Fun With Netflix Viewer Reviews: Volume 10

It’s time yet again for the article that’s easy for me and fun for you- Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews! Here’s 2012′s last volume of people writing really funny Netflix viewer reviews. These are presented completely unedited. Even when you think I might have edited something in or out of the copy, I assure you that I have not.

The Big Sleep (1946)
Anytime anyone in a movie starts singing a song with the lyric “She’s a real sad tomato,” that’s when I shut down. How the hell are you supposed to know what’s going on in this thing? Seriously. There must be five thousand characters in the story and everyone looks alike. And how can anyone be expected to follow the damn plot? There’s so much exposition in this thing, I’d rather read the script than watch a movie of it. It’s official: I guess I can’t enjoy any movie made before 1960. They just bore me out of my mind.

220px-George_Melies

As a rule, the French make bad films? Mr. Melies, Truffaut, Godard, Malle, Noe, and Gance would like a word with you.

Amélie (2001)
As a rule, the French make bad films that aren’t worth watching except for the attractive women, so when they manage to make a passable film with a delightful performance by a lovely woman the critics lose their objectivity. Slow, though with some amusing moments.

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962)
This movie was probably pretty good back when it first came out, but now this kind of storyline is what the Lifetime channel is for. I do not recommend this movie.

The Avengers (2012)
Hawkeye (the guy with to bow) ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Penalty (1920)
Personally I don’t like Silent movies very much. This was my first Lon Chaney Movie. This was a surprise since it was listed under James Mason. Really the best silent movie will never match the best sound movie. Well at least it gave me a chance to see Lon Chaney. For a silent movie it was better then most. It still cannot be compared to a sound movie though. I’ve only seen about 7 silent movies and really I don’t intend to continue seeing them. The best are probably done by Charlie Chaplin and I’ve seen too many of those but he was probably the master. If you didn’t have sound in those days you had to watch a silent movie or nothing at all.

Black Narcissus (1947)
The reviews which describe this movie as “a painting” are right, but it is kind of like looking at a painting for 100 minutes. As beutiful as it is, it is not even a medium paced interesting film. It reminds me of The Sound of Music, but without the Music or interesting plot points. I made a mistake in renting this. I usually don’t like “for everyone in the family” movies (and there is NOTHING offensive about this one). Safe for all ages, but not my cup of tea.

Bernie (2011)
Plot moves slower than a snail. Dreadfully boring. Tries really hard to be clever and quirky. It’s a wannabee Cohen Brothers Film.

superman_reeve

He might as well be Alf.

Superman: The Movie (1978)
A movie about an outer space alien who has magical powers. Was this a comic book character? …Who knows. 5 stars!

Django (1966)
I know the person who wrote this script, he’s in my pre-school subgrade 0 and flunked every subject for 34 yrs THIS MOVIE ISN’T BAD, IT’S TERRIBLE, IT WASN’T RELEASED..IT ESCAPED..THE ACTING WAS ALMOST AS BAD AS WELL I CAN’T THINK OF A MOVIE AS BAD AS THIS ONE IS..SAVE YOU TIME..DON’T RENT THIS ONE SAM

Ichi the Killer (2001)
Seriously i swear to God and Jesus and Ralph and Bealzibub and my grandma perkins that this is the absolute worst movie ive ever seen in my entire life. Anyone who tells you this movie is badass or spooky or bloody or cool is a retard. I would rather masterbate to a bar of soap with poop in it than watch this movie. Plot = 0. Graphics/Animation = 0. Acting = 0. Length = too long. Gayness level = 100000.

Editor’s Note: Yeesh…

Cheeky (2000)
cheeky was okay the lesbian scenses was i was waiting for them to have sex on a bed like all those movie

Repulsion

Now your talkin’! No just kidding.

Repulsion (1965)
Beautiful & normal ?…to predictable.Beautiful & stupid ?…boorrrrinng! Beautiful & crazy Now your talkin! No just kidding,i like stupid girls too.But really,this movie still delivers after 45 yrs.I suppose id wind up like her suitor here,but thats the chance you take when you like em’gorgeous & ga ga.

Caligula (1979)
Message to PAUL from CO why in the world would you lash out at me? I don’t know you and these review boards are not meant for messages of the sort that you have directed toward me.BACK OFF!! If you don’t agree with what I write keep it to yourself.

Lilya-4-Ever (2003)
This movie has something for everyone: two suicides, parental abandonment, prostitution, sexual slavery, and the stark bleakness of living the former Soviet Union. Someone please remind me why the United States is hated so much. My own fault for getting this bleak movie.

21 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

21 responses to “Fun With Netflix Viewer Reviews: Volume 10

  1. One of the best instalments yet. Gotta agree with the Lilya 4-Ever one. Excellent film, but very bleak.

  2. “As a rule, the French make bad films that aren’t worth watching…” Hilarious!

  3. The guy who met Kevin Meany

    The Caligula review was right on. Paul is kind of a dick. Also, props for all the kinky scenes.

  4. Dan

    I think the idea that Django “escaped” because it was so terrible is hilarious. That entire review is so wonderfully ridiculous. Nice job!

    • I also love how it’s ambiguously written by a guy named Sam. The way he says it, it sounds like he’s very specifically telling some guy named Sam not to watch it. Or… hell, I’m not even sure what they meant in that part of the review.

  5. nimorphi

    So I watch many French movies (hell I watched Holy Motors last night and want to go out and see it again) but I really disliked Amelie. I didn’t find is cute and whimsical and as much as a self-indulgent bore. It didn’t help that i watched it with someone who thought it was the greatest film ever made and expressed that viewpoint many times throughout the movie. The only other Jeunet film I have seen in Alien Resurrection, so I don’t have that high of an opinion of him.

    • I’ve been very hit or miss with Jeunet. For instance, I was very “meh” about City of Lost Children. But I really liked Delicatessen. I liked Amelie… but it gets more love than I think it deserves.

  6. I give this post a gayness level = 69. Make of that what you will.

  7. My god, doesn’t anyone edit their reviews, I also thought Sam was giving a warning to someone called Sam! I agree with Tyler this is the funniest yet.

  8. As much as I love The Big Sleep, I will have to agree with the Netflix reviewer that it’s confusing as all hell.

  9. aleksa

    The “Ichi the Killer” review:

    Wow. Just, wow.

  10. Alex Withrow

    Bahha, the Amélie one is priceless. Sadly, I think MANY (younger) people share the sentiment of that Baby Jane review. Tragic, really.

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