Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews: Volume Six

It’s time yet again for the article that’s easy for me and fun for you- Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews! Here’s volume six of people writing really bad, or funny, Netflix viewer reviews. These are presented completely unedited. Even when you think I might have edited something in or out of the copy, I assure you that I have not.As always, understand that I don’t always disagree with the negativity surrounding some of these movies, but there’s always at least one thing in these reviews that I find amusing.

Crash (2005)
This movie was not so hot! I think it might be the worst Sandra Bullock movie I have seen her play in..(or not play in)..the few minutes she was in it!!! I do not even know why they had her as the star….all in all for the whole movie she was maybe in it 20 minutes on and off during the movie….the movie was about several couples……back and forth…..I did not like this one at all….and I am very glad I only rented it…..I would not tell anyone to rent this one…I Dong it!!!! Better luck next time Sandra….try again! I rate it a 0……..I will give it a one

Dropping the ball

This is Spinal Tap (1984)
This movie was funny. I could not hear some of the funny parts because of my cousin’s annoying children. I would have given it 5 stars if the producers of this film had taken into account the obnoxious behavior of my cousin’s kids and turned up the volume during the specific times the children were too loud. I would have done it myself, but my remote was maybe 3 feet away at the time and I don’t think it’s my job to make sure that I can hear the movie. Way to drop the ball, spinal tap.

Hard Rock Zombies (1985)
How can I say this? Watching “Hard Rock Zombies” may be the greatest thing that has ever happen to me in my entire 31 years. It has changed my life. It has made me a better person. And it has given my life new meaning. That’s how special this movie is. It has so much tenderness, so many heart-felt scenes and truly magical moments that I have not been able to stop thinking about it since I saw it. The way the rockers came back from the dead to continue to do what they love touched me in a very special way. And the love that the lead singer still felt for his sweetheart, even after he was a rotting corpse was an “Oscar” moment if I’ve ever seen one. But when Hiter shows up to once again try to take over the world with the help of his mass-murdering family, including a nazi cousin, two dwarf side-kicks, a hot chick, and a werewolf grandma, I was moved beyond belief. This movie has gotten enough praise from the critics and I know you’ve all seen and it and loved it, but I just wanted to give my take on everyone’s favorite, the beloved “Hard Rock Zombies”.. you will always hold a special place in my heart “HRZ” God Bless you Krishna Shah, for giving this world something to hold on to.

Village People, I Drink Your Blood, it’s all the same

I Drink Your Blood (1970)
If you turn the sound off it looks like the Village People competing against Cement Workers of America Local #333 in a Takeshi’s Castle episode (aka Most Extreme Elimination!). The Village People have the edge in the rat meat chili cook off and the Cement Workers have the hacking innocent town’s folk into redneck tartar in a lock The Alka Seltzer Tablet eating contest was a draw so as a tie breaker they go into SUDDEN DEATH with a bullet catching competition. And who couldn’t enjoy that Especially with breasts?

Editor’s Note: I’ve never seen this… but want to now because of this review.

The Dark Knight (2008)
pretty sweet. batman forever was better. my review must be at least 80 characters in lengthmy review must be at least 80 characters in lengthmy review must be at least 80 characters in lengthmy review must be at least 80 characters in length what are the grounds or preconditions of possession of a sense of self? Does lived experience itself presuppose this myth? is decentration, for the purpose of suspending representations, merely a paranoid manifestation of the way in which we tend to ‘calculate’ or ‘order’ reality? what does bob kane say?

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006)
VEREY funny & i love the FART jokes!!!! Larry is a SEXY man,this is a top ten movie.

Salo, or the 120 Days of Sadom (1975)
You know what? I was going to rent this movie, but after reading all these positive and negative reviews, I decided to drop Salo for good. I just can’t stand people eating crap like if it were chocolate chips. Anyways, I eat crap everyday at work from Monday to Friday, 8am to 5pm. I’ll stick with my live rock concerts. The Elvis Comeback Special (Especial Edition) looks pretty good. I recommend it instead of sick crap.

Just a guy with a broke nose who loves his puppy wuppy.

Marley & Me (2008)
Okay, the only reason to see this movie is to get your simple minded girlfriend in the mood for sex. It has no quality actors, story or location. A guy with a broke nose and a girl with a hair lip wove deir wittle puppy wuppy. If you sit through this movie with someone with a vigina and pretend that you’re into all this silly romantic chatter and they don’t sleep with you, DO NOT COME ON THIS WEBSITE AND COMPLAIN! You know full well that this is not Citizen Kane.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
It’s like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indy says: “Shut your eyes Marion, don’t look at it no matter what happens” If she had looked, her face would have melted. I’m actually surprised that mine stayed intact while watching this film. I love the original films and many “blockbuster” films that came out during roughly 1975-95. This however, puts the nail in the coffin of my greatest hero. This film proves that Hollywood has grown fat from suckling off of CGI and is incapable of telling a compelling story, or rendering exciting action sequences. It’s all the more painful that this comes from the man that gave us the Indiana Jones trilogy, Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Jurassic Park. A man that once infused stories with wonder; now makes something ludicrous, rambling, overblown and completely devoid of any connection with the sublime. I chose to see this. I chose… poorly.

Editor’s Note: Included because of how clever and accurate I find the first three sentences.

The Passion of the Christ (2004)
Q: What’s better than watching 2 hours of graphic footage of a man being savagely beaten to the brink of death? A: Watching 2 hours of graphic footage of a man being savagely beaten to the brink of death IN ARAMAIC!!!


9 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

9 responses to “Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews: Volume Six

  1. Love that Spinal Tap review, one of the strangest ones I’ve read…

  2. I think someone needs to call a doctor for the person who wrote that Dark Knight review. I think he may be having a stroke. Also, megalolz (ahem) at the Marley and Me review.

  3. I like the tone of the review of Hard Core Zombies… It it making fun of reviewers and the film looks like a film you watch because it’s so bad it’s good.
    BTW, Crash (2005) was, indeed, not a favorite of mine. But I didn’t cared for Bullock at all.

  4. Completely agree with The Passion of the Christ comment.

    What an awful film. There wasn’t even a twist at the end!

  5. Alex Withrow

    The This is Spinal Tap review is actually kind of hilarious, but the Marley & Me bit has to take the cake here. Truth truth.

  6. Oh my GOD that was hilarious, and I too have a “vigina”
    .

  7. Arif

    Bob Kane never gave these matters any thought!

  8. Dan

    That Dark Knight review is just ridiculous. How dare they make the reviewer actually write 80 characters? The rest of it is very random.

    That Larry the Cable Guy review made me laugh out loud. Humanity is doomed.

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