Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews

I have been extraordinarily busy at work, which means that my brain is fried by the time I get home most nights. And that also means that today, you’ll get an article that’s easy for me and fun for you. How about some examples of people writing really bad Netflix viewer reviews? These are presented completely unedited.

Who is Rosebud?!? Is it this silhouetted person?

Citizen Kane (1941)
I couldn’t get through the entire film; kept falling asleep and finally I just gave up and went to bed. I STILL don’t know who Rosebud was! And I don’t care. I gave it 2 stars intead of 1 because the use of light and shadow was excellent.

Schindler’s List (1993)
This movie was pathetic .Why did it win the Oscar Too much unnecessary nudity.

The Goonies (1985)
This is a horrible movie. The script sounds like an elderly turkey wrote it while being run over by an ice cream truck in August. And then somebody crossed out every other word. And then They gave it to me to rewrite, which was the icing on the cake. Instead of this movie, I reccomend “Napolean Dynamite”. If you liked this movie, I reccomend eating your own hand, because it will be just as, if not more, enjoyable. Also, I’m 11 years old, to prove that it’s not “just for kids to like.

Sunset Boulevard (1950)
WORST CLASSIC OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah? Well that’s just, like, your opinion, man.

The Big Lebowski (1998)
This is one of the dumbest movies I have ever rented. This should be rated “JS” for Just Stupid

Chinatown (1974)
It was pathetic – a waste of my time to watch! What in the heck did Chinatown have to do w/it. None of it made one bit of sense.

The Muppets (2011)
How are Disney Fans giving this HIGH RATINGS!?!? _ This is the worst garbage I’ve seen in a long time — Disney or Not… but the fact that it IS Disney, makes it all the more terrible. _ For starters (and I’m not giving anything away, because they literally tell you the “plot points” as you go, and say, “gee that’s an interesting plot point”… literally)… but, for starters, the Muppet Studio is being bought by an “Oil Baron” and instead of turning it into a museum as he promised… he’s going to tear it all down & drill for oil. __ SERIOUSLY!? __ I can’t even escape the Radical-Leftist-Propaganda in a DISNEY movie these days!!!… The big, bad, Oil man (or company)… Drilling for oil is a negative… etc… and worse, it’s all aimed at young children… so now even Disney is trying to Indoctrinate our freaking kids into thinking Oil is Evil. __ Plus, this is all happening in LAS ANGELES… like L.A. would allow drilling to begin with!!… so the entire thing is just horrible propaganda which doesn’t even serve the story well. They SHOULD have made the “Evil Oil Man” a Real Estate Developer who wanted to build Condos or something – at least THAT would serve the L.A. setting & wouldn’t change the rest of the plot-points; but no, they’d rather indoctrinate, than make sense. __ Add to that the whole thing is just insanely stupid, on every level, including the musicals/music… and so 15 minutes in, you want to commit suicide, rather than watch another minute!!

8 1/2 (1963)
If your idea of a great time is spending two hours listening to women scream in Italian, then this film is for you. Apparently the rest of the world views this film as a great masterpiece. I found it tedious and pretentious.

Bambi (1942)
Younger children will be scared by deer killings, forrest fires, and blood hound attacks. Older kids will become nauseated at the saccharine characters. The way the characters look is a little creepy. It also demonizes deer hunters, campers, and humanity at large.

You insulted him a little bit. You got a little bit out of order.

Goodfellas (1990)
There is nothing in this movie, whether it is the acting, the directing, the storyline, the realism, that is worth watching this piece of slime. It is filthy, it is violent, it is a disgrace. I am appalled that so many find it one of the best movies they have ever watched. Just what is your moral criteria, if nothing else?

Casablanca (1942)
I don’t know why people like this movie so much. All it is is a bunch of cheezy dialog. Boring. Greatest movie of all time? Yeah right. Great cure for insomnia.

The Wicker Man (1973)
I rented this movie because I’m a fan of the heavy metal group Iron Maiden, who wrote a song based on the movie. The movie should be as great as the song! I am also a practicing witch, and have never seen such a ridiculous portrayal of Paganism/witchcraft. That’s not to say there were glaring inaccuracies, there really weren’t, but the whole tone of the movie was just so tacky. I figured out what the ending would be, and didn’t think this movie was suspensful or a mind f— like other viewers have said.

