Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews: Volume 3

Since the “Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews” concept seems to be a popular one, I’ve decided to turn it into a semi-regular feature. As I said in the intro to the initial article, it’s fun for you and it’s easy for me because there’s no shortage of internet people willing to say wacky things. Here’s volume three of people writing really bad, or funny, Netflix viewer reviews. These are presented completely unedited.

I should probably also add that I don’t always disagree with the negativity surrounding some of these movies, but there’s always at least one thing in these reviews that I find amusing. Since it’s October, this edition is going to lean a little to the horror side.

Psycho (1960)
This will sound like blasphemy to many film buffs out there, but I found this film to be somewhat slow, simple minded, and boring. It may have been the cats meow in 1960, and may have furthered mankind along and all that, but it hasnt held up well for 48 years. My apologies to all the Hitchcock fanboys out there.

Editor’s Note: So… apparently Psycho is only for Hitchcock fanboys.

A more accurate lagoon creature

Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)
well, definitely a B classic – but i was not impressed. and yes, it’s a matter of personal taste. but anyone who has read my reviews (or knows me), understands that i’ll go for the stinkiest cheese out there. but WOW! the creature is part amphibian, right? so why doesn’t he do the frog kick or something when he swims? or eat some flies? S!*#T, man, gimme a little somethin! this dude is swimmin around in his costume like some old dude in the YWCA pool just out for a leisurely backstroke. and YES, i said BACKSTROKE! do frogs do that? he doesn’t do anything slightly amphibious in the entire movie except get in the water. S#!&T, maybe i’m a frog. they should’ve just stuck with the horrifying shots of his webbed hand protruding from the water (insert terrifying music here), and never showed the monster. but then there’s the best part. the way he killed people – he just…. like, PUSHED them. it was actually kinda funny, now that i think about it. but not in a good way – BAD funny. that said, if you’re into classic B horror, you’d be better served by checking out something like the blob. there’s a classic…..

Unforgiven (1992)
Typical boring western. i don’t get what the big fuss was about this movie!!!!!!!!!!

Tootsie (1982)
I guess he thought it was a challenge. It was, a challenged to watch. Sort of a “An’t i cute” movie. Go to the next fast.

What the hex are you talking about?

The Mummy (1932)
For clarification, this is NOT the Brenden Frasier Mummy. This is the Boris Karloff Mummy. I love the Universal classics, but I am sorry. This does not even compete with Dracula, Frankenstein, or even the Wolf Man. This was a snoozer pure and simple. No real monster, just a guy that looked old. No monster contact with other people, just Boris looking into a pond twice, and putting a hex on a couple people. BORING.

Dr. Strangelove (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb) (1964)
I’ve read all the reviews calling DR. SL the “funniest satire ever”, etc. etc. and I have to say I did not laugh once during this film. Granted I was born 5 years after the film was made, but I don’t think the movie translates well in 2002. Strangelove was about as funny as What’s My Line improv comedy, and we all know how funny that is (NOT!). I love Kubrick, but cringe hearing people say this and 2001 are his best works. His best works are: The Shining Clockwork Orange Eyes Wide Shut (yes, Eyes Wide Shut) Full Metal Jacket (not necessarily in that order)

Nosferatu (1922)
I hated this movie!!! I mean I know this would be freaky bak then, but come on!!! They could have at least made a theme song when ever he comes out just like the did for Michael Myers in Halloween.If you want something scary I reccomend Halloween or When a Stranger Calls.They are much more scarier then Nosferatu.

Dead Man Walking (1995)
Sucks…

It’s no Not Another Teenage Movie

Shaun of the Dead (2004)
This movie was terrible…I am a lesser person for seeing it. I thought it was going to be funny, like Scary Movie, or Not Another Teenage Movie..Well it wasn’t…it was a comedy, but not a good one and it was gory gory gory. My boyfriend even LIKES gore and he said it was too gory. There are funny moments, but they are’t work the other 92 minutes of this movie. Pass it…rent Signs instead

Young Frankenstein (1974)
Half of this film was hillarious and smartly written. The other half drags on and on with very few laughs, no wit, clunky perverted jokes, and no entertainment value. After seeing Robin Hood Men In Tights i had high expectations! But a weak, overly long, and overly goofy script undo this film!

Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)
This was good about 30 yrs ago. (So were the Bee Gees). I want my two hours back. Mabey Steven Speilburg will do a remake of this crusty old classic with some real actors like Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise.

Rashomon (1950)
Just because it’s foreign doesn’t mean it’s any good, people. Excruciatingly slow pacing, laughable action sequences (what’s with all the random falling down?), and a ridiculous conclusion made this 88 minutes feel like an eternity. You’ve been warned.

The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
This review is for Bride of Frankenstein only: Terrible. The acting is atrocious, the attempt at comedy doesn’t fit, and I absolutely hate the fact that the monster talks in this one. I know this is billed as being better than the original, but I disagree. This is just plain bad.

Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
I had heard that this was one of the creepiest movies ever….boy was I dissappointed when I watched it. I’m the type of person who really gets into scary films, but this one was IMPOSSIBLE. It seemed to drag on forever. There were so many questions left unanswered – and not like in a good suspensful way. I was so mad at myself for wasting the whole time watching it hoping it would get good. My husband said the only good thing about it was that he saw boobs.


21 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

21 responses to “Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews: Volume 3

  1. These are fun, nice to see you will be doing this regularly

  2. My God, people are idiots. Holy fuck.

    The best part of all these was the beautiful preface of the Bride of Frankenstein review: “This review is for Bride of Frankenstein only.” Made me laugh out loud, too loud.

    • Ha… in fairness, they were reviewing a disc that had both Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein. Without context, it does look hilariously stupid.

  3. Wow, it’s unfortunate Young Frankenstein couldn’t live up to the genius that was Robin Hood Men in Tights.

    • Ha… that’s precisely why I included that review. I can get it if someone doesn’t like Mel Brooks. But to say that you like Mel Brooks because of Robin Hood: Men in Tights? WHAAAA?

  4. Wow! Someone who likes gore and say that Shaun of the Dead is too gory is behind me! Keep em coming John! I just hope that my reviews won’t get this treatment…

  5. I suppose if one were to look on the bright side, at least these people are actually watching all these classic films and not dismissing them sight unseen.

  6. As much as I love this series (and I do love it) it also makes me hate humanity.

  7. Dan

    I did enjoy how the one reviewer compared Star Wars to the Bee Gees. Very clever. Also, the amazing director “Steven Speilburg” should definitely remake it. I also enjoy really creative reviews that just say “sucks”. Brilliant!

  8. Alex Withrow

    Ahh I really needed a good laugh today, so thanks for another Netflix post. This time, the Dead Man Walking “review” had me rolling.

    • I don’t even know how that one got through. Usually, you have to use a minimum of characters, proving that you’ve actually written a few sentences. That one got away with just one word and a large ellipsis.

  9. “For clarification, this is NOT the Brenden Frasier Mummy.” Not only did this make me lol, but it also has inspired me to begin every movie review this way whenever possible. For example, “For clarification, this is NOT the Carole Burnett Show Gone with the Wind.”

  10. The guy who met Kevin Meany

    I’ll be honest, some of these reviewers were not completely wrong. I think Creature from the Black Lagoon guy was on to something especially when he said the Creature swam around like an old guy at the YMCA. Old people, in fact, have a national conspiracy that they have representatives in every gym lockerroom and these old guys walk around naked. It’s a bit disturbing. Also, I think I ha

  11. The guy who met Kevin Meany

    I also didn’t think Tootsie was that F’n great. Finally, I actually 100%agree completely with Dr. Strangelove guy. I didn’t hate it, but I think it is overrated.

    • Yeah, but… there are better ways of expressing disappointment with Tootsie than “Go to the next fast” and “An’t i cute”.

      I could take or leave the Strangelove opinion. Mostly I included it because a person who uses “NOT!” for humor was making judgements about what’s funny and what’s not funny.

  12. Oh,I hope these people get better.Good stuff for fun,John.I believe it’s not too tough to find reviews like those ones above on Netflix.

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