Lessons I’ve Learned from Holiday Specials

It’s the holiday season, and the onslaught of holiday specials has started. Where would we be without holiday specials? They teach us the meaning of the season, encourage us to spend lots of money on loved ones, and give us a love of egg nog (so long as you dope it with whiskey). And sometimes, they teach us even more. Here are some things I’ve learned from holiday specials over the years.

You’d better shine bright at your job, or else you’re going to spend your time at work brown nosing or getting whipped by your boss.
Every single reindeer that didn’t have a shiny nose spent their workday with their nose buried in their co-worker’s butt cheeks. And those in the back were well within whipping range for their oppressive tyrant master, Santa Claus.

It’s not the size of the tree, you blockhead. It’s how much love you give it.
Straight from Linus and Lucy’s mouths. Interpret however you choose.

You’re boring. And you look like former St. Louis Cardinals’ SS David Eckstein.

 

Dentists are amazingly boring people.
Admittedly, I don’t have much proof of this in the real world. I’ve only known one dentist, and he was a dental student when I knew him. But think about the interesting cast of characters in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. There was Santa Claus, a crazy abominable snow monster, a reclusive hermit named Cornelius, a whole host of creepy but nice misfit toys… and an elf who wanted to be a dentist. Seriously, Hermey?

If you spend your Christmas in a Santa suit that doesn’t have any pants, you’re going to wind up doing a whole lot of community service.
Even when I was really small, I wondered why the Grinch made his Santa suit without any pants. The Grinch’s plot was nefarious enough without showing us his junk. But, look at how it turned out for him- he had to spend his Christmas serving the Whoville community. And while we’re on the topic of the Grinch…

Too much roast beast is bad for your heart.
It’s a really good lesson to remember with all of the sweets and holiday treats sitting around. Having your heart grow three times has to be some sort of serious health risk.

Keep your pants on and lay off the roast beast.

Be good… for goodness’ sake.
I really can’t say it any better than Jasmine Dubois.

You can be mean and ornery enough to stare down the Nazis, but eventually your ghosts will catch up to you.
Every generation has their own special Ebeneezer Scrooge. It can be anyone from Alistair Sim to Patrick Stewart. For me, it was George C. Scott. And Scott’s best role was as General George S. Patton. As Patton, he was a blunt instrument used to defeat the Nazis. But later, his ghosts caught up with him and reduced him to tears. IT’S NOT TOO LATE, PATTON! BUY THE GOOSE!

There’s a right time and a wrong time to drop an F bomb.
You know the bit. In A Christmas Story, Ralphie has an accident helping his pops change out a tire and the slow motion kicks in. “Ooooooohhhhhh Fuuuuuuuudge”. The lesson isn’t that swearing is wrong, or that dropping an F bomb is wrong. It’s that you have to know when it’s acceptable to drop an F bomb. As an adult, fixing a horrible furnace? Perfectly acceptable time. As a child, lamenting an accident in front of your father? Not so much.

The degenerate gambler’s best friend

Dogs are cool enough that they can successfully cover for degenerate gamblers who ruin Christmas.
It’s seriously a testament to how awesome dogs are that you could conceivably ruin your entire family’s Christmas by gambling- like Homer did in the first Simpsons Christmas episode- then buy a dog, and all will be forgiven.




16 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies, TV Shows

16 responses to “Lessons I’ve Learned from Holiday Specials

  1. Dude

    Oh my god. That has to be the best post you have ever written. No joke. I laughed at least four times out loud at work, and luckily swallowed my coffee before I spit it on the computer. You’re the man droid, you are the man. If imdb doesn’t pick up on this, they are seriously missing out.

  2. The guy who met Kevin Meany

    Regarding: Too much roast beast is bad for your heart.
    You haven’t gone vegetarian have you?

  3. While a semi-nude Grinch is disturbing, I think you need to remember that it was very popular in those days for animated characters to go pants-less (think Donald Duck and Winnie the Pooh).

    By the way, that elf does look exactly like David Eckstein.

  4. Don

    Wow, Christmas tree as falic symbol…I never made the connection. I think you’re sick…a little.

  5. Kelly

    The first one is right on the nose, no pun intended.

  6. rtm

    Dude, you’re on a roll man… how many times you’ve been on IMDb hit list in the last month? 😀 Fun post, John. Hope you’re enjoying your thanksgiving!

    • Third time this month, sixth since October 1. And each time, I’m flattered that they’d even consider my entries. I guess this Thanksgiving, I’m thankful that lurid Charlie Brown references and stick figures are deemed Hit List worthy.

    • Kelly

      I’ve noticed that, too. That’s why I decided to subscribe.

  7. Oh come on, you’re obviously just jealous. Hermey is H-O-T! 😉

  8. Pingback: More Great Moments in Movie History, Using Stick Figures |

  9. Pingback: 100 Things I Love About Holiday Movies (and TV) |

  10. Pingback: Full Meta Jacket: Facts and Figures on TDYLF’s First Birthday |

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