Filmmakers have been holding out on us for years. They’ve been making movies for over a century now and they’ve ignored one central tenet. And that tenet is that things are more fun, more exciting, and sometimes more humorous when characters turn into giant angry green monsters. For instance, I think that all of these movie characters would have had enhanced roles if they could have become a hulk.
Rooster Cogburn, True Grit (1969)
This is a simple script change. Simply replace “debaucherous alcoholism” with “gamma radiation”. Problem solved.
Ada McGrath, The Piano (1993)
First of all, Harvey Keitel’s character sort of deserved to be smashed for the way he treated her. Secondly, hearing her play the piano with Hulk hands would be hilarious.
Sarah Connor, The Terminator series
The Terminator series was fun, to be sure, but can you imagine how much more fun it would have been if it had featured a she-hulk fighting deadly futuristic robots, some made of liquid metal?
Chance, Being There (1979)
The dialogue alone between Chance and the President would be worth the price of admission.
Raymond Babbit, Rain Man (1988)
When Raymond says there are only 15 minutes to Judge Wapner, you’d better get your ass parked in front of a TV as soon as possible. Because he will definitely smash you 246 times.
Erin Brockovich, Erin Brockovich (2000)
Polluting a city’s water supply would have been so much more dangerous if a she-hulk had been victimized by it.
Catherine Tramell, Basic Instinct (1992)
This could have started a new trend- the Hulk Fatale.
Howard T. Duck, Howard the Duck (1986)
Let’s be honest. Turning him into a duck didn’t work. Why not go the extra mile and make him a hulk duck? It couldn’t make the movie any worse.
Gordon Gekko, Wall Street (1987)
GREEEEED GOOOOD! GEKKO SMASH AIRPLANE UNION!
Margo Tenenbaum, The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
If anyone has a right to get angry in ways that nobody likes, it’s Margo Tenenbaum. Everyone around her is a mess and her husband AND her brother- who loves her- are spying on her, and she can’t even smoke without intrusions. And her dad is an asshole.
Lol. Great post man. I particularly like that hulk/Beaver shot of Basic Instinct.
My only qualm- I wish I could’ve found a very happy (or even winking) Hulk instead of an angry one, for the obvious implications.
Lol. Yeah a winking one or one with their Tongue out! The one you have still works a treat though.
Oh boy, well done. This was the chuckle I needed at the end of a strange day. Seriously, Royal Tennenbaum…as much as I get where he’s coming from…kind of a dick…
Oh yeah… Royal is a lovable character, and I love that movie partially because of Royal… but he’s a total asshole, especially to Margo.
The Basic Instinct photo made me laugh really hard
Internal dialogue: “Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct as a Hulk would be hilarious, but I can’t show a vagina on my site. That’s not what I’m trying to achieve. How can I make this work?”
Boom. Hulk Vagina.
I have to agree second Dave’s comment on the Instinct photo, it was simply brilliant.
I have to agree with Dave’s comment regarding the Instinct photo, it is simply brilliant. Laughed out loud when I saw it.
Heh… I don’t know why, but Basic Instinct strikes me as a movie that’s ripe for parody.
Is it a tattoo? Some jewels? No it’s the new trend in beaver fashion the Hulk face!!! Hilarious as always!!!
I’m going to pretend from now on that Sharon Stone has a giant Hulk tattoo on her lady parts.
Several of these would make great “irresistible green women” on Star Trek. I apologize for not being up on my “Star Trek alien race” names.
Ha… I know just barely enough about Star Trek to appreciate that reference.
Ahahaha, there’s a reason I voted you for the Funniest Blogger on LAMMY 2012, John! I love that Gordon Gekko one, he’s a hulk of a greedy guy for sure. And Gwyneth! You could’ve picked her photo from Contagion, too, that’d be very appropriate, ahah.
The Gekko one was a personal fave… well, just because. Angry + greedy is a great combo.
Thank you so much for the vote, Ruth. If I can make people laugh, it makes my day that much brighter.
Incredible work as usual. I can’t get over how much Peter Sellers in that Being There picture looks like the Prime Minister of New Zealand John Key. I’ve left a link to a picture below. What do you think?
http://magnoliaforever.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/keychance.png
That’s pretty freakin’ uncanny.
Have you seen Being There, Tyler? I’m thinking you might like it, especially if you’re familiar with Voltaire at all.
I have seen and I love Being There. Wonderful film.
Thought provoking.
I think Linda Hamilton basically looks half a step away from She Hulk there for real. LOL
She worked surprisingly well thanks to her muscles. And allowed me less guilt for merely making people green instead of adding muscles and stuff.
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