National Pornographic: Serious Film Reviews of 70′s Pornography

A few years ago, a friend of mine (who I referenced in a previous entry as the guy who met Kevin Meany) had me dying of laughter in an e-mail exchange. He was writing serious film reviews of pornographic movies. To this day, it’s one of the funniest things any of my friends has ever done. Little did he know that I’d hold on to the exchange. And now, for all to see, here are three serious film reviews of 1970’s pornographic films. Enjoy!

Debbie Does Dallas

Debbie Does Dallas is a groundbreaking film which dealt with important human issues ranging from economic hardships, peer pressure, hero-worship of sports figures, the corruption of innocence, temptation by way of jailbait, and corporal punishment in public schools.   It also explores taboo social relationships such as open marriage, sex with minors, prostitution, and group sex.  From a Biblical perspective, anal sex (which is present in this historical masterpiece) is considered to be Sodomy.

It also is set in a time (late 1970s) before our obsession with body image.  Nobody had a boob job, shaved pubes, or all-over tans.  Interestingly, none of it occurs in Dallas.  Nor does anybody actually “do” Dallas.  That actually happened in Part 2.

Mr. Bradley, the guy who got his “car washed” by the two chicks was always my favorite character.  Mr. Bradley is a multi-faceted character who struggles with moral issues ranging from statutory rape to sex outside of marriage.  Did he overpay for the car wash? I guess that comes down to the whole supply and demand economic aspect.  $10 to see two naked teenagers in his living room, $25 dollars to “kiss them all over” and I don’t care what it costs for anal.  By today’s standards that is quite a bargain.


The appeal of this controversial, yet ground-breaking masterpiece is broad despite the themes of incest. While I think the Oedipal concept of sleeping with one’s own mother makes most people queasy just thinking about it, the true appeal is not the actual mother-son relationship but the idea of a socially inappropriate relationship that appeals to most people’s rebellious side.  It is a deviation from norm.  I think the appeal of “taboo” relationships carried out in real life can manifest itself by way of physically inappropriate examples ranging from the older and experienced woman, the underaged jailbait, the Walk-in Fridge, the midget, to inappropriate (within the context of personal relationships) examples, like trying to have sex with your friends’ sisters, or cheating on your significant other, or having relations with a significant others friend, etc.   The former type of “taboo” relationship is usually controlled by sobriety, while the latter is controlled by one’s own morals.  So, hopefully, this explains why the best selling porn of all time is about sleeping with your mom.

Nightshift Nurses

Nightshift Nurses tackles the healthcare issues that Michael Moore’s Sicko wouldn’t dare.  Medical ethics of nurses taking advantage of patients, doctors giving questionnable and unorthodox medical advice, indecent exposure of hospital employees and use of hospital rooms when a large portion of Americans cannot afford healthcare.  Nightshift Nurses doesn’t just explore the shortcomings of the healthcare system in America; it takes on the racial stereotypes of African Americans in janitorial roles and also the effects of a bi-racial relationship that Spike Lee’s Jungle Fever couldn’t touch. The subject of America’s shortcomings in mental health are present with the plight of a mentally disturbed patient (the man who wrestles with himself).  Finally, this cinematic masterpiece explores the world of secret societies of nuns who give “last request” BJs to dying patients.  The DaVinci Code merely implied the existence of such groups.  Hospice can’t compete with these nuns.

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Filed under Humor, Movies

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