It’s the holiday season, and the onslaught of holiday specials has started. Where would we be without holiday specials? They teach us the meaning of the season, encourage us to spend lots of money on loved ones, and give us a love of egg nog (so long as you dope it with whiskey). And sometimes, they teach us even more. Here are some things I’ve learned from holiday specials over the years.
You’d better shine bright at your job, or else you’re going to spend your time at work brown nosing or getting whipped by your boss.
Every single reindeer that didn’t have a shiny nose spent their workday with their nose buried in their co-worker’s butt cheeks. And those in the back were well within whipping range for their oppressive tyrant master, Santa Claus.
It’s not the size of the tree, you blockhead. It’s how much love you give it.
Straight from Linus and Lucy’s mouths. Interpret however you choose.
Dentists are amazingly boring people.
Admittedly, I don’t have much proof of this in the real world. I’ve only known one dentist, and he was a dental student when I knew him. But think about the interesting cast of characters in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. There was Santa Claus, a crazy abominable snow monster, a reclusive hermit named Cornelius, a whole host of creepy but nice misfit toys… and an elf who wanted to be a dentist. Seriously, Hermey?
If you spend your Christmas in a Santa suit that doesn’t have any pants, you’re going to wind up doing a whole lot of community service.
Even when I was really small, I wondered why the Grinch made his Santa suit without any pants. The Grinch’s plot was nefarious enough without showing us his junk. But, look at how it turned out for him- he had to spend his Christmas serving the Whoville community. And while we’re on the topic of the Grinch…
Too much roast beast is bad for your heart.
It’s a really good lesson to remember with all of the sweets and holiday treats sitting around. Having your heart grow three times has to be some sort of serious health risk.
Be good… for goodness’ sake.
I really can’t say it any better than Jasmine Dubois.
You can be mean and ornery enough to stare down the Nazis, but eventually your ghosts will catch up to you.
Every generation has their own special Ebeneezer Scrooge. It can be anyone from Alistair Sim to Patrick Stewart. For me, it was George C. Scott. And Scott’s best role was as General George S. Patton. As Patton, he was a blunt instrument used to defeat the Nazis. But later, his ghosts caught up with him and reduced him to tears. IT’S NOT TOO LATE, PATTON! BUY THE GOOSE!
There’s a right time and a wrong time to drop an F bomb.
You know the bit. In A Christmas Story, Ralphie has an accident helping his pops change out a tire and the slow motion kicks in. “Ooooooohhhhhh Fuuuuuuuudge”. The lesson isn’t that swearing is wrong, or that dropping an F bomb is wrong. It’s that you have to know when it’s acceptable to drop an F bomb. As an adult, fixing a horrible furnace? Perfectly acceptable time. As a child, lamenting an accident in front of your father? Not so much.
Dogs are cool enough that they can successfully cover for degenerate gamblers who ruin Christmas.
It’s seriously a testament to how awesome dogs are that you could conceivably ruin your entire family’s Christmas by gambling- like Homer did in the first Simpsons Christmas episode- then buy a dog, and all will be forgiven.