Fun With Netflix Viewer Reviews

It’s time yet again for the article that’s easy for me and fun for you- Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews! Volume nineteen of Netflix viewers writing funny reviews focuses on movies about technology and computers, because I just got a new Mac Mini. In fact, this is the first article I’ve written on it. These are presented completely unedited. Even when you think I might have edited something in or out of the copy, I assure you that I have not.

Sadly, this web layout was completely realistic for the 1990s

Sadly, this web layout was completely realistic for the 1990s

The Net (1995)
A sexy woman who is a computer nerd and eats pizza for dinner. Ummmm. No. Even if you file this under fantasy…its beyond realistic that you can suspend reality enough to enjoy this one.

Hackers (1995)
If you like computers, extacy, techno, and wearing traffic vests for fasion… you will love this movie! If you don’t like any of that stuff and still like this movie your probably in the 5th grade. 107 minutes of my life I will never get back. No one to blame but my self. Im just trying to warn the rest of you. CARPE DIEM!

War Games (1983)
This movie is not advertisement. With so many of the movies I have seen. This movie from what I have heard is required learning at some colleges, in the past. Back then this movie was considered state of the art. How to we to say that this movies ideas with programs are not the same.

computer7

Instead of Escaping from New York, maybe Kurt Russell should’ve escaped from The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes.

The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes (1969)
I love the old Disney movies and wanted to share them with my children. However, there was a reference to PLAYBOY magazine and a long and lustfull look at a young woman by Dexter. I was surprised to say the least and won’t be renting this again.

Sneakers (1992)
disc would not play. Disc would not play. Disc would not play disc would not play

The Matrix (1999)
“So, like, what if the world is like, nothing but a dreaaaam, man, and, like, some alien or computer or monster or something is, like, dreaming our whole reality?” “Woah. That’s really heavy, man.” “Duuuude.” The Matrix suffers from the same problem as Waking Life did, in that it sounds like something a couple of stoned college kids came up with after their first day of Philosophy 101. The visual effects were impressive when the movie first came out but now that everyone and their mother has put “bullet time” in their movie it looks tired and will only age less gracefully with time. Without the visual f/x you’re left with a bunch of flash and bang and no substance. The Matrix works as action cheese, but nothing else.

codehunter07

“Code Hunter was a horrible waste of time. Now let me spend 30 minutes writing a review about it.”

Code Hunter (2002)
If you decided to make a movie for 14 year old computer geeks with no social skills, no life and no chance of ever getting a hot girlfriend, this is the movie you’d make. Code Hunter is basically one level beyond an ABC after school special. The hero has been in trouble for bringing down the LA power grid and was banned from computers until recently, so his glory days of hacking behind him, he is now blackmailed into once again proving that he is the ultimo supremo hacker, saving the world from destruction earning the admiration of federal agents, admirals, and a sporty little shorty TV news anchor played by soap opera super-babe Vanessa Marcil. They even have Vanessa wearing glasses and with her gorgeous hair up to make her more nerd accessible. You also get Adrian Paul of the Highlander TV series (who apparently has time to kill and no standards) in reipoff of a Duncan McLeou “quickening” scene. Added to this, Chinese hottie Bai Ling in the tightest vinyl skirts off the rack (why promos keep billing Bai Ling as a martial artist when she clearly couldn’t kick a can, let alone anyone’s butt is beyond me), and all topped off with Jerry Doyle (Security Chief Michael Garibaldi of Babylon V) playing a four star admiral with the brains of: a security chief. Of course, in the end all is well, the world is saved, everyone realizes the loser is super-cool and he gets the hottie girl who is clearly both too old and too amazing looking for any computer geek lacking Bill Gates bank account. It could happen….in a video game. Rated “NA” for “No Adults” should bother to rent this movie.

You’ve Got Mail (1998)
Riding the wave of technology! One can feel the excitement of the internet!! Dial Up! Chat Rooms! The only problem seems to be that the laptop is the most memorable star in this romantic comedy!!?

