Fun With Netflix Viewer Reviews: Superhero Movie Edition

It’s time yet again for the article that’s easy for me and fun for you- Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews! Today’s edition focuses entirely on superhero movies. These are presented completely unedited. Even when you think I might have edited something in or out of the copy, I assure you that I have not.

The Avengers (2012)
I <3 This Movie SO Much. GREAT FILM! Enough Said. blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BLAH BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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“Spider-Man is totally unrealistic!”
-Captain Obvious

Spider-Man (2002)
Super powers from a spider bite? Uh, huh. and I have super powers from the vacuum cleaner. Trite. Not even original. and the good guy, nerdy macquire, forget him. If there was any super power available to him he should have ended this film about 10 minutes into the premise. Bet the kids like it, so parents, anty up for christmas shopping! But, could I just get one of those gloves? one star, can’t get lower than that.

X-Men: First Class (2011)
X Marks The Spot Again.As We Look At The 60′s and when Charles Xavier and Erik Lehncher were Commrades In The Early Days in the School of Mutants.I found Interesting the Youth Oriented Mystique Played by Hunger Games Diva Jennifer Lawrence.And We Now Can Add Another Degree of Kevin Bacon to The Game.Class Dismissed!!!!!!!!!!!

Daredevil (2003)
This is perty pathetic. Dare Devil is basicly blind Batman on PCP. I thought the girl was going to be a cross between Batgirl and Catwoman, but they just killed her off. The only interesting characters are the “bad guys”.

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Schwarzenegger in Batman & Robin, basically, according to one very funny Netflix reviewer.

Batman & Robin (1997)
BatClooney, with assists from Robin (Chris O’Donnell) and Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone), does battle here with Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a supervillain whose sole superpower is the ability to turn water into ice, making him about as menacing as the cube-making feature in your refrigerator; and Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman), a supervillainess who can grow plants and make men fall in love with her (essentially, the superpowers of an attractive woman with a garden). BatClooney abandons the yellow Batsymbol and somber blacks, adopting a showy silver look not unlike a crime-fighting tuna fish. Improvements abound in the cowl region, which trades in the cumbersome ceramic headpiece of earlier incarnations for a large-nosed latex rubber mask, meaning Batman can now blow his nose in-costume and possesses peripheral vision of at least an inch on either side. Watch out, criminals standing very slightly to his left or right! Also worth noting: Against all reason and decency, the Batsuit now features nipples, possibly as part of some new Bat-lactation feature. (Theory: They squirt Gatorade when he’s thirsty?) BatClooney sees no problems whatsoever with suiting Chris O’Donnell and Alicia Silverstone up in benippled costumes and enlisting the idiots in his war on crime, despite the fact that no right-thinking person would trust Chris O’Donnell or Alicia Silverstone to lick stamps without turning purple and asphyxiating themselves.

Batman (1989)
A TRUE TOP TEN mike is good as bat man but jack is soo great at THE JOCKER.a good story & so cool stunt i love BATMAN & HIGHTLY RECCOMEN THIS GREAT MOVIE

Editor’s Note: “The Jocker” sounds like a very different, perhaps more horrifying villain.

Superman II (1980)
…that Sarah Douglas as Ursa is SO FRIKKIN HOT!!!!!!! I mean, COME ON. I remember seeing this movie when I was only eleven and being MESMERIZED, just wishing she would beat the snot out of me. Anyone else? C’mon, step forward. You know she stirred up some WEIRD feelings in you back then and it’s even more embarrassing NOW. But now I’ve said it. There it is. Finally. It’s out there. Now I need others to admit it too. C’mon. You know you want her.

The Punisher (2004)
THIS MOVIE WAS HORRIBLE IT HAD DORA AND BOOT’S IN IT. i HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Dark Knight (2008)
Mean. Long. Evil. Hated it. Batman is no longer a hero but tormented, impotent no goal, no hope. Another comic book hero turned into a fool. Nice work, Hollywood. Perhaps a good analogy to the USA, as we spiral down to a 3rd world country. Oh did I say it was long? Heath Ledger did a really fine job portraying a psychotic. Did I say it was long?

ABAR

It’s real! I have to see this.

