These days of Jersey Shore are starting to make me nostalgic for the halcyon days of non-jackass Jersey residents. Specifically, The Sopranos. We’re a few years out now since “Made in America” left TV audiences everywhere wanting to whack David Chase (not me, mind you, but I’m the minority). So what ever happened to some of our favorite Sopranos characters?
Everyone’s favorite parody of George W. Bush, having lost out in a power struggle for the New York crew, changed his name to Carmine Lingus and began a career directing pornographic movies.
Distraught over the death of her husband Christopher, and needing to provide for their child, Kelli hatched a scheme to travel back in time, attain a job working in market research on Madison Avenue in the 60’s, and make lots and lots of money. Seriously, can you believe that this actress- Cara Buono– is the same one from the most recent season of Mad Men? I can’t.
Paulie “Walnuts” Gualtieri
Having just barely survived a close scare that saw the majority of his associates “go into the witness protection program”, Paulie abandoned his post. He is now pursuing his true passion- owning a manicure shop.
The Soprano prince is putting his restaurant business experience to use, working as the day manager of Holsten’s Ice Cream Parlor, home of the best onion rings in Jersey. Psychologically, he spends each day reliving that magical meal he once had with his parents, Journey songs skipping around his head, frantically wondering just what the hell happened that day. Let us know, A.J. Let us know.
Carlo Gervasi was last seen squealing to the feds. He is now in witness protection. He lives in Omaha, Nebraska under the name “Carl O’Gervasi”, and operates an authentic “Irish” butcher shop.
Everyone’s favorite mob widow is working hard to make good on her husband’s bad name. She has continued to extend her realm of influence and is now a Capo in the Jersey crew.
Is still fish food.
Artie reconciled with Charmaine temporarily before old troubles flared back up. They finally divorced; Charmaine was awarded Vesuvio. However, Artie rebounded nicely and now has his own cooking show, The Cooking Consigliere, on Jersey Public Access TV.
Jim “Johnny Cakes” Witkowski
Still rescues kitties from trees, still puts out fires, and pines for portly men to take up his time.
Valery the Russian
Last seen getting shot in the head in the Pine Barrens, Valery finally surfaced. Needing to find a way to stay in America, he got a sex change operation, became a Russian Mail Order bride, and is now working for Czechoslovokian interior decorators as penance for his sins.
Tony finished his onion rings, went home, took a nap, and resumed operations the next day. His day started off with coffee, orange juice, and… who the hell am I kidding. HE DIED, OK?!?! IT COULD NOT BE MORE OBVIOUS.