The Social Network (2010)
Made it 2 minutes into this movie before ejecting the disk from my DVD player in revulsion. Sorry for the not-so-useful review, folks, but I made it fully 30 minutes into Borat and Russian Ark before bailing. The supreme narcissism of these Harvard weenies is not worth watching on film.
Editor’s Note: 2 minutes is an all-time record for a person bragging about how quickly they stopped a movie. (as if it’s anything to brag about to begin with)

tron

“Tron 2 is way better” is a phrase rarely uttered in the annals of human history.

Tron (1982)
HUHHHHH, okay is the only word i can honestly say to describe this movie. I use to see it advertised on Cinemax back in the day, but never was interested to watch it. The only reason why i rented it is because i rented Tron 2 so i wanted to get a recap of the characters history in this one. The special effects in this were very dull, i know it’s 1982, however i wasn’t impressed. Tron 2 is way better than this version. 2 1/2 stars

Short Circuit 2 (1988)
my favret part is he was mad becuase introtrs and

Live Free or Die Hard (2007)
This is quite possibly my favorite action movie ever. I’ve heard people complain that it’s over the top and the action isn’t believable. But just think about how boring an action movie would be if everything was realistic. This movie worked because of Bruce’s performance. He’s much more threatening without hair, and despite his age, you believe that he can take all this abuse and still survive. I love the fact that he’s not a hero. He’s just a normal guy stuck in a situation he doesn’t want to be in. There is rarely a dull moment, Mary Elizabeth Winstead is hot, Justin Long is funny. I loved it!
Editor’s Note: I get a little more “threatening” every day and it sucks.


18 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

18 responses to “Fun With Netflix Viewer Reviews

  1. The review for War Games reads like a spam bot wrote it. One of my blog entries is often spam botted and the comments sound just like this review.

  2. Too bad for the Tron guy, can’t believe special effects were worse 30 years ago.

    I can’t decide if most of them are sad or funny, though.

    • Oh, I think they’re hilarious. I bet if this was 1928 and Netflix existed, there’d be all sorts of reviews whining about Chaplin, Keaton, Lloyd, Chaney, and all sorts of artists that we all know (now) are amazing.

      (long story short… there will always be crappy and hilariously misguided reactions to movies)

  3. I have to agree with the “You’ve Got Mail” one. Not only is it dated now, it kind of sucked when it was brand new. I like the one that trails off in the middle of sentence like he got distracted by a squirrel. And the one about the ’69 Disney movie where, OMG, Playboy was MENTIONED and the guy stares at a girl! We can’t expose our children to that kind of depravity!

    • YES! The Playboy thing is completely why I included that review. And it’s not even modern Playboy. That’s 1969 Playboy. 75% of National Geographics are more explicit.

  4. Aleksa

    Two minutes does not count as watching a movie.

  5. “He’s much more threatening without hair” I heard that that was the key to Michael Jordan’s success, too. LOL

  6. Phil

    I spent less than 2 minutes reading some of the comments before I ejected. Does that count?

  7. The Net: First off, I LOVE that still. And I love how the reviewer thinks the movie is unrealistic for only that reason.

    Sneakers: great review. Great review. Great review.

    Live Free or Die Hard: haha, your note was hilarious.

    • That photo from The Net slays me on so many levels. For starters… the look on her face. Second and obviously, the hilariously crappy site design which was 100% accurate for its era. And third… it’s pizza.net.

      Live Free or Die Hard… Getting bald sucks. At this point, my choices are Rogaine or lose weight so I don’t look like Uncle Fester.

  8. All movie reviews should end with an exclamation of ‘CARPE DIEM!’. Thank you for bringing these little treasures into my life.

    • “Carpe Diem” reviews would be amazing. “Life of Pi is a crowning achievement of humanity. CARPE DIEM!!!”… “The worst part about Jack and Jill is that Adam Sandler has been allowed to get to this point. CARPE DIEM!!!”

  9. heyzeus

    “How to we to say that this movies ideas with programs are not the same.”

    Ow, my brain.

    • After I included it, I realized that was probably someone with English as a second language and kind of felt like a jerk.

      (but if that person has english as a primary language… yeah)

  10. Pingback: Fogs’ Movie Reviews has won the 2013 Lammy Award for Best Running Feature! « Fogs' Movie Reviews

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