Completely Inane Observations about BBC’s Planet Earth

My latest batch of free Blu-rays as part of the Warner Brothers Blu-ray Elite program included a real treat- the combo pack of BBC’s Life and Planet Earth. That’s nearly 18 hours of mind-blowing nature documentaries in glorious high-definition. I’ve gotten a lot of really great stuff as part of this program, but this selection takes the cake. I’m halfway through with Planet Earth (I’ve seen 6 of the 11 episodes), and most of what I’ve seen has left my jaw on the floor. I bet I’ve said “wow” 50 times in the 300 minutes that I’ve watched. It’s stunning and I highly recommend you get your hands on the Blu edition. Having said that, I’ve found a lot of inane observations popping into my brain as I’ve watched. I’ve written them down and now I’d like to share them with you.

Sharks: the asshole of the sea. (that seal was trying to mate when the shark ate it)

Sharks are assholes.

There’s probably a lot of elephant poop in African rivers.

David Attenborough says “puma” the way I say “pubes”.

If I climb up a really dangerous, rocky mountain for a meal, it sure as hell had better be more than just moths.

“Don’t mind me. I’m just returning back after a long day of hunting to my home… ON THE SIDE OF A FREAKIN’ MOUNTAIN” -snow leopards

A LOT of animals were harmed in the making of this motion picture.

If I owned a pet panda, I would name it “The Hamburglar”.

Pandas look like they have a serious drug problem. Image credit: BBC

Pandas always look like they’ve been up all night doing drugs for weeks on end.

Golden eagles are apparently the great white shark of the sky.

The “Fresh Water” episode is making me thirsty.

These giant Japanese salamanders are probably going to outlive me.

Otters “otter” watch out for crocodiles. (oh crap, I’m sorry I wrote that down)

The suspense in that crocodile attack was Hitchcockesque.

Electric fish are a thing that exists. How on earth did they evolve?

Lake fly midge larvae

Lake fly midge larvae look like something you’d buy in a Japanese vending machine.

Oooh, fresh water dolphin porn.

“These leaves can grow up to 2 meters across”. Dammit, David Attenborough! I’m American! I don’t speak metric.

This is the first time I’ve ever seen piranhas on a screen and there weren’t beautiful naked actress boobs surrounding them, thanks to the Piranha films.

Amphibious monkeys? How was this not a plot point for any of the Planet of the Apes movies?

I hope there’s footage of the creature from the Black Lagoon.

In his most stately voice, David Attenborough just said that bat poop is very important.

“…giant cave centipedes”. FUCK THAT.

Eating dinner while glowing cave worms vomit out a silk line wasn’t my brightest idea.

Eagles, hawks, and falcons eat bats. What I’m learning: everything eats everything else. The Ciiiiiiiircle of Liiiiiife…

“60 meters from the cave floor”… dammit, David Attenborough, how many feet is that?

So… there are people out there who eat bird’s nest soup and those nests are made out of bird spit.

Caves are fascinating and gross.

I hate snakes and wish they would all die.

Someone needs to make a horror movie about Texas cave salamanders.

The Sahara is the biggest source of dust and sand in the world. St. Louis, Missouri is the biggest source of provel cheese in the world. You win this round, Sahara.

I hope this desert episode talks about mummies and possibly Abbott and Costello.

The desert is a really depressing place.

This clip of ibexes butting heads would be better if it was paired with one of the montage songs from the Rocky movies.

Every time I see elephants, I hear calliope music in my head.

Locusts: the flying piranha of the insect kingdom.

Let no person say that I have never seen arctic birds humping.

Oh hey, look! Humping penguins!

I bet arctic ducks are delicious.

It’s crazy to see ducks underwater, headed for the surface. They look like they’re being raptured.

Walruses look like really fat vampires.


20 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies, TV Shows

20 responses to “Completely Inane Observations about BBC’s Planet Earth

  1. You know you need help right?

    Hilarious

  2. Lovely stuff!

    I do love me a good BBC nature doc. No-one does it quite like them.

    • I’ve got Life up next, and I may even check out The Blue Planet soon after.

      Or better yet, I’ll look for all of the stuff David Attenborough has done and watch it. I get the feeling if his name is attached, you can’t go wrong.

  3. That picture of the Texas Cave Salamander actually looks like a still from a 70s horror movie. Also, you gotta stop giving me reasons to get a Blu-ray player. I shouldn’t be spending so much money.

    • I’ve sort of developed a pat answer for the “Should I buy a Blu-ray player?” question. If you’re a movie nerd, the answer is yes. A big, big, big yes. You get so much more out of the experience. And the Planet Earth blu was right up there illustrating it as much as any (along with Gone with the Wind and Wizard of Oz).

      Now… if you’re a casual viewer? Meh. I doubt the average movie viewer would care as much. If I watched 1/3 of what I watch, I would’ve saved the money.

  4. OdanUrr

    Dude, the glowing worm silk line thing happened to me too, and I can assure all your followers that it is NOT to recommend:P I don’t know if you’ve seen the rain forest episode yet, but there are some weird ass animals in that one, so you’re in for a treat! I’m very glad you enjoyed Planet Earth, I’ve seen it about 15 times all the way through and it is really amazing, if you like it I think you should check out BBC’s “Life”, it is equally astounding.

  5. Phil

    Very funny. I bought the Planet Earth set when I bought my television this year. Good luck with the St. Louis heat today! I’ll be staying in my 75 degree Northen CA weather.

  6. Haha, terrific read. This was one of my first Blu-Rays and it’s still the one I put in to show people. The caves ep. is one of my favorites. Mostly for the bat poop, obviously.

    • The cave episode was great, if gross. Rolling carpets of cockroaches, glow worms, bat dookie, the blind salamanders, the undiscovered caves… It was really fascinating. Choosing a favorite would be almost impossible. The jungle episode was amazing, as was the ocean deep episode. I enjoyed all of them on at least some level, and they all made me say “wow” at one point or another.

  7. Sharks are misunderstood. Hilarious post, you should record a Droid commentary track, like an unofficial special feature to enhance the box set. :)

  8. Little tip a meter equals approx three feet. I’m sooooo jealous of the Blu-ray Elite Program! This Boxset looks amazing!!!

  9. Planet Earth is friggin’ amazing. Have you seen Life yet? Curious to check that out.

    • I’ve watched a few episodes of Life, and I’ve been a little disappointed. It’s basically things humping, and then Oprah Winfrey attributing cutesy human characteristics to them.

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