I recently found out about the wonderful world of text-to-speech synthesizers. They have very real value to the visually impaired. They also have very real value to people who want to laugh at how these things sound saying abnormal things. For instance… these are right from the screenplay for The Big Lebowski; click on the links to hear the scene play out. Hopefully the links stay active.
Side note: The text to speech reader I’ve used is Expressivo, and they encourage people to “Paste [links] to spoken text in email, IM or publish on blog”. I sort of doubt this is what they had in mind. If I’m in some sort of copyright violation, I’m glad to take this down.
The two Treehorn thugs, including Woo, have entered the Dude’s home.
You see what happens? You see what happens, Lebowski? The Dude puts on his dripping sunglasses. DUDE Look, nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man. BLOND MAN Your name is Lebowski. Your wife is Bunny. DUDE Bunny? Look, moron. He holds up his hands. DUDE You see a wedding ring? Does this place look like I'm fucking married? The toilet seat's up! The blond man stoops to unzip the satchel. He pulls out a bowling ball and examines it in the manner of a superstitious native. BLOND MAN The fuck is this? The Dude pats at his pockets, takes out a joint and lights it. DUDE Obviously you're not a golfer.
And now, the Dude is being led away from Lebowski Mansion by Brandt.
DUDE You're Bunny? BUNNY I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars. Brandt releases a gale of forced laughter: BRANDT Ha-ha-ha-ha! Wonderful woman. Very free-spirited. We're all very fond of her. BUNNY Brandt can't watch though. Or he has to pay a hundred. BRANDT Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That's marvelous. He continues to lead away the Dude, who looks back over his SHOULDER: DUDE I'm just gonna find a cash machine.
At the bowling alley…
QUINTANA I see you rolled your way into the semis. Deos mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up. DUDE Yeah well, that's just, ya know, like, your opinion, man. Quintana looks at Walter. QUINTANA Let me tell you something, bendeco. You pull any your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you and stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger til it goes "click". DUDE Jesus. QUINTANA You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus. Jesus walks away. Walter nods sadly. WALTER Eight-year-olds, Dude.
Maude shows Logjammin’ to The Dude.
DIETER Hello. Nein dizbatcher says zere iss problem mit deine kable. DUDE Shit, I know that guy. He's a nihilist. MAUDE And you recognize her, of course. The girl answering the door is Bunny Lebowski. BUNNY The TV is in here. DIETER Ya, okay, I bring mein toolz. BUNNY This is my friend Shari. She just came over to use the shower. MAUDE (grimly) The story is ludicrous. DIETER Mein nommen iss Karl. Is hard to verk in zese clozes-- Maude switches off the set. MAUDE Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here. DUDE He fixes the cable?
DUDE Yeah man. Well, you know, the Dude abides. Gazing after him, The Stranger drawls, savoring the words: THE STRANGER The Dude abides. He gives his head a shake of appreciation, then looks into the camera. THE STRANGER I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there, the Dude, takin' her easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes The finals. Welp, that about does her, wraps her all up. Things seem to've worked out pretty good for the Dude'n Walter, and it was a purt good story, dontcha think? Made me laugh to beat the band.