Abar, the First Black Superman, In Your Face (1977)
The description tells of a black power guy who gets injected with a serum that makes him like Superman. This kind of happens, but it happens in the last 15 minutes! I liked this movie. It’s a PG rated but edgy, very heavy handed polemenic on race. While the acting isn’t very good the actual filmaking is pretty solid. Its strongest suit though is its uncompromised black power nationalism and unfair but hilarious stereotypes of whites, black politicians and bankers. There are no token nice crackers or conflicted Uncle toms, all the rich people are evil and the poor ghetto people are saintly. The main characters are seen mainly as deluded for trying to integrate into white society. There’s lots of ridiculous blaxploitation moments with white people yelling the n word at little black kids, trying to blow up the Kincades house, killing their pets, etc. The final section of the film is where the black superman emerges and it’s pretty awesome in a ridiculous way. and then there is a absurd minor twist at the end that I just loved. If you can handle radical politics, bad acting, a lack of sex/ street walker disco type babes and very misleading advertising definately check this one out. I enjoyed it.

Editor’s Note: I must see this movie.

Hellboy (2004)
Want some excitement?? Throw in some nazis! Want some cheap thrills?? Make a movie about ET! Hey, wait a sec, how do we make excitement and ET mesh? Nazis meet outer space! The invincible Nazi assasin meets the Russian Rasputin and the world is in danger! More like, stay away from this movie, because the plot is crap and so is the movie! Acting by Hellboy was pathetic! He belongs in hell! He isn’t a good crime fighter, since he is getting beat up all the time, and is more worried about some girl!

Hulk (2003), Part One
Hulk mad! Hulk forced to watch a terrible adaptation of a great comic book! Hulk fell asleep five times! Hulk smash! Hulk felt cheated by the horrible CGI! Hulk did not like the poorly adapted screen adaptation. Hulk want to destroy before movie hurt again! ARRRRRRR!

Hulk (2003), Part Two
I like cats in my soup. But they have to be purple or I wont eat them Purple cats… yum in my soup

Watchmen (2009)
“Who watches the Watchmen” People who enjoy a movie full death, destruction, rape and senseless murder on a grand scale. This movie is dark and depressing and left me feeling empty, like what is the point of life. Nice camera work, great effects, but be warned we see ‘Dr. Manhattan’s’ junk a lot, I mean not once or twice but probably at least ten times. I would recommend not watching the “Watchmen” unless your in the mood for a dark depressing downer of a film.


18 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

18 responses to “Fun With Netflix Viewer Reviews: Superhero Movie Edition

  1. tinkadele

    The Jocker <3 I loved this, provided me with my afternoon giggle! Thanks.

  2. People like the ones who wrote that Spider-Man review scare me. I mean… yikes.

    Wait, was The Dark Knight long?

    Hulk, Part Two… huh?

  3. Ahahaha… I made the mistake of reading this at work and I had to do everything in my power not to burst out laughing John! Oh man, that comment about Ursa in Superman II had me in stitches, and Dr Manhattan junk… oh boy!!

  4. Ah! It’s the superhero edition! “The Jocker” comment is absolutely spectacular. Awesome stuff, John, as always.

  5. Well that one guy was dead on with his review of Batman and Robin. man I love these things.

  6. You know…….I actually thought that Batman & Robin review was pretty awesome. Huh. There are some true diamonds in the rough.

    The Hulk part 2 was also a favorite. I don’t share the same opinion of cats in my soup, but to each his own.

    I didn’t really get why Daredevil is on PCP. A blind Batman, I can understand. But PCP?

    • Oh yeah… the Batman & Robin review was hilarious. I figure funny is funny, whether it’s schaudenfreude or not.

      Maybe PCP helps people see or something.

  7. That X-Men: First Class reviewer is throwing out a real Gene-Shalit-on-meth vibe.

    • Fun fact that you’ll appreciate- the night the Cardinals won the World Series in 2011, in what Walter White would call a “fugue” state (mine was fueled by martinis and jager and a lot of beer), I harassed some hipster about his Gene Shalit mustache. “Are you trying to look like Gene Shalit? Because it’d be a lot more respectable if this wasn’t some ironic bullshit and you didn’t know any better.” Except it probably came out “Blah blah blah slurred speech WHOOO HOW ABOUT THOSE CARDINALS!” But the way it’s been described to me embarrasses the shit out of me.

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