Fun With Netflix Viewer Reviews: Volume 7

It’s time yet again for the article that’s easy for me and fun for you- Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews! Here’s volume seven of people writing really funny Netflix viewer reviews. These are presented completely unedited. Even when you think I might have edited something in or out of the copy, I assure you that I have not.As always, understand that I don’t always disagree with the negativity surrounding some of these movies, but there’s always at least one thing in these reviews that I find amusing.

Enemy of the State (1998)
Now this is the story all about how Will’s life got flipped, turned upside down. It takes 132 minutes, so just sit right there. I’ll tell you about he became the pawn of some spy warfare. In District of Columbia, born and raised, in the courthouse is where he spent most of his days. Pleadin’ out, lawin’, objectin’ all cool and chasin’ some mob boss outside of school. When a couple of agents were up to no good, started killin’ congressmen in the neighborhood. He got one little tape and NSA got scared and said “You’ve murdered your ex girlfriend in cold blood, so there!” Will, he whistled for a contact and when he came near, the license said “Brill”, who had a security fear. If anything he could say that this cat was rare, but then they got captured which led to despair. They pulled up to the mob house around seven or eight and Will yelled to the NSA “Yo, I’m your negotiator!” There was some killing, he was luckily spared, to reclaim his life what a breath of fresh air.

Editor’s Note: This is amazing. Whoever wrote this is a genius.

A real deep story

Glenn: The Flying Robot (2010)
if all you watch are man-violent-loud-fight movies, go. but if you like stories – real life deep stories that challenge the will to live, and a quite possible future, get your favorite wine, relax and go for a ride.

Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004)
In the year of 2004 my sisters best friend came over she broght the movie i watched it them liked it. Once my Dad watches his little movie Saw and the other movies he put on the queue i’ll add Scooby Doo Be cause its stratched it

Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972)
So we are to believe that Peter Cushing’s character as Dr Von Helsing was really so stupid that he had to diagram with arrows for each letter the name ‘Alucard’ to see that it spells (ooooh, spoiler alert!) ‘Dracula’ backwards? He couldn’t see where it was going after the oh, I dunno, 4th letter? Wonderfully bad 70′s hair, costumes, soundtrack, and wonderfully bad acting. Oddly reminiscent of the cheesy music from Batman the TV series, for us old-timers.

Why do you have to say that about Free Willy?

Free Willy (1993)
A bit sad. The real story is that a few weeks after they set him free he dies because he wasnt really used to living on its own, so this movie was ok.

Rush Hour 3 (2007)
good flick, good acting, good fight scenes, Oh, that brings me to the CatFight….. what else do one need? after that i shut it off

All the President’s Men (1976)
Another one of AFI’s political-left driven top 100 movie choices. It was only chosen this year to demonize the republican party, not for honest super movie qualities. Now, it is an interesting movie (more like a documentary) to see how the watergate scandel was uncovered, but NOT a top 100 of all time! Come on Hollywood elite, you’ve got to get your “Political agenda” out of your head when selecting the best movies of all time. Their are so many movies that could have taken the place of this one. Note: if Nixon had been a democrat, then this movie would have never been considered in the top 1000 of all time.

Vertigo (1958)
DO NOT READ ANY REVIEWS! I was fortunate enough to have no idea what this film is about the first time I watched it. It’s the type of story that does not lend well to summary; the smallest detail is already too much information! Suffice it to say, this is Hitchcock at his best. James Stewart and Kim Novak will surprise you with their performances. The film is visual poetry, and its score is among the most beautiful and haunting compositions I’ve ever heard. But please, for your own sake, go into this one blindly. The less you know the better…you will enjoy it more if you allow it to take you by surprise.

Editor’s Note: I don’t have anything against this review specifically, but if I followed their advice, wouldn’t I have stopped reading the second I saw “DO NOT READ ANY REVIEWS!”?

Nard kicking is… bad?

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
A couple of wiseasses ride around the wild west blowing up trains and kicking people in the nards. Wait, that makes it sound a lot better than it really is.

Dead Clowns (2003)
I put the movie in. Watched some of it. Fell asleep. Debated just returning it. Tried to finish it and fell asleep again. I like watching “clowns” walk around slowly as much as the next guy, but come on.

Django Unchained (2012), a movie that hasn’t even been released yet
spaghetti western……….??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Sideways (2004)
I rented this movie with high hopes of finding a timeless masterpiece- aftewr all, the reviews said that it was one, so I decided to give it a chance. BIG MITSAKE! The plot (or, arguably, lack thereof) is extremely, gut-wrenchingly boring, and the dialogue is pretty much in the same category. The characters were extremely unlikable, and there was hardly any character development to keep you somewhat intrested. Furthermore, “Sideways” is classified as a comedy, but the only funny part in the whole movie takes place in the last twenty minutes. I would have to say the only memorable character is the one Sandra Oh played, and that was mostly because I was amused in seeing that idiotic character getting thrashed by the motorcycle helmet. Overall, if you are not a middle-aged wine lover, I would highly, highly suggest stepping to the side of “Sideways”

Editor’s Note: Only included because I love the irony of misspelling “mistake”.

19 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

19 responses to “Fun With Netflix Viewer Reviews: Volume 7

  1. Agree with you, that Enemy of State review is brilliant!

  2. That’s an IMDB genre list I want to see.

    “Childhood films ruined by real-life tragedy”.

  3. That Enemy of State review is fucking awesome.

  4. Gotta say it has been a real hot second since I heard the term “nards”.

  5. I always love a good nard-kicking western.

  6. nimorphi

    not gonna lie, other than the spelling mistake, I agree 100% with the sideways review.

    • Honestly? Me too. I didn’t flat-out hate that movie but I thought it was wildly overrated. I expected more but I was mitsaken.

      • nimorphi

        I’ve seen Election, Sideways and The Descendents and my reacton to all of them was “meh”. I don’t think they are bad at all, I just don’t think they are that great.I think Payne’s only other movie was About Schmidt. maybe that was better.

  7. I purposely waited to read this post in the library. I’m trying to hold in my laughter, making the reviews even funnier. Laughing out loud in the library is like laughing in church–so wrong but yet so right.

    Nards.

  8. The Enemy of the State review is incredible and hilarious! These just keep getting better and better. Loving the series!

  9. Dallen

    “Rush Hour 3 (2007)
    good flick, good acting, good fight scenes, Oh, that brings me to the CatFight….. what else do one need? after that i shut it off”

    After reading this review, I now wish every review ever ended in, “after that i shut it off.”

    For example:
    “and then it is revealed after everything that had happened, that ‘Rosebud’ was the name of his sled, teaching us that life is fleeting and despite chasing money and success, women and wine, fame and fortune, nothing will ever make us happier than the simple, innocent pleasures of childhood; like playing with your sled on a crisp winter’s day. after that i shut it off.”

    Or:
    “We’ll never know if Rick got on the plane or if Ilsa got off the plane. We’ll never know if Rick and Captain Renault left their cynical neutrality behind to fight the good fight. All we truly know is that Rick’s true nobility finally shone through when he said his speech about the hill of beans and that thing about he and Renault beginning a ‘beautiful friendship.’ after that i shut it off.”

  10. Alex Withrow

    Enemy of the State: Agreed. Genius.

    All the President’s Men: Yeah, obviously. (Jesus)

    These are so epic, keep ‘em comin’!

    • They may or may not take a break this week, but they’ll be back soon enough, without a doubt. Especially with Christmas season upon us, there have to be loads of ridiculous things said about Christmas movies.

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