The Graduate (1967)
Terrible movie. They are trying too hard to let this” Break away from the traditions” theme comes through. The 3 people in the movie, Mrs. Robinson, Ben and Elaine are just 3 lost souls who doesn’t really know what they want and just want to run away from the reality. Get some therapy sessions…

Old Yeller (1957)
I am a dog lover and looked forward to seeing this classic that I somehow missed. This story is not really compassionate toward animals. Prior to the boy accepting the dog he threatens to beat it or shoot it. Kids see enough of gun violence today without going to Disney to see a pre teen pick up a rifle to solve every problem. I expected much more from a movie touted as a Disney Classic. It does have a powerful ending which provides some redemption. If I need a dog movie fix I will stick with “Air Bud” , “Homeward Bound” ,“Good Boy” or numerous others.


32 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies

32 responses to “Fun with Netflix Viewer Reviews

  1. This just proves how stupid people are…. there should be a tes you have to take to rent these films, so you can appreciate them for what they are!!!

    Nice one John

  2. The criticisms above are, in turn, funny, scary and then wondering whether these people have been locked up yet? Unnecessary nudity in Schindlers List? It was a portrayal of Nazi Germany during the holocaust and accurately portrayed the period, including the debasement of an entire religion. Thanks for giving me such fun this has been a real fun blog, John

    • You’re welcome, Dave- glad you enjoyed it.

      The Schindler’s review really was a special oddball in the bunch. It’s one thing for your morality to come into play in a movie review. It’s something completely different to shoehorn your opinion about it into the worst possible place- a review for a Holocaust movie that aims for realism.

  3. Great post. My favourite is the review for The Wicker Man. Those practicing witches are so hard to please.

  4. Oh my God, I loved this. I would do a similar thing with youtube comments but those are barely intelligible. The netflix comments look scholarly in comparison.

    • I’m too afraid to dig in to Youtube comments. But you should run with that. Holy hell, you could have a hell of an article.

      Youtube comments make me feel like we’re on the brink of some Mad Max-style civilization.

  5. Good post John! I am not a practicing witch but I think that some people are a little paranoiac about the “left propaganda”…
    I’m always afraid to sound like this when I write reviews. But I guess I don’t since I never felt asleep during the many times I’ve watched the great quest to find Rosebud.

  6. Dan

    Oh man. I miss looking at these terrible Netflix “reviews”. The Wicker Man comments are pretty awesome. Thanks for brightening up a dreary Monday.

    • The Wicker Man is the one I can defend out of all them because I admire the guy’s ridiculous honesty. “Hey, if you love Iron Maiden, then you won’t like this movie”. That honesty is what cracked me up and made me include it.

  7. This is a great post. Netflix reviews are always a good place to get a laugh. I used to run a feature on my blog similar to this. I never had a shortage of material.

  8. Honestly, these people sound very sheltered. They expect movies with perfect and easily digestible characters that don’t challenge their own beliefs or stretch their comfort zones. You can never really trust Netflix reviews – they’re more entertainment than reasonable suggestions.

    • You could do a daily blog exclusively listing Netflix reviewer’s objections to nudity, moral ambiguity, swearing, and all sorts of other stuff that makes life fun.

  9. The Guy who met Kevin Meany

    I haven’t seen 8 1/2 but this guy sounds like he knows what he is talking about. Look, there are plenty of “classics” I’ve had a bad reaction to. I would say you picked mostly the reviews of idiots, but I think 8 1/2 guy sounds like something I would have thought. I thought Shakespeare in Love was a colossal piece of shit and it won Best Picture. While I did appreciate the artistic merits of the Artist, I wouldn’t watch it again if it came with a free bucket of fried chicken. My final confession–I never understood why people thought Pee Wee Herman was funny. I don’t get it.

    • I got a laugh out of the 8 1/2 review. There were a few scenes where I understood exactly what he meant. I still dig the hell out of the movie but the satire was funny.

  10. aleksa

    The Muppet reviewer needs to lay off the Fox News. Seriously.

    • That review just kept going and going and going… As dumb as I thought the political commentary was, I was just as annoyed by their displeasure with the other parts of the movie. That reviewer might be the reviewer I’d least want to meet in everyday life.

  11. Ahahaha, you should make this a series, John! That one for Sunset Boulevard is killer. How many exclamation point does one need to get his message across, ahah.

  12. Good jokes.Classic movies just ain’t for these guys it seems.

  13. Alex Withrow

    My god, these are priceless. The Schindler’s List “review” has to be the best.

  14. I always wonder if these people are idiots or trolls…

    I almost started a site just for crappy Amazon reviews, I guess Netflix is a goldmine too!

    • That’s funny. I just saw a great Amazon review today, although it wasn’t “stupid”, per se. It was for a Batman porn spoof and the reviewer was taking it very seriously. I laughed.

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