the critics sure don’t think so. As of right now, it’s coming in at 1% on Rotten Tomatoes. That means that 1 out of every 100 reviewers gave it a positive review, while the other 99 folks called it a stinker. Even the one positive review wasn’t particularly kind to it. Here’s what Tom Huddleston of Time Out said. Keep in mind, this is the positive review:
It’s creaky, predictable and frequently idiotic. But for a tipsy Saturday night, this should tick all the right boxes.
“Creaky, predictable, and frequently idiotic”. With friends like this, right Nic? Just how bad is a 1% on Rotten Tomatoes? What kind of company is this movie keeping in the RT slums? Here’s a list of some notoriously craptastic movies and how they’ve fared on Rotten Tomatoes:
Glen or Glenda, 32%
If you’ve ever seen Tim Burton’s biopic about Ed Wood, you recognize this film as Ed Wood’s love letter to cross dressing and angora sweaters. This mash-up of clips does it justice. And 31 out of 100 critics would rather watch this than Season of the Witch.
From Justin to Kelly, 8%
It’s a blowout in favor of a movie that prominently features two stars of American Idol. The tagline is “The Tale of Two American Idols”. The IMDB plot summary:
A lonely, sexually repressed man. A depressed woman. A summer camp. On this fateful night, they will meet… and their hearts will become one.
And it has eight times the approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes of Season of the Witch.
There are no words to express how horrible Gigli was. It features dialogue like this:
Brian: She’s like the ones at the Baywatch. They make my penis sneeze.
Larry Gigli: You got a good sense of humor, you know that?
Brian: God bless you.
Larry Gigli: Thank you.
Brian: No, not you, stupid. When my penis sneezes, I say, ‘God bless you’… God bless you, penis.
And this, from J-Lo:
In traditional Tai Moi Chai, there are five levels of digital orb extrusion.
I’m not even going to quote J-Lo’s insanely long monologue about the vagina. But it’s in there. And six- SIX- more critics out of every 100 would rather watch Gigli than Season of the Witch.
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, 0%
This is more a case of guilt by association. Out of 100 critics, only one more would rather watch Season of the Witch. How bad do you have to be that you’re within 1% on Rotten Tomatoes of Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2?
The Hottie and the Nottie, 5%
A Paris Hilton movie. The trailer speaks for itself.
Matt LeBlanc teams up with a monkey who plays baseball. Chicanery ensues. I’ve come out many times with a pro-movie monkey stance but this is something that I simply can not and will not get behind. Season of the Witch is faring 1% better. In other words, critics would probably compare these two movies to the choice between a kick in the testicles or a punch in the face.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, 25%
Admittedly, I think there are some hipster highjinx afoot. Most positive reviews are apologetic and profess love out of pure irony. All the same, sometimes it’s perfectly ok to be bad as long as you’re bad enough that people laugh. And in this case, the holiday turkey is 25 times more successful with the critics at eliciting a smile- even an ironic one- than Nic Cage’s latest.
How bad is Glitter? I had a running joke with a friend of mine for a year or two. Whenever he left his Netflix queue unattended, I put Glitter at the top and waited for it to arrive at his doorstep. More often than not, he was all over it. But one glorious time, it worked. In other words, when I thought to myself “What’s the most awful movie that I could have sent to his home?”, the answer without much hesitation was Glitter. Starring Mariah Carey. And it sort of walloped Season of the Witch amongst critics.