Horrible Movies and TV Shows I’d Be Willing to Watch In Exchange for World Series Tickets

It was like coming this close to your dreams… and then watching them brush past you, like a stranger in a crowd.
-Archibald “Moonlight” Graham, Field of Dreams

This week, I came extraordinarily close to purchasing tickets to the World Series in the event that my hometown St. Louis Cardinals defeat the Milwaukee Brewers in their best of seven series. But I just missed out. Had I tried fifteen minutes sooner, I would’ve had them. They were completely sold out by the time I had my chance. At this point, I think it’s important to stress just how much I’d like to go to a World Series game featuring the St. Louis Cardinals.

There is almost nothing that I would like more than to go to a World Series game featuring my Cardinals. I was willing to pay $200-$250 per ticket just for the right, and not even for good seats. You see, these opportunities don’t come along very often. This would be the third time that the Cardinals have made the World Series in the 10 years that I’ve lived in St. Louis (again, predicated on them beating Milwaukee, who is favored in the series), and three times is very lucky. Fans of other teams go entire decades without the chance. It’s a huge deal to get a chance to see your favorite team playing in a World Series. As such, I’d be willing to do almost anything for tickets. Which horrible movie and TV scenarios would I be willing to watch if someone gave me World Series tickets?

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
I’ll watch the whole damned thing, from cloying idiotic concept to the undoubtedly equally cloying finale.

Every trailer for Katherine Heigl movies, on repeat, for 3 hours
This means The Ugly Truth; Killers; some shit called 27 Dresses; Life As We Know It; even Romy and Michele: In the Beginning, a made for TV prequel to that other shitty movie with the similar name. For crying out loud, look at this:

Michael Bay’s commentary on Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Subjecting myself to Michael Bay detailing his masturbatory explosion sequence and why it makes his movie stand above the rest has to be worth a couple hundred dollars worth of goods.

The first season of The Simple Life
Eight years ago, the Fox network created a pimple on the ass of society. It was called “The Simple Life” and it revolved around Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie doing manual labor jobs. I am willing to put myself through the hell that must be watching the first season of that show.

I will re-watch Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom while eating a big bowl of chocolate pudding
Just in case you need a refresher, here’s what I thought of this movie the first time I saw it a few months ago. As you can probably guess by the chocolate pudding corollary, it features a lot of people consuming things that would make chocolate pudding very unappealing. Specifically, feces. People eat feces in Salò.

A movie starring Jimmy Fallon
You would think that multiple movies should be required here. But one movie starring Jimmy Fallon is enough torture to help me earn a World Series ticket. I don’t even care which one it is. That horrible thing starring Queen Latifah seems like a good choice. The fact that I consider him that torturous should tell you everything you need to know about what I think of Jimmy Fallon.

Five episodes of Khloe and Lamar (but not one episode more)
I don’t even really know what this is but it has to be awful.

The entire Saw series back to back
Strangely, I’ve already seen the first. I haven’t felt the need to see the rest. I would be willing to ingest every lame clichéd act of torture if someone would put me inside Busch Stadium for the act.


 

 


13 Comments

Filed under Humor, Movies, TV Shows

13 responses to “Horrible Movies and TV Shows I’d Be Willing to Watch In Exchange for World Series Tickets

  1. I hope someone takes you up on your offer. Personally I would like you to watch one episode of the simple life, one episode of Khloe & Lamar, just the poop eating scenes of salo, 1.5 hrs of Katherine Heigl trailers, and the Michael Bay commentary while eating pudding…

    • The guy who met Kevin Meany

      Katherine Heigl is the worst! In all her movies, she plays an unbearable bitch. Nothing redeeming at all. Being married, I’m subjected to some shit that you probably don’t realize exists on TV. If you can watch a season of “Say Yes to the Dress” on TLC, that would be worth World Series tickets in Stan Musial’s reserved seat.

      • “Say Yes to the Dress” sounds horrible. Just… awful in every way possible.

        • nimorphi

          Before I got married my wife use to watch Say yes to the dress all the time. Absolutely horrible in every conceivable way. She also made me watch 27 dresses once. Katherine Heigl plays the same cynical bitch in every movie. To be fair I have made her watch about a dozen Bergman films.

  2. MC

    I think it will take more than that. You have to dig deeper.

  3. Knocked Up is the only movie Katharine Heigl has done that interested me

    And i actually liked the first 3 Saw movies….although i do feel the 3rd should have ended it. To me it was a perfect ending to the series.

  4. But would you watch The Hottie and the Nottie and review it on a certain baseball message board?

  5. Alexandra

    I watch a lot of terrible movies, and I’ve got to tell you, The Killers is only mediochre,and 27 Dresses only grating. Katherine Heigl sucks, but not any worse than Sharon Stone or any other bad actress with a little charisma. I don’t want to be Katherine Heigl’s crusader, but somehow, I have sympathy for her. What would be torturous is all the direct-to-video sex “comedies” like American Pie: The Naked Edge of Time or whatever, which, I imagine, would be like hanging out with the perviest, stupidest 14-year-old you could find.

  6. Strangely enough, here in New Zealand at the moment, we are hosting the Rugby World Cup, where twenty countries go to a certain country (in this case, here) to fight for the coveted Webb Ellis trophy. Now, I’m not really the biggest rugby fan, but if New Zealand make it to the final (which at this stage, looks likely) I would be willing to watch any number of awful TV shows or movies to get tickets, including any one (but probably not all) of the ones you’ve listed above.

    I bet that Michael Bay commentary track is hilarious.

  7. How about The Vampire Diaries?
    I read recaps of that show by Price Peterson, who everyone needs to check out, he does photo recaps of it, bad movies that air on TV, and MTV-type-award-ceremony-things, and my God, you’ll never laugh so much. Anyway, the plot of that show for me – from simply reading a recap, with pictures and funny punchlines – is enough to make MY HEAD SPIN UNTIL IT HURLS ITSELF OFF MY HEAD INTO A THORNY BUSH NEARBY AND ROLLS OUT THE OTHER SIDE ONLY TO HAVE SOMEONE SPILL VINEGAR ON IT FOR SOME REASON AND THEN LEAVE IT ON A STEEL SURFACE IN THE SUN FOR A VERY LONG TIME. A VERY LONG TIME INDEED.
    Also, why the commentary on Dark of the Moon? Why not just the other sequel, no commentary? I rather enjoyed the first Transformers. Sure, it was nonsensical and fodder for 11 year old boys with major ISSUES, but JOHN TURTURRO. And Shia LaBouef wasn’t yet an ignorant jerk. And there were no racist robots. The third one was considerably worse, but nowhere near as bad as the second. The second movie just KILLED it. And not even in a nice, swift and quick way. It dragged out the murder of each of our senses – yes, even smell, it managed to kill that one, too, if it’s at all possible – slowly and with inaccurate movements and clumst exposition and my God, did it hurt…actually, yeah, commentary on the slightly more enjoyable third movie doesn’t sound too bad. Even if it is Michael Bay trying to justify a travesty…

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