Film History Wherein the Soviets Win in “Red Dawn”

Imagine, if you will, that Patrick Swayze, Lea Thompson, and C. Thomas Howell had been unable to fight off the Soviet Union in Red Dawn. How would film history since 1984 be different? Let’s employ the help of a guest writer, Igor Snovikov, to fill us in on what we missed.

Igor: Spasibo. I begin movie tale in 1985. American dogs Dan Akroyd and Chevy Chase are hanged for making swine propaganda, Spies Like Us. New America is saved from Blues Brothers 2000, Funny Farm, and Man of House.

In 1986, aspiring filmmaker change name to Olegver Stonolev and begin production on classic tale, Red Square. It is notable for performance by Mikhail Douglanov and features famous quote, “Devotion to government imperative on economy is good”. This launched Stonolev’s career through many political biopic, including controversial V.I.L. about keeping Lenin-era records shut from public. Is better for people that way that they don’t know.

In 1989, film world is taken by storm with Driving Miss Dubravka where widow of Politburo member is helped by wise elderly Hungarian.

Ees best film of 1994. You will see and agree or you will pay.

Best film of 1994 was Fyodor Gumpyevich. Lovable oaf finds self in zany situations involving many Fearless Leaders of history like Kruschev, Gorbachev, and Castro. Some critics call this film a real moose and squirrel operation. They are hanged for their insolence.

1990’s also notable for rise of young star, Bradja Pittshenko. Rise to stardom becomes complete for Pittshenko in 1999 with KGB Fight Club, powerful but humorous tale about KGB agents pummeling writers who exercise freedom of press. Most recent work for Pittshenko include Burn Before Reading.

2001 give us famous comedy/drama, The Royal Romanovs. Is Igor Snovikov’s favorite film of last twenty years. Eccentric Tsar works hard to get back into good graces of family. But in end, he and family are murdered in bloody revolution that ends autocracy. Is feel-good story, clears path for demolition of private property.

In 2004, on twentieth anniversary of glorious victory over Patrick Swayze, American Film Institute (chaired by Yakov Smirnoff) creates AFI Top 100. List is topped by Andrei Rublev, Battleship Potemkin, and remake of Fox and the Hound. Here is famous sequence from animation.

Has been good 26 years for Igor and for movies.


5 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

5 responses to “Film History Wherein the Soviets Win in “Red Dawn”

  1. This is absurd!

    Wolverines!!!!!!

  2. Driving Miss Dubravka. Hilarious.

  3. Life is like loaf of bread. Always know exactly what one get. (We just have to stand in line for hours to get it.)

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