We all revel in Dexter Morgan’s role as “The Dark Defender”, hunting down criminals and turning them into human tossed salad. Unfortunately, in Dexter’s world, we only get to see him hack up people in fictional Miami. There are other people in fictional TV World that also deserve to meet their maker at the hands of a gay funeral director-turned-serial killer. Here are seven candidates.
1. Janice Soprano
First of all, she was the most annoying TV show character ever. Ever. For ever and ever and ever until the end of time. She deserved to die. When everyone else was bellyaching about the end of The Sopranos because of the ambiguity, I was bellyaching because Janice didn’t die. More importantly, she also met Dexter’s code. After all, she ghoulishly tortured Bobby Bacala’s kids following their mother’s death, and she never paid for her crime of letting us see her getting bent over by Richie Aprile (and also the lesser crime of murdering Richie).
2. Herbert the Pedophile
The guy plagues Quahog, Rhode Island, constantly chasing down cartoon children to do God knows what with them after feeding them Zima Soup. In short, he also fits The Code.
3. Bill Compton
The “sultry” southern accent that breathily whispers crap like “Sookie, you complete me” (or whatever) borders on comical and caricature. His character does stupid things, and- again- he has murdered many a human while paying nary a price. Go get ’em, Dex.
4. Ted Beneke
Who the hell sleeps with a cancer patient’s wife? While he doesn’t fit The Code, exactly, his sexual escapades with Skylar White while Walt is in recovery… well, Ted, you can forget about replacing that plant in your office.
5. Debra Morgan
Oh, come on. You know you thought the same thing. She’s about 1/5th of Janice Soprano on the Annoy-o-meter but that’s still five times worse than anyone else in TV Land. Sorry, Deb. Dex has to do what his brother couldn’t.
Hahahaha! Oh, I get it! You like to get high! That’s hilarious!*
*for the record here, I realize that the South Park guys created him to basically say the same thing
7. Jack Shephard
Overbearing, self-righteous, he always had to be right… Lost would’ve been a far better show without much of his nonsense after the first season or two.
The final hit list for Dexter:
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