My latest batch of free Blu-rays as part of the Warner Brothers Blu-ray Elite program included a real treat- the combo pack of BBC’s Life and Planet Earth. That’s nearly 18 hours of mind-blowing nature documentaries in glorious high-definition. I’ve gotten a lot of really great stuff as part of this program, but this selection takes the cake. I’m halfway through with Planet Earth (I’ve seen 6 of the 11 episodes), and most of what I’ve seen has left my jaw on the floor. I bet I’ve said “wow” 50 times in the 300 minutes that I’ve watched. It’s stunning and I highly recommend you get your hands on the Blu edition. Having said that, I’ve found a lot of inane observations popping into my brain as I’ve watched. I’ve written them down and now I’d like to share them with you.
Sharks are assholes.
There’s probably a lot of elephant poop in African rivers.
David Attenborough says “puma” the way I say “pubes”.
If I climb up a really dangerous, rocky mountain for a meal, it sure as hell had better be more than just moths.
“Don’t mind me. I’m just returning back after a long day of hunting to my home… ON THE SIDE OF A FREAKIN’ MOUNTAIN” -snow leopards
A LOT of animals were harmed in the making of this motion picture.
If I owned a pet panda, I would name it “The Hamburglar”.
Pandas always look like they’ve been up all night doing drugs for weeks on end.
Golden eagles are apparently the great white shark of the sky.
The “Fresh Water” episode is making me thirsty.
These giant Japanese salamanders are probably going to outlive me.
Otters “otter” watch out for crocodiles. (oh crap, I’m sorry I wrote that down)
The suspense in that crocodile attack was Hitchcockesque.
Electric fish are a thing that exists. How on earth did they evolve?
Lake fly midge larvae look like something you’d buy in a Japanese vending machine.
Oooh, fresh water dolphin porn.
“These leaves can grow up to 2 meters across”. Dammit, David Attenborough! I’m American! I don’t speak metric.
This is the first time I’ve ever seen piranhas on a screen and there weren’t beautiful naked actress boobs surrounding them, thanks to the Piranha films.
Amphibious monkeys? How was this not a plot point for any of the Planet of the Apes movies?
I hope there’s footage of the creature from the Black Lagoon.
In his most stately voice, David Attenborough just said that bat poop is very important.
“…giant cave centipedes”. FUCK THAT.
Eating dinner while glowing cave worms vomit out a silk line wasn’t my brightest idea.
Eagles, hawks, and falcons eat bats. What I’m learning: everything eats everything else. The Ciiiiiiiircle of Liiiiiife…
“60 meters from the cave floor”… dammit, David Attenborough, how many feet is that?
So… there are people out there who eat bird’s nest soup and those nests are made out of bird spit.
Caves are fascinating and gross.
I hate snakes and wish they would all die.
Someone needs to make a horror movie about Texas cave salamanders.
The Sahara is the biggest source of dust and sand in the world. St. Louis, Missouri is the biggest source of provel cheese in the world. You win this round, Sahara.
I hope this desert episode talks about mummies and possibly Abbott and Costello.
The desert is a really depressing place.
This clip of ibexes butting heads would be better if it was paired with one of the montage songs from the Rocky movies.
Every time I see elephants, I hear calliope music in my head.
Locusts: the flying piranha of the insect kingdom.
Let no person say that I have never seen arctic birds humping.
Oh hey, look! Humping penguins!
I bet arctic ducks are delicious.
It’s crazy to see ducks underwater, headed for the surface. They look like they’re being raptured.
Walruses look like really fat vampires.