Ten Disney Characters That Are Probably Delicious

DisneyCharacters

Walt Disney created a magical world, full of wonder and… actually, you know what? Let’s not waste time with an intro. Here are a bunch of Disney characters that probably taste really good.

lionkingPumbaa, The Lion King
Admittedly, warthogs are not the same as pigs. But hakuna matata means “no worries,” right? Surely there’d be a way to prepare Pumbaa that would at least resemble traditional pork. Pumbaa ribs have potential, especially if smoked just right and with a little Carolina mustard barbecue sauce added. Or a pig pickin’ with Pumbaa might work as well, with the vinegar and crushed red pepper added to tenderize the meat. Even putting Pumbaa on a spit with an apple in his mouth would likely yield positive results.

Thumper, Bambi
There’s a reason Yosemite Sam wanted to turn Bugs Bunny into hasenpfeffer, if you’ll pardon the mixed cartoon references. That’s because rabbit is delicious. Thumper’s habit of thumping his left leg ensures that at least part of his body won’t be too fat and gristly. And let’s face it. Thumper was a pretty annoying character to begin with, so there’s a hidden bonus to cooking hasenthumper.

Jacques the Shrimp, Finding Nemo
He’s French, and few know as much about cooking as the French. He might even come with scampi seasoning already inside his shell. The only real problem here is that he’s a shrimp and there’s only one of him, meaning he won’t be very filling.

char_43783Turkey Lurkey, Chicken Little
Thankfully, Chicken Little wasn’t a wildly popular Disney film, and most people enjoy turkey at least once a year. There aren’t a lot of obstacles like “The character was lovable” or “I don’t like that food” in the way of eating Turkey Lurkey. The only real barrier is that it’s a turkey with the voice of Don Knotts. But once the scent of plump turkey roasting in the oven wafts through the house, what its voice sounded like is of little consequence. Just make sure to cook the stuffing outside the bird. Eating an anthropomorphic turkey with the voice of Don Knotts is one thing. Shoving bread and seasoning in his nether regions is quite another.

Prince Naveen (The Frog), The Princess and the Frog
Most people think frog legs sound disgusting. Then again, most of those people haven’t actually tried them, either. They’re a lot like eating chicken and fish at the same time. Apply the right seasoning with just a tiny hint of Cajun flavor and I assure you that Prince Naveen would taste great.

Bambi’s Mom, Bambi
This probably sounds heartless, but I didn’t shoot her. You didn’t shoot her. It’d be a waste for her to die in vain. And if you’ve ever had venison brats, venison summer sausage, or venison jerky, then you know that Bambi’s mom will not have died in vain. Mmmm… Bambi’s mom jerky.

Sebastian, The Little Mermaid
Shellfish is amazing, and Sebastian is the finest that this film has to offer “unda da seaaaaaa.” If you want to cook him just right, you’ll add Sebastian to several of the secondary characters that nobody cares about for a huge, tasty lowcountry-style boil.

Abigail_and_widowAbigail the Cow, The Fox and the Hound
That she’s a secondary character eliminates a lot of the awkwardness, and the meal possibilities are endless. The fact that she can aim and squirt milk out of her udder at will is a novel trick, but not enough to keep me from having a steak, some stroganoff, or even a hamburger.

Abigail and Amelia Gabble, The Aristocats
Since they’re twins, it’s a two-for-one deal on geese. They’d make a fine holiday dinner. Fatten them up just right and suddenly foie gras enters the equation.

Mushu, Mulan
He’s named after a popular northern Chinese dish, so you can’t tell me he’s not meant to be consumed. More importantly, nobody has ever eaten dragon. It’s the rarest of rare dishes. Whoever eats Mushu will have bragging rights over every other person in the history of the world.


16 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

16 responses to “Ten Disney Characters That Are Probably Delicious

  1. LOL Oh my God, this list is just morbid. I love it. I agree, you can’t just let Bambi’s mom go to waste! Venison is delicious. Frog legs are something that I actually want to try, just because I’ve heard they’re actually pretty good.

    • “Morbid” and “I love it” made me smile.

      Frog legs are something else. I know it’s cliche to say stuff tastes like chicken, but that’s really legit when it comes to frog legs. But they’re just a teeny tiny bit like fish, too. Not the flavor, but the consistency is a little bit fishy. There’s probably some sort of classy way to prepare them, but I’ve only had ‘em fried. And that was great.

  2. goregirl

    These Disney characters are probably loaded with growth hormones but on the plus side they are free range. I’ll order the Pumbaa on a spit with a Sebastian Tail…drawn butter on the side please.

    • The Pumbaa/Sebastian surf n’ turf… nice choice, indeed. You could even have your Sebastian butter made from Abigail’s milk.

      I hadn’t really thought about it but I wonder if these characters are inky. I don’t want to taste Disney ink when I’m eating these animals.

  3. FilmFather

    My family went to Bob Evans for dinner Saturday night, and the turkey meal on the kids’ menu is called the Turkey Lurkey. I said to my boys, “Aw, the Turkey Lurkey. Guess he’s not mayor anymore.” They couldn’t stop laughing.

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  4. Love it. Let’s hold a Disney movie marathon and then set up a roasting spit afterwards. LOL We could get surf and turf going, even, with a selection THIS huge! :D

    • You could have one hell of a feast eating all these characters. I like the idea of making them watch themselves in movies while you eat them.

  5. Dude

    I think Chris Tucker was looking to eat some Mushu in Rush Hour 2.

    • Is that where that came from? I google “mushu” to find out exactly what it was when I was writing this (and for spelling and such), and found the urban dictionary definition.

  6. Ron Jeremy

    What about the Disney Princesses?

  7. THIS is hilarious. And now I’m hungry…

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