Walt Disney created a magical world, full of wonder and… actually, you know what? Let’s not waste time with an intro. Here are a bunch of Disney characters that probably taste really good.
Pumbaa, The Lion King
Admittedly, warthogs are not the same as pigs. But hakuna matata means “no worries,” right? Surely there’d be a way to prepare Pumbaa that would at least resemble traditional pork. Pumbaa ribs have potential, especially if smoked just right and with a little Carolina mustard barbecue sauce added. Or a pig pickin’ with Pumbaa might work as well, with the vinegar and crushed red pepper added to tenderize the meat. Even putting Pumbaa on a spit with an apple in his mouth would likely yield positive results.
There’s a reason Yosemite Sam wanted to turn Bugs Bunny into hasenpfeffer, if you’ll pardon the mixed cartoon references. That’s because rabbit is delicious. Thumper’s habit of thumping his left leg ensures that at least part of his body won’t be too fat and gristly. And let’s face it. Thumper was a pretty annoying character to begin with, so there’s a hidden bonus to cooking hasenthumper.
Jacques the Shrimp, Finding Nemo
He’s French, and few know as much about cooking as the French. He might even come with scampi seasoning already inside his shell. The only real problem here is that he’s a shrimp and there’s only one of him, meaning he won’t be very filling.
Turkey Lurkey, Chicken Little
Thankfully, Chicken Little wasn’t a wildly popular Disney film, and most people enjoy turkey at least once a year. There aren’t a lot of obstacles like “The character was lovable” or “I don’t like that food” in the way of eating Turkey Lurkey. The only real barrier is that it’s a turkey with the voice of Don Knotts. But once the scent of plump turkey roasting in the oven wafts through the house, what its voice sounded like is of little consequence. Just make sure to cook the stuffing outside the bird. Eating an anthropomorphic turkey with the voice of Don Knotts is one thing. Shoving bread and seasoning in his nether regions is quite another.
Prince Naveen (The Frog), The Princess and the Frog
Most people think frog legs sound disgusting. Then again, most of those people haven’t actually tried them, either. They’re a lot like eating chicken and fish at the same time. Apply the right seasoning with just a tiny hint of Cajun flavor and I assure you that Prince Naveen would taste great.
Bambi’s Mom, Bambi
This probably sounds heartless, but I didn’t shoot her. You didn’t shoot her. It’d be a waste for her to die in vain. And if you’ve ever had venison brats, venison summer sausage, or venison jerky, then you know that Bambi’s mom will not have died in vain. Mmmm… Bambi’s mom jerky.
Sebastian, The Little Mermaid
Shellfish is amazing, and Sebastian is the finest that this film has to offer “unda da seaaaaaa.” If you want to cook him just right, you’ll add Sebastian to several of the secondary characters that nobody cares about for a huge, tasty lowcountry-style boil.
Abigail the Cow, The Fox and the Hound
That she’s a secondary character eliminates a lot of the awkwardness, and the meal possibilities are endless. The fact that she can aim and squirt milk out of her udder at will is a novel trick, but not enough to keep me from having a steak, some stroganoff, or even a hamburger.
Abigail and Amelia Gabble, The Aristocats
Since they’re twins, it’s a two-for-one deal on geese. They’d make a fine holiday dinner. Fatten them up just right and suddenly foie gras enters the equation.
He’s named after a popular northern Chinese dish, so you can’t tell me he’s not meant to be consumed. More importantly, nobody has ever eaten dragon. It’s the rarest of rare dishes. Whoever eats Mushu will have bragging rights over every other person in the history of the world.