There’s nothing like a big slice of late 70’s and early 80’s childhood nostalgia. There were a lot of shows that held my interest when I was a wee lad. I loved Scooby Doo. Heck, Daphne was my definition of the ideal woman when I was 5 years old. The Smurfs were somehow interesting to me, a fact that embarrasses me now. The Dukes of Hazard was great because I lived in South Carolina when it was on. As near as I could tell at the time, it was a documentary. But no show from that era taught me more that would equip me to deal with adulthood than The Muppet Show. It’s time to play the music. It’s time to light the lights. It’s time to meet the seven things I learned on the Muppet Show tonight. Here are seven valuable life lessons I learned from watching Jim Henson work his magic.
1. Clingy, dependent women are awful
Namely, Miss Piggy was horrible. Watching her suffocate Kermit drove me bonkers even when I was a little kid. “KERMIT!”, I’d think to myself. “Why do you put up with this crap? She’s smothering you! You need to pimp-slap that pig!”. It’s a lesson that carries on to this day.
2. You can make a lot of money in this world, but you might have to let someone put their hand in your ass
The Muppets were wildly popular. They achieved fame. They met stars of their era. They were beloved at least in this country and probably worldwide. But they had to let someone stick a hand up their ass and tell them what to do first.
3. Chicks love rock stars
You never actually saw it on the show, but I bet that off the set, the ladies were falling all over themselves to get to Animal. You could say the same for Dr. Teeth (who, by the way, HAD to be based on Bootsy Collins, right?!?!), or any member of Electric Mayhem.
4. Porcine space travel has been woefully underfunded by NASA
I don’t know if you noticed or not, but those pigs that traveled through space got things done. The world would be a better place if pigs were astronauts. I dare say that many of our environmental troubles are directly related to our lack of pig astronauts. Come on, NASA. Make this happen.
5. It’s not easy being green
It’s all about self love. And where would we be without self love? I LOVE self love. I love my self all the time, in fact. Sometimes, I even love myself two or three times in a day.
6. No matter where you go in life, there will always be older people in the proverbial balcony who will heckle you
They aren’t always two old guys named Stetler and Waldorf who laugh with a “HAAAAAAAR haar haar haar”, but everyone’s a critic. And quite often, they’re older and “wiser” than you. Thankfully, Jim Henson prepared me for this harsh reality.
7. Swedish food probably sucks
You couldn’t understand the Swedish chef. So even if you follow his recipes the way he gives them to you, there’s no measurement or ingredient called “Dur ba dur ba durrrrr, ba dur ba BORK BORK BORK!”. I don’t know what that dish is but there’s no way in hell it could possibly taste good. Further study of Swedish food in Ingmar Bergman films confirms this.