If MLB Playoff Teams Were Movies

It’s rare, but occasionally my love of baseball and love of movies can meet. With the playoffs about to begin, it led me to think- what movie would best represent each playoff team’s respective season?

Atlanta Braves- Gran Torino

Take these three items: Leo Mazzone, a killer farm system, and a roll of duct tape. Any man worth his salt can fix almost any problem with this stuff alone.

In his final role, we got to see a grumpy old man tug at our heartstrings. Bobby Cox, meet Walt Kowalski. Walt Kowalski, meet Bobby Cox.

San Francisco Giants- American Pie

What are teen comedies all about? Trying to score. And nobody gets to score. Finally at the end, maybe one person gets to score, and that’s that. Also marijuana is involved (I’m looking at you, Tim Lincecum). With the Giants’ incredible pitching staff- Lincecum, Cain, Jonathan Sanchez, Brian Wilson- and wonky offense (other than Posey and the two geriatric fools Huff and Burrell), nobody gets to score. Except at the end.

Cincinnati Reds- The Crying Game
Coming into the season, most projection systems had the Reds around 80 to 85 wins. A lot of folks thought they were a playoff contending darkhorse but most projections thought it’d be another year before they were serious contenders. And then, at the end, we found out the horrible truth. They weren’t an 80-85 win team but rather a playoff team. The Cincinnati Reds are the tranny of Major League Baseball. (Yes, as a matter of fact, I am
a bitter Cardinals fan)

Philadelphia Phillies- Tombstone
A menacing crew heads for a showdown bolstered by the venerable Doc Holliday. Only ’round these here parts, it’s pronounced Doc Halladay.

New York Yankees- Wall Street
A spoiled, unlikeable band of greedy jackasses seeks the brass ring, squashing anyone and everyone in their way. I’m not even sure I feel the need to explain this one.

Minnesota Twins– A Serious Man
The Coen Brothers’ film took place in a Twin Cities suburb and focused on a man who was academically successful but never got the credit he was due, and it ultimately turned out bad for him.

Tampa Bay Rays– Lord of the Rings
Only by climbing the fiery terrain of Mount Doom can this quartet of scrappy hobbits- Carl Crawford, Evan Longoria, BJ Upton, and David Price- overcome the evil Sauron.

Texas Rangers- Drugstore Cowboy
It’s all about Matt Dillon’s character arc from drug addict to recovering drug addict. Throw in Josh Hamilton’s well-known story of recovery, Ron Washington’s positive cocaine test in 2009 (and subsequent recovery), add the word “Cowboy” just to line it up better with the state of Texas, and voila.

2 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies, Uncategorized

2 responses to “If MLB Playoff Teams Were Movies

  1. Pingback: Hooray, Hoorah, a List for ol’ Mizzou «

  2. Pingback: Pitchers and Catchers Report (to My List of Best Movie Pitchers and Catchers) |

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