Ranking the Colleges, Movie-Style

Choosing the correct place of higher learning can be stressful for a drunk, horny 17 year old. Fortunately, there are many choices out there in Movieland. How do they compare?

Grand Lakes University, Back to School

Is there anything else I can do for an A?

Strengths:

  • Some faculty members will have sex with you, particularly if you’re a proprietor of  a clothing store
  • Strong swimming and diving team
  • Alumni are not afraid to donate to the University
  • Weaknesses:

    • Some professors’ zeal for History may be intimidating
    • Academic standards are low enough that you can buy your way into the University regardless of prior academic standing

    Final Grade: B-

    Faber College, Animal House
    Strengths:

    • Incredibly strong social life
    • Slogan, “Knowledge is Good”, sets bar so low that one can’t help but pass
    • Dean’s wife is a slut
    • Alumni connections include everything from doctors (OB/GYN) to Senators and everything in-between
    • Faculty may smoke weed with you

    Weaknesses:

    • The Dean is a huge dick
    • Overzealous ROTC students are also huge dicks
    • Degree is somewhat meaningless in the post-college world due to low standards

    Final Grade: A-

    Eastern State University, The Program

    Keep your dumb drunk ass out of the road, son.

    Strengths:

    • Decent football program with conference championship expectations and Heisman-quality players
    • Halle Berry

    Weaknesses:

    • In the parlance of The Simpsons, it’s clearly a drunken jockocracy.
    • The football program is dirty, and the basketball program probably sucks as well.

    Final Grade: D-

    Adams College, Revenge of the Nerds

    Tooootally illegal right here.


    Strengths:

    • A culturally diverse student population that includes both nerds AND jocks
    • The most challenging institution on the list, as it accepts nerds

    Weaknesses:

    • Campus security is frighteningly lax, as proven by locker room break-ins for the linament/jockstrap treatment
    • Sexual Harassment policies on campus are also frighteningly lax. Severe punishment should be meted out for illegally attained topless photos of co-eds

    Final Grade: C+

    South Harmon Institute of Technology, Accepted

    You're great, Lewis, but you aren't nearly enough to get my tuition dollars

    Strengths:

    • Lewis Black is the Dean

    Weaknesses:

    • It’s really not that funny of a movie
    • Jonah Hill
    • Everything else

    Final Grade: F

    Huxley University, Horsefeathers
    Strengths:

    Weaknesses:

    • The co-eds were quite conniving (though in their defense, it helps to keep the plot moving forward)
    • Less boobs in the 1930’s

    Final Grade: B

    Harrison University, Old School

    Keep it in your pants, Frank

    Strengths:

    • Excellent social life
    • Campus connections include that guy who hilariously does the obscene version of Bonnie Tyler’s “Turn Around”

    Weaknesses:

    • Too many old guys on campus, even with Blue’s death
    • Dean isn’t just an asshole; he’s a clichéd asshole
    • Will Ferrell’s dong, while amusing, is not something I need to see sprinting through the streets

    Final Grade: C-





    6 Comments

    Filed under Humor, Movies

    6 responses to “Ranking the Colleges, Movie-Style

    1. Haha nice. This would be a tough decision, as it would probably come down to Faber and Harrison for me. Do I choose a toga party with Otis Day and the Knights….or some late-night streaking with Frank the Tank? You really couldn’t go wrong either way.

    2. I’d go anywhere that Lewis Black was the dean. Just sayin’… 😉

      • The perfect scenario would be to combine Dean Lewis Black with Faber College. Sure, you’d lose the best college antagonist in movie history, but I’m sure Lewis Black’s funny would more than fill the gap.

    3. Tommy Boy

      I think you have completely missed the point of each of these movies. Not to mention, they can’t be compared side by side. The Program vs Old School? The Progam wins? Good effort.

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