Seven TV Characters I Wish Dexter Morgan Would Murder

We all revel in Dexter Morgan’s role as “The Dark Defender”, hunting down criminals and turning them into human tossed salad. Unfortunately, in Dexter’s world, we only get to see him hack up people in fictional Miami. There are other people in fictional TV World that also deserve to meet their maker at the hands of a gay funeral director-turned-serial killer. Here are seven candidates.

Lila kind of made him look like an angry gorilla on LSD. And for that, she should die. Oh wait...

1. Janice Soprano
First of all, she was the most annoying TV show character ever. Ever. For ever and ever and ever until the end of time. She deserved to die. When everyone else was bellyaching about the end of The Sopranos because of the ambiguity, I was bellyaching because Janice didn’t die. More importantly, she also met Dexter’s code. After all, she ghoulishly tortured Bobby Bacala’s kids following their mother’s death, and she never paid for her crime of letting us see her getting bent over by Richie Aprile (and also the lesser crime of murdering Richie).

2. Herbert the Pedophile
The guy plagues Quahog, Rhode Island, constantly chasing down cartoon children to do God knows what with them after feeding them Zima Soup. In short, he also fits The Code.

3. Bill Compton
The “sultry” southern accent that breathily whispers crap like “Sookie, you complete me” (or whatever) borders on comical and caricature. His character does stupid things, and- again- he has murdered many a human while paying nary a price. Go get ’em, Dex.

4. Ted Beneke
Who the hell sleeps with a cancer patient’s wife? While he doesn’t fit The Code, exactly, his sexual escapades with Skylar White while Walt is in recovery… well, Ted, you can forget about replacing that plant in your office.

5. Debra Morgan
Oh, come on. You know you thought the same thing. She’s about 1/5th of Janice Soprano on the Annoy-o-meter but that’s still five times worse than anyone else in TV Land. Sorry, Deb. Dex has to do what his brother couldn’t.

6. Towelie
Hahahaha! Oh, I get it! You like to get high! That’s hilarious!*
*for the record here, I realize that the South Park guys created him to basically say the same thing

7. Jack Shephard
Overbearing, self-righteous, he always had to be right… Lost would’ve been a far better show without much of his nonsense after the first season or two.

The final hit list for Dexter:

Other Television-related fun from The Droid You’re Looking For:
• Eight Movies That Would be Better with Futurama Characters
• Seven Things I Learned from The Muppets
• Tale of the Tape: Breaking Bad v. Mad Men


Filed under Humor, TV Shows

39 responses to “Seven TV Characters I Wish Dexter Morgan Would Murder

  1. iamcart

    LOVE IT. But Deb Morgan should be moved up to number 1! And you forget to mention Jack’s mouth breathing — GOD blow your nose already!

    Has Marty told you that, literally, every single time herbert makes an appearance in any f.guy episode i have to go on a rampage about how much i hate him?? great job having him on the list.

    poor towelie.

  2. iamcart

    oh, and why is the ENTIRE cast of jersey shore/kendra and keeping up w/kardashians missing from the list???

  3. jrr

    please, expand the list with Susan Mayer from Desperate housewives!!!

  4. oscar

    not watched all of these shows but agree with 3, 5 and 6…i also want alvie from house on this list worst of all imo…adhd rapper-wannabe turd.

  5. Alexa

    Shouldn’t Jack be number one? I don’t know why he is not more universally reviled. A stalker, an emotional abuser (probably an actual abuser), an arrogant, annoying prick. He is also one who betrayed his oath as a doctor. What the misogynist writers did to manipulate Kate’s character in response to him is revolting enough on its own to put him in Dexter’s sights.

    • Paul

      I totally agree with you! Worst “hero” of television history. He was just totally unlikable, ugh. Sadly it turned out that Lost was a show where only Jack mattered, the most undeserving one became a god-like figure. The moral message of Lost is so fucked up.

  6. Player2

    Deb is NOT annoying!!!! She’s wonderful!!!!

    • Anuj

      Totally agree. I always wanted to see Rita get bumped off though, but I admit, it was kinda sad when it did happen.

    • Georgette Darcy

      I agree completely–she is wonderful. She doesn’t belong on this list at all.

      • For what it’s worth, I included her because:

        a) the surprise, because you’re expecting other show’s TV characters, and then you get… Dexter’s sister

        b) most of the reason she annoyed me, almost exclusively, came in the first season, and old habits die hard. I really haven’t minded her since the first or second season.

  7. How about Gretchin from Prison Break? What a nasty bitch.

  8. Autumn

    Whatever. I LOVE Bill Compton and Jack Shepherd.

  9. Elizabeth

    No wonder why I don’t watch Network television anymore.

  10. Ben

    Hubert has never officially been identified as a pedophile. They hint that he could be a lot but it never says he is. Thats the reason they keep using him to tick off the fcc but they can’t do anything about it.

  11. Martini

    How bout Jimmy Fallon. Oh wait, you said “Fictional”..

    How bout Jimmy Fallon anyway?

  12. Alex Stockwell

    Actually, I was cheering when Janice killed Richie. He was an unbelievable asshole, and shooting him was the one good thing she did.

  13. Divine Ms.M

    No Fran Drescher from “The Nanny” or Chloe from “24” Really???

  14. Fallulah

    Chloe from 24, Nanny Fine, DEBRA MORGAN?!?!

    Why do you all want to see original, quirky, authentic characters get killed? What is up with that?

  15. josh

    Terrible list. Lost would be a better show without Jack? Not sure which show you were watching.

  16. Samantha

    I know a lot of people may disagree with me, but can we add Rachel from Glee? Girl is insufferable.

  17. Rachel

    It is a bit hard to take criticism of Jack seriously from someone who actually enjoys Dexter. I had no idea such an excellent idea for a show would turn out to be the most boring thing I have ever watched. Although to be fair I have never managed to stay awake all the way through an episode of Dexter, maybe the interesting stuff happens in the end of the episode?

    • Fallulah

      It is a bit hard to take criticism of Dexter seriously from someone who falls asleep during it and thus hasn’t seen it.

      Seriously.. boring? Then you haven’t given the show a fair chance. At all.

  18. Fallulah

    Will Truman. What. an. a-hole. Know-it-all, elitist, meddler, not funny, homophobe (yes.) – the list is endless.

  19. Phillip

    Anybody from Thirtysomething or Moonlighting would do. Throw in the friend from Doogie Howser with the voice that drove a nail through my nerves. And Blossom, of course. Not to mention all from Save From The Bell.

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  21. Cast of Private Practice to GO

    1. Love this article!

    2. Kate Walsh’s character on Private Practice had an affair w/ her PREGNANT patient’s husband

    3. The entire cast of Cougar Town (except the son) – I have never seen a bunch of empty immoral group besides what’s on True Blood and Jackass.

  22. Zafyrfly

    Jenny from the L Word belongs on this list. What a ‘C’ word.

  23. bunny

    You forgot that that annoying,unprofessional tramp on NCIS… That Abby chick… She is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANNOYING!!!!!
    Please,Dex,KILL HER FOR US !!!!

  24. mad sab

    Ally McBeal and the whole cast of Grey’s Anatomy!!!

  25. matt

    Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. He’s funny, but let’s face it, he’s one of the biggest assholes on TV.

  26. Don

    Chris Griffen, Lisa Simpson and the entire cast of Glee